'AITA for not sharing my inheritance with the rest of my 'family'?'
"AITA for not sharing my inheritance with the rest of my 'family'?"
My family situation is messy. I (25F) was engaged four years ago to my high school sweetheart. My fiancé cheated on me with my sister (28F). We had never had a good relationship even as kids, so after I found out, I went scorched earth both of them. She was “so in love” with my fiancé, but he dumped her within two weeks and was back trying to get me to forgive him (I didn’t).
My parents were initially on my side, but my sister had a nervous breakdown after she was dumped and was hospitalized so they changed their tune to “it’s over now and you can’t be mad for ever”. So I dumped them, too, and went to grad school on the other side of the country.
My grandfather was livid with the whole thing, disowned my sister, and chewed out my parents. Sometimes it felt like he was the only one who was on my side and understood.
I was able to get my job to let me work remotely and moved back to take care of him when he got sick last fall and I was devistated when he passed a couple of months ago.
I had been in limited contact with my parents since I came back mostly because I didn’t want to be an obstacle to my dad seeing my grandfather, but with the understanding that any discussion of my sister or what happened would end that.
It turns out that my grandfather left me virtually everything. He left enough for my father to cover a debt and some token stuff for a couple of other relatives, but he wrote a letters for everyone and did a video tape with his attorney explaining what his intentions were.
I knew that he had done well for himself, but he lived a pre simple lifestyle so I didn’t realize how much money and assets he really had. I would give it all up to have my papaw back but even after taxes it is set for life money.
My parents are pretty mad about it. One of the reasons stated for cutting them out was how disappointed my grandfather was with how they had treated me growing up vs my sister and over the fiance debacle. There were other reasons, but that’s what they’re fixated on.
The will is pretty airtight apparently, so my parents want me to “do the right thing” and share it equally between me, them, and my sister. Their argument is that I don’t need it.
I make more than both of them combined and this would allow them to retire. My sister is not doing great and can’t hold a job, so this would ensure she has something for when my parents pass.
I don’t want to. My grandfather’s wishes were crystal clear, and also I kind of don’t feel like doing more than the minimum for any of them. They’ve been telling me that I’m being vindictive because of a mistake years ago. I can’t deny there might be a little vindictiveness there. I don’t want them to suffer necessarily, but I also don’t feel like they deserve my help. AITA?
Q&A with OP:
So your parents were so poor they couldn’t afford two birthdays and your grandfather stood by and did nothing?
Pretend_Canary_9411 OP responded:
From what I know, my grandfather had bailed my dad out a lot already and my dad pretty much flubbed it every time, so at a certain point he told my dad not to expect anymore help if he was just going to throw it down a well and not doing anything to stand on his own feet.
It wasn’t explicitly said, but from context I think another factor was that my parents wouldn’t let him help with certain things unless he helped with other things. So my grandfather couldn’t pay for my birthday or give me birthday money without helping with their mortgage or whatever.
My grandmother kept a lockbox for me at their house, so they would give me birthday money when I was visiting and let me put it in the lockbox and said I could come get it when I wanted. I didn’t realize how messed up that was until I was older.
So why do you have contact with these people at all in the first place?
Pretend_Canary_9411 OP responded:
I moved in with my grandfather to take care of him when he was getting ready to start chemo and medical stuff basically. He set up the medical POA for me, but I would still need to be able to tell my dad what was going on if he couldn’t for some reason.
Plus I didn’t want to be a roadblock on my dad visiting my grandfather, so I sat him down and told him that we weren’t ok, but I would be civil and task focused on whatever would help my grandfather feel better while this was all going on as long as he never said a word about my sister or brought her anywhere near me.
So we had enough contact for them to come visit every couple of weeks, get phone updates, and have a few very stilted “how are you?” conversations. The intention the whole time was to go back NC as soon as things resolved however they were going to.
Were they bad parents growing up or something?
They pretty much chose my sister over me for my whole life. Everything was done to cater to her. I was a straight A student, my sister was held back a grade and just barely graduated high school but I didn’t get so much as a pat on the back because it would make my sister feel bad.
Our birthdays are pretty close together I was always forced to celebrate my birthday on hers because my parents couldn’t afford two birthday celebrations, but she always got to pick what we did. They always said it was because she was older, but now I think it was because she would throw a fit and I was quiet.
I wasn’t allowed to go to parties and sleepovers if she wasn’t invited because it upset her. It’s just always been clear that I wasn’t that important. They could have kept a relationship with me if they had agreed to never mention my sister to me again or try to force anything. Since they couldn’t do that, they got cut off.
Here's how people judged OP:
sunshinekitten33 writes:
NTA I'm so sorry your Pawpaw has gone. He sounds very loving and interesting by the way you speak about him here. That said, set your family connections on fire and walk away. That's what he would have wanted, and he granted you the means to do so. Walk tall, you've earned this.
sinisterheathen writes:
NTA this was not a simple mistake, you sister didn't trip over a crack and land on your fiance, she made a conscious choice to be involved with him. As for your parents, they could've supported her mental health without condoning her actions.
Beyond all that, toxic is toxic, be it the relationships we find or family, people shouldn't get a pass just because you happen to share genes, it was your grandfather's wishes and you are honoring those, just like he honored you in life.
mapleleaf5410 writes:
NTA. What you do with your inheritance is up to you. Don't let your parents lay a guilt trip on you. As you said his wishes we crystal clear, and he went above and beyond to make that so.
To go against that would be a betrayal of those wishes. Your parents shouldn't be relying on you to fund their retirement and your sister is an adult and should be looking out for herself. You got over your ex, she should be able to as well.