'AITA for not letting my mom FaceTime with my toddler?'
"AITA for not letting my mom FaceTime with my toddler?"
My mom (58F) and I (32F) have always had a tense relationship. For most of my life, she has had a pretty serious drinking & dr*g problem (i.e. disappearing for days to do cra&k). In 2018, I was diagnosed and treated for CPTSD bc of the way her actions impacted me. Now, I'm happily married with a toddler daughter and another on the way.
My mom has chilled out a lot thanks to finding the right medication. Although she still likes her drink. I told her about the way her behavior has deeply hurt me, and she was remorseful and apologetic.
Last year, I asked her to be my nanny. I paid her $2,500/mo to watch my kid 4-5 days/ week while I WFH and sometimes she would stay on the weekends so we could go out.
Her drinking makes me uncomfortable and triggers my anxiety big time. When she would stay over, she would often get a 12-pack delivered and drink the whole thing.
I've told her a few times I don't want to be around her drinking and I don't want her to drink while she is responsible for my kid. She said she understands, but the problem persisted. Since this behavior peaks my anxiety, I would often get snippy and short with her. It all came to a head.
My husband and I were going to see 3 nights of our favorite band in another state where my aunt lives. Originally, we were going to leave mom and kid at home. We brought them both so they could spend time with my aunt.
We set a clear expectation that my mom would only drink the first night before the concerts and that she would wake up every morning by 9 to take over toddler duties.
What happened was that she drank a 12-pack every night, never woke up before 11and never took over toddler duties. In the evenings while we were gone, my aunt watched my kid.
On night 3 of the concerts, I got a fever and couldn't go. My aunt had other plans and left. I came upstairs to find my mom drinking again and playing with my daughter.
When confronted, she told me that she doesn't think her drinking is a big deal and that I'm an adult now, and I need to get over it. That just bc she couldn't drive a car doesn't mean she can't watch a toddler. Basically implying that my feelings are not valid and that I'm too hard on her.
That was 4 weeks ago. Since then, I'm back in therapy bc of the way this is tormenting me. My kid is in daycare.
My mom has sent a few texts indicating she does not think she has done any wrong. I feel like I can't be around someone who doesn't respect my boundaries. She asked if she could facetime my kid and I told her we need space.
She told me that I'm being cruel for keeping my toddler from her saying 'I should have known you would do this to me.'
I don't know that I want to cut off contact with her forever, but I do know that I'm not ready to talk to her and I don't want her as my childcare anymore. Any ounce of remorse would make me feel more inclined to facetime with her, but I don't think that is coming any time soon. So, AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say.
I don't think you think YTA. I think you're looking for advice on how to handle this situation and that's fine.
Think about it this way: If you hired a regular nanny - and found that she'd been drinking a 12-pack while looking after your kid - wouldn't you fire her on the spot?
It shouldn't be different from your mom. You know from first hand experience what addiction does to kids. You have every right to set boundaries. You have a right to let her know that she's not welcome around your children until she gives it up. This is a safety issue.
Ecstatic_Smile_8826 OP responded:
To be clear, when she stayed over on the weekends she usually wouldn't start drinking until after my daughter was in bed. But still, if I came home to find my babysitter completely wasted I probably wouldn't let them watch my kid again.
torj99 writes:
NTA. Your mother is an alcoholic, doesn't matter if she doesn't think it's an issue. She is well aware of the situation and is trying to emotionally blackmail you. Make sure your child is safe, make sure to tell daycare employees that grandma is not allowed to pick your child up under any circumstances.
Go low-contact if you don't want to cut her off completely and do not leave your child alone with her.
waywardprince9 writes:
ESH. No comment on the FaceTime. But you let an alcoholic watch your toddler? When she showed you time and time again that she was drunk while watching your child?!
As Pam from the office said, “When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, 'Drive, kid; I trust you.'”
myannon9 writes:
ESH, u knew what ur mom was for a long time and convinced yourself she was better in hopes it would heal childhood you. Now, you are upset because she followed the same pattern of behavior, this time around your children. You let the cycle continue, and u need to stop it.
Stop it for you, stop it for your kids. She’s an addict and HAS BEEN, you KNEW this, and let an addict watch your children ALONE quite often. You’re NTA for saying no, but ESH because u knew the entire time what was going on.
U knew asking her to stop wouldn’t do any good whatsoever, and u still rewarded her with your kids and a check. Don’t let her near your kids alone again, before they have issues with YOU when they’re older that stem from your childhood issues with your mother.