'AITA for telling my husband he is not my life? He wants to move and I don't.'
When this wife is upset with her husband who expects her to uproot her life, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for telling my husband he is not my life?"
I (F 28) have always been very family oriented. Everyone in my family and extended family lives nearby, at most an hour away. I am an only child and planned to always live near my parents too.
When I started dating my husband, around 8 years back, I told him all of this. Basically that I want to live near my family my whole life. He agreed to it. He moved away from his family (8hour drive) to live with me near mine.
But 3 years after marriage, he says he wants to move. To a city with better work opportunities. I agree work opportunities are not great here. But cost of living is pretty low too. And since we don't plan to have children, our salaries are more than sufficient for a good life.
I reminded him of his promise. He was mad I am still prioritizing my family over him. I told him he knew this about me, I can't ask 100s of people to move elsewhere and I don't want to see them only at weddings. He told me he is my partner and despite anything else, I should be prioritizing him.
I told him as much as I loved him, he is one among many people I love. He is a part of my life, not my whole life. I can't leave my family and life here.
He got upset at that and left the conversation. He is not talking to me now. When I told my friend, she said I was an AH to tell him like that. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
largeineve5438 writes:
Your both yta and nta.You were clear on thie at the start, so nta, but your also relegating your husbands need for growth and opertunity which is where you move into AH.
People grow, and we chasing a career is part of that. You then basically told him he’s not your partner, just one of 100’s you love.
Really really not great. Your freind was right to call you out on that. I honestly think you should try take your family out of the equasion if your not in a care giving capacity, as your presence is “vital”.
Ask yourself if you coukd give him a few years in a new location to establish a career or try get into work that can be moved to remote later so you get the best of both worlds, having left your comfort zone and being able to prioritise his wants.
Either way, really look at this logically about how you can try to accomidate your husband, because at the minute it sounds very very heavily centered around you and your family.
I really hope it’s just context and topic making it that way, otherwise I hope you let him out if this one sided situation.
mrlazylion writes:
NTA. I don't care what all the others say, you made it clear who you are and what your priorities are. Why should you go and be miserable when you've made your preferences plain and clear from the beginning.
However, as you can see from the replies here, most people prioritise wealth and ambition over personal happiness, since society teaches them it's okay to be unhappy, as long as you work hard your life so that you can retire with lots of money and then you can be happy.
Then, OP provides this lengthy update about her situation.
I am not bashing on YTAs. I am just genuinely curious. My parents worked hard to raise me and will prioritize me till their last breath. My family was my support system through everything I lived through, breakup, failure, mental health issues. If tomorrow I become a divorcee or widow, my family is still going to be there. Why is one person supposed to be more important than everyone else?
I am not saying my husband is not important to me. He is. I love him very much. Just that he is not the ONLY important person.
About sacrifice he made by moving away from his family? He did not have a good relationship with them. He was set to move away from them even before he met me. And I never forced him to stay here. I said I want to stay here. If he rather not date, breakup I would have understood. He decided he wanted to stay with here with me.
I am not saying I see all my relatives everyday. I see them most weekends. But if we move, we will be working 6 days a week. Traveling hours for just 2 hour visits won't be worth it. I will miss out a lot of family things.
I know it's a big ask. But that is why I asked for it forefront. It's not about apron strings. It's about having good adult relationship with my family. It's about being close and spending time together happily. I know you want to bash me about growing up, I am fully independent person.
I just don't want to move 7 hours away to live in a city where there is no support system or family and miss out on family stuff just to get a 20% increase in salary that would come with 30% increase in cost of living.
To people who are concerned about vows, we are not Christian. And in our culture marriage is not about giving up everyone else and focusing on one person. It is about adding onto families and joining families.