'AITA for not allowing my niece to bring any of her toys to my house?'
"AITA for not allowing my niece to bring any of her toys to my house?"
The people involved: My husband Dan and I; we’ve been together 4 years. My (step)daughter Ava (6). She’s with us about 75% of the time. My sister Kat and Kat’s daughter Mae (8).
Kat was in a bad car accident recently & has a few months of recovery ahead of her. She’s mostly bed bound at the moment but she is home and expected to make a full recovery.
Her boyfriend is taking care of her but it’s a newish relationship and everyone felt more comfortable if Mae stayed with my parents until Kat was at least independently mobile & because of their schedule, I will end up taking Mae on Saturdays and occasional Sundays.
I feel Kat is too permissive with Mae & it’s led to her being spoiled. She’s not too bad, she is a sweet kid but she’s also very entitled & a strong believer of “what’s mine is mine & what’s yours is also mine” and tends to get pushy & mean if she doesn’t get her way.
The girls have known each other for over half their lives by now & I’ve seen this play out over and over before. They get along well most of the time and Ava has been very good about sharing her things but gets frustrated when Mae brings her Switch or American girl doll over and then doesn’t let her play so she in turn refuses to share too & then Mae has a fit.
This has become more frequent (since before the accident). Kat’s always said “well she doesn’t have to share her things” and sure but neither does Ava & we’ve all seen what happens when she doesn’t.
And Kat dismisses it every time. Of course Ava doesn’t want to share when that happens, she’s old enough to see that Mae isn’t fair to her but she can’t understand why.
I knew this would be a problem between them if Mae brought over any of her special items but Ava is fine sharing when Mae isn’t dangling something in front of her. So Dan & I prevented it. She just isn’t allowed to bring toys or electronics over at all.
My parents mentioned it & Kat is furious and has been calling to tell me how unfair we are, that we’re punishing her daughter for not letting people walk all over her and that I was undermining her lessons on being “assertive”.
She said she didn’t spend her money on things for other kids to play with & that I wasn’t a real mom so I couldn’t understand. I got upset & told her that if she wasn’t going to teach her kid to treat others the way she insisted on being treated, then this is what it had to be.
Ava’s feelings matter too & this will eventually sour their whole relationship. And we’re trying to mitigate that until she does her f^ing job.
We kept arguing and I told her that if she had a problem with my rules, she could come over and do something about it (which… she can’t) or she could stfu. And then we ended up just yelling & calling each other names until I hung up.
I’m still mad & obviously Dan agrees with me but my mom is guilting me about stressing Kat while she’s recovering & essentially calling her a bad mother & Kat definitely called me worse things than an AH so I’m curious what the objective opinion is. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
celticskye writes:
NTA - First, your ARE a real mom. Just because you didn't give birth to Ava doesn't mean you aren't a mother to her. This comment would have been followed up with my saying "well, since I'm not a real mom I guess I can no longer watch Mae as I obviously don't know what I'm doing and therefore it's too dangerous for her to be in my care." It was a vile thing to say.
Second, you are not required to cater to entitled behavior. It's your home, your rules. Tell Kat that your lessons on "the world doesn't care about what you want" are just as important and that every has to learn they dont always get their way.
There is a difference in teaching your child to be assertive and to not let people walk all over you, and raising a child to be an entitled bully. You've set your boundaries. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
okconversation0 writes:
WTF? So Mae must share all of her possessions, but Ava doesn't have to share anything? And your sister calls that teaching her to be "assertive?" She's not teaching Ava to be assertive, she's teaching her to be greedy and a bully.
I would go as far as to say that Mae doesn't have to share anything with Ava and if Ava has a fit, Ava can learn what "time outs" are. NTA.
calexauthor writes:
NTA - There's a difference between raised to be "assertive" versus being raised to be an entitled bully. That mother has crossed the line in her supposed "teaching"
You know, maybe her kid being by you for a bit is a GOOD thing. You can teach her how to put herself in other peoples shoes. "If you were willing to share and she refused, you wouldn't want to play with her anymore, would you?"
"Things should be fair to everyone, don't you think?" "How would it be if I allowed someone to use your things but would make them share with you. That would be SELFISH, wouldn't it?" "That is not how nice people behave. No one will want to play with someone that doesn't treat them nicely. And they shouldn't have to."