Woman holds dead husband's money hostage; mistress says, 'I need it, I'm pregnant.'
When this grieving woman is conflicted about her late husband's possessions, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for not giving the mother of my dead husband's child his possessions?"
Me (30F) and my husband got married when we were 25 after 6 years. He passed away in an accident in April. A few weeks before the accident, I found out that he had a one night stand with a woman who he works with. When he died, I hadn't decided yet what was going to happen in our relationship.
We entered counselling and were still living together but obviously it was hectic. As I wasn't sure if we were going to divorce, I decided not to tell our families and only confided in a few close friends and my therapist. I didn't want opinions from everyone. I also didn't tell his family when he died, there was no reason to.
A few weeks ago the affair partner reached out to me. She's 5 months pregnant and preparing to raise the baby. She wanted me to tell his family because she wants her child to have a relationship with his family and be connected to his culture.
I said I wouldn't do this and simply passed along their contact information. S%$t hit the fan. I am close with his brothers and I thought that they were going to raise him from the dead and kill him again (apologies for the dark humour). They're coming around to the idea of having a relationship with the baby but I do not want to (nor has the mother offered which is fine.)
The mother has gotten back in touch with me to ask for some of my husbands possessions. She wants his clothes, his books, his record collection, and bizarrely his wedding ring. For the baby to feel connected to it's father. I've made it very clear to her that I will be giving her nothing of the sort.
His parents and brother have some of his stuff and she can access things like that through them. She kept pushing and I lost my temper and called her an outrageous bi%$ch who should find some shame.
I wouldn't be opposed to passing some of the stuff along to the child via my in-laws when they're older and can appreciate it. Not the wedding ring, which was the worst request IMO but other sentimental stuff. I've also retained a lawyer to look into whether I owe the child any money legally from my husband's passing.
If I don't, I may set up a trust fund for them when they're an adult with his money because I really don't need it and that seems fair. I just do not want to give this woman all I have left of my husband. I really do not trust her with any of it.
Obviously she thinks I'm a bitter raging monster bitch and an asshole and my in-laws are divided. My in-laws are largely supportive but some think that I need to give some of his stuff to her and the baby.
Some of his brothers have told me that they're sympathetic but that I'm behaving like an asshole and a baby by not co-operating for the sake of the child. I'm unsure whether the complicated grief is clouding my judgement.
My in-laws are getting a paternity test when the baby is born. This was the first thing they asked. However, the scans and due date line up perfectly when the affair occurred so I think it is more than likely true so we are preparing for this. AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say.
nobarracuda writes:
NTA. If she wants to get the possessions of her partner after they die she should consider getting married instead of being the other woman. There's nothing bitter about what you're doing. She just doesn't know how life or the law works.
Edit: it's not your job to have any sort of relationship with the child and I also don't get why you'd need to set up a trust fund for the baby. Seems like you're willing to do more than you need to. Also what exactly does your husband have that a baby would even want?
becomingkratos writes:
You’re not the asshole at all. Do what you need for your sanity and keep your boundaries as strong as necessary. There is no obligation on your part to this woman aside from complying with any laws and court ruling relating to his estate and support of the child.
If you want to you can do a trust or something for the child, but remember his life insurance is for supporting the family unit he had with you unless the courts say otherwise. Anything you contribute to this woman’s child beyond that is an option open to you, but strictly an option.
Even a not huge amount, invested reasonably, could grow to become a substantial contribution to the kid’s independence when he hits adulthood. You’re not the asshole at all. Do what you need for your sanity and keep your boundaries as strong as necessary.
There is no obligation on your part to this woman aside from complying with any laws and court ruling relating to his estate and support of the child. If you want to you can do a trust or something for the child, but remember his life insurance is for supporting the family unit he had with you unless the courts say otherwise.
Anything you contribute to this woman’s child beyond that is an option open to you, but strictly an option. Even a not huge amount, invested reasonably, could grow to become a substantial contribution to the kid’s independence when he hits adulthood.
agelower writes:
NTA--the wedding ring belongs to you. I'm guessing that your husband would have changed the beneficiary on his insurance if he wanted to. Please don't make any major decisions (financial or otherwise) while you are still grieving.
As others have advised, I think you should consult a lawyer to find out if your husband's estate has any obligations (I am not a lawyer). You should wait on promises until paternity clarified/established. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.