'AITA for getting my turkey feathers ruffled?' UPDATED
"AITA for getting my turkey feathers ruffled?"
My daughter-in-law messaged to say that she, son and granddaughter would be too busy to come to my house for Thanksgiving becasue they would be attending two get-togethers on her side of the family.
She then went on, asking me to move my planned T-Day meal to the following Monday or Tuesday. She followed that up with a request for me to invite her friend, friend's boyfriend, and friend's 5-yr old daughter (who's a rather unruly and undisciplined wild child).
I responded that I was disappointed and hurt by her message. Her response was to tell me that they could come to my dinner - after the other two get-togethers - but they'd alreaedy be full, grumpy, and granddaughter would be poorly-behaved.
FWIW: My son and I have a great relationshnip. Due to their work schedules, I babysit nearly every single weekend for them. My granddaughter loves coming to my house and is a really bright, happy, and well-behaved four-year old.
I love preparing the big holiday meals and it has always been our family's tradition. And, as a senior singleton, spending holidays with family and preparing our traditionals eats means a lot to me, especially as I'm not getting any younger. Without them coming, I will be spending Thanksgiving alone.
Moving the holiday meal just doesn't feel right under these circumstances, and fixing the big meal on Thanksgiving Day seems a waste if they're going to show up after attending two other holiday meals. My daughter-in-law thinks I'm being unreasonable.
AITA for getting my feathers ruffled and calling her out on her unwillingness to balance holiday time between her family and my son's, and to accomodate the traditions important to both sides, as selfish and inconsiderate of her?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
bringbackbowie writes:
NTA. You are not being unreasonable. It’s an unfortunate situation, and I empathize with you. Spending Thanksgiving alone instead of with your loved ones can be a lonely and depressing way to spend the holiday…I will be doing it myself this year. Again.
If I may make a suggestion: please don’t sit at home all alone. Find an organization to volunteer with for the day. A church or community center that will be feeding the homeless or simply less fortunate.
It’s been a brutal year and there will be a lot of people that cannot afford a Thanksgiving dinner on their own. There will no doubt be quite a few organizations in your area looking for volunteers.
I have personally found it is better for my mental health to get out of the house and be of service on holidays instead of being lonely at home.
apterryaustreus writes:
NTA. I don’t think that her asking if Thanksgiving dinner could be moved is too big of an ask (you don’t have to if you don’t want to though, that’s totally up to you either way). Personally, I’m not married to the idea that holidays have to be celebrated on the exact day. That’s just me though.
The thing that makes her the AH is her wanting to invite the other people to your house as her response to asking you to change the date. I totally get why you’d call it off after she wanted to bring the gang to your place. That seems quite inconsiderate of her.
Reading the other comments, I feel bad that they didn’t think about the fact that you’d be alone.
Why would you not go along to one of the other thanksgivings? Your DIL is in a tricky spot if she's invited to 3 in one day, works and appears to be responsible for organising all family/childcare stuff.
I don't think you should cook a thanksgiving meal. I do think your son needs to step up. There's still no mention of what exactly he is doing while his wife tries to deal with three separate invitations or why you can't go to her family thanksgivings.
No_Rain2655 OP responded:
First off, she is not in charge of all organizing. Rather, she refuses to compromise or consider anything other than what she wants. After talking with my son, I learned that she refused to entertain sharing the holiday by going to one of her family's gatherings and one on my son's family side (my house).
She becomes highly irrational and emotionally unstable when she doesn't get her way. My son is left to try to keep the peace and sanity in the house for the sake of his daughter.
Regarding her working, she works two part-time positions. As for childcare, she does NOT arrange that. I won't get into the details, but she does not have a good track record when it comes to finding appropriate care and, in fact, has put my granddaughter in harm's way in the past.
She is a guest herself at the two gatherings and is, therefore, not in a position to extend an invitation to me without first asking the host(s). I personally feel it is inapporpirate for her to do so...just as it was inappopriate for her to ask me to invite her friends to my dinner.
I do not know, nor have I ever met, the host(s) of the two gatherings that she insists on going to so they would have no reason to invite me of their own accord.
As much as I love doing so, I will not be cooking a Thanksgiving meal with my family's favorite traditional foods.
INFO from OP:
1. My son and DIL are recently married, although together for about 5 years. This is the first holiday since getting married. All other holidays in the past have been with her family. I did not live near my son until this year so it was understandable previously.
2. I've met her parents and we get along well enough. There is a large age difference between us (I've got ~20 years on them), so we don't have much in common, though. I haven't had a chance to speak with my son to see where he stands on this or if he's even been consulted.
(DIL tends to make unilateral decisions and can be quite irrational/illogical. If he takes the path of least resistance, I understand why (even if I don't agree with him doing that). Afterall, he has to live with her.
3. I haven't had a chance to speak with my son to see where he stands on this or if he's even been consulted. (DIL tends to make unilateral decisions and can be quite irrational/illogical.) If he takes the path of least resistance, I understand why (even if I don't agree with him doing that). Afterall, he has to live with her.
4. We all live within 10 minutes of each other. She spends far more time with her family than seeing me. She sees me for pickup/drop of my granddaughter. Her family will only babysit the granddaughter as an absolute resort and seems to do so begrudgingly at that.
Why would I bother fixing Thanksgiving dinner if they were going to arrive already full? Her comment amount the granddaughter was intended to dissuade, not out of consideration.
OP came back with an update in the comments:
Finally got a chance to talk with my son (he’d been traveling). As expected, she made plans unilaterally. His efforts to talk with her about splitting the time had fallen on deaf ears. My son told her if I wasn’t comfortable attending her family’s gathering, he would spend the day with me. I have since told him he needs to spend it with her for the sake of his daughter.
Re: inviting me to one of her family’s gatherings, she has said that she’s asked them if it’s okay to bring me.
But, in light of how she saw nothing wrong with asking me to include her friend, friend’s BF, and friend’s kid for dinner at my house, I don’t know if her extended family feels put-upon or not - or has even been told I might be coming - so attending their function might be really awkward. (I don’t know the extended family, only her parents.) My heart goes out to my son who has to live with this girl.