Daughter refuses to shave her head in support of step brother's chemo treatment. AITA?
'AITA for not convincing my daughter to shave her head and causing her to be kicked out of her mom’s house?'
11 years ago, my ex wife Sylvia and I got divorced, our daughter Violet was 4 at the time.
5 years ago, Sylvia started seeing Alan, who has a now 7 year old son named Nolan. Tragically, Nolan recently started chemotherapy for cancer and has lost his hair.
The last time Violet was at Sylvia’s house, Sylvia and Alan surprised Nolan by getting both of their heads shaved, and tried to get Violet to get her head shaved as well. Violet didn’t want to as she has long hair that she’s very fond of.
Apparently, Sylvia and Alan weren’t expecting Violet to say no, and they got very frustrated with her. According to Violet, they tried to lecture her about supporting Nolan, but when she tried to explain that she does support him she just doesn’t want to lose her hair, they wouldn’t let her talk and just sent her to her room.
The next day, when Violet was with me, Sylvia texted me to let me know the situation, though she phrased it something like “Alan and I have decided that our family will be shaving our heads to support Nolan but Violet is being stubborn and disobedient.”
She then proceeded to ask me to convince Violet to shave her head because her refusal was upsetting Nolan, though Sylvia had a history of lying to me about how other people feel. For example, she once told me that our mutual friend was upset about a joke I had made, when that friend was sitting with me and was laughing at that very joke. So, I’m not sure if I believe her or not.
After talking to Violet and getting her side of the story, I decided that I would not try to pressure her into buzzing off the hair that she loves so much. It would be sweet if she did it on her own volition, but Violet shaving off her hair won’t make Nolan any healthier.
To put it bluntly, only one kid needs to lose their hair against their will and it’s not Violet. I did tell her that I would support her if she did choose to shave her head, but I reinforced that it was her hair so it was her choice.
My heart goes out to Nolan, but Violet’s mental health is more important to me than a forced show of “support”.
We had a normal week and Violet went back to Sylvia’s house, where Sylvia and Alan again tried to pressure her to shave her head and she kept refusing until she got into a shouting match with Sylvia and Alan which resulting in Sylvia texting me to come pick Violet up because she was no longer welcome at their house.
I obliged and picked up my crying daughter from the house with only a hastily packed backpack with her.
Violet has been with me for two weeks and she’s told me she wants to go back to Sylvia’s house because she misses Nolan. I’ve passed this information on to Sylvia, but she’s told me that Violet is only welcome back with a shaved head.
Violet is keeping her hair out of spite and principle. At this point, I feel like I’m their messenger pigeon because they won’t text each other, and I might be an AH because if I’d just convinced Violet to shave her head in the first place none of this would have happened.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Sylvia does not sound like a great mother...
File for full custody and go for child support.
NTA. Major gestures like that need to be one’s own choice, to force them is to victimize yet another innocent kid. You said “only one kid needs to lose their hair and it’s not Violet” and you were absolutely right.
Your house is where Violet needs to be, not with her toxic mom and stepdad. They may mean well, but what your ex and her husband are doing will only drive a wedge between Violet and the rest of that household.
Nta but I'd be .making sure a lawyer hears about that. Good way to get complete custody is by kicking out a child for not changing their body for you.
That's pretty abusive by sylvia. I was waiting for you to say that her and Allen held her down and shaved her head against her will. That might be next.
NTA. She can care for Nolan and support him without shaving her head. Violet is at an age where appearance can play a big part in who she is and how she is accepted by her peers (unfortunate as that is).
I don’t blame her for not wanting to shave her head. Sylvia and Alan are the AHs trying to force her to do it. Who kicks a teenager out of their home? They are showing her where she stands in their family.
If Nolan is upset it would be because of what Sylvia and Alan have said to him. Like that Violet doesn’t care about him which is why she’s not shaving her head.
I’m glad she has you and hope Nolan recovers.