'AITA for telling my stepmom that I don't want her to be present when I give birth?'

"AITA for telling my stepmom that I don't want her to be present when I give birth?​​​​​​"

My stepmom saw a comment I made on a Facebook post several weeks ago that said I would probably have my mom in the delivery room with me if she were still alive.

The post was from a page I follow asking expectant parents if they thought their mom's being there would bring them some comfort. She messaged me on Facebook when she saw it and told me I could still have one of my mom's there, her. I replied back that it wasn't her I meant.

I saw her a few days after and she brought up to me how embarrassing it was to have me openly state that on social media where people could see. She said most would assume I have two mom's and that she would be worthy of being invited.

I told her my reply was not said to embarrass her but I was being honest about my feelings on the topic.

She brought it up more times and tried to advocate for me saying yes. When I kept saying no she said I was blessed with two mom's and sometimes I act as though I only have one.

The background to this is as follows: I lost my mom when I was 6 and dad remarried just before I turned 8. My stepmom wanted to adopt me when they got married but I didn't want that. My dad didn't want to waste the money if I'd tell a judge I didn't want it and said judge sided with me.

I think my stepmom tried to be a good second mom and tried to fill the space my mom used to. She didn't remove mom's memory but she did compete with her memory a lot.

I never wanted a second mom and always saw her as more of a dad's wife than a stepmom, but saying stepmom seemed like a compromise to not rock the boat too much. She has four sons with my dad. She's a good mom to them though I think she always wanted a daughter and I do believe that is part of the reason she could never let go of the whole "mom" thing.

But anyway. The topic was not dropped by my stepmom. I changed the subject a lot when she brought it up but over the weekend it came up again and she said I was already honoring my mom and MIL with my daughter's name (not their actual names but associations with them)...

and I have never acknowledged her as being a mom to me or even a grandma to my daughter and the least I could do is let her be there and let her support me the way I dream my mom would. She told me she could be my greatest advocate and it would go a long way for acknowledging the mother/daughter nature of our relationship.

I made it very clear to her then that I did not want her there and yes, I want my mom, but she never held that title for me. I told her that she was my stepmom and she was not someone I would feel comfortable having there for the moment.

She was upset and tried to pull my dad into it but he refused to get involved which... no surprises there. My stepmom said if I didn't want her there then I should have at least deleted those comments and she also said I had made it very clear I think nothing of her feelings. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

idara writes:

NTA. You feel the way you feel and she needs to accept that and move on. It's not your fault that she inserted herself into a situation she was not invited and it turns out also not welcome.

You have zero obligation to have anyone that isn't medical staff in the room with you while you give birth. Your comfort is second only to your health during such a stressful event and you shouldn't feel the need to include anyone you aren't entirely comfortable having with you.

ladysugalot writes:

ESH. It sounds like she oversteps but not in a truly toxic way? You seemed a bit tactless. “That’s a kind offer, let’s talk next time we’re together” and then tell her again in person, thank you but no thank you; and acknowledge that she will take on a grandparent role in some way.

slendermandad writes:

You weren't "blessed" with two moms. This is so gross. She's trying to invade the most vulnerable moment of your life to prove you see her as a mother. I'd start cutting way down on contact. Let her harass her own kids. NTA.

Here are things OP added in the comments:

There were times she would introduce herself as my mom to people. I noticed semi-early on that it was to people who would have known my mom. That was especially true with some of my friends' parents who would say I looked so much like my mom. She didn't do it with everyone. But it always stuck out when she did that.

My mom was a big baker. Stepmom was not. But there are photos of me and mom making her special brownies together. She would wear me when I was a baby while doing them and before she died I could stand there and help her out.

It was something I did with my grandma after that and once my stepmom realized I was doing that with grandma, she started doing it too and forcing me to join her. I told her it was a me and mom thing and she said well now it will be an us thing too.

In my childhood bedroom I had a photo frame that said mommy and me and it was a photo of me and mom. My stepmom got a matching frame and added a photo of me and her to it and put it in my room. I moved the frame and she found it and put it back in place.

There are other things but smaller. So she never took away my mom's stuff but she did try to match and compete with her and I would tell her I didn't want a new mom. But she continued to do so. It could easily have been some misguided belief that I would change my mind one day but I never liked it.

I have been going to therapy for the last few years. First to help me with grief since I never had therapy before and then to help with some other issues but not directly related to her. My therapist and I have talked about that.

Generally I would say I did not want another mom and nobody would have been able to fill those shoes, and as my therapist said that's okay. More specifically, I never liked how she tried to fill those shoes and competed with my mom even if she never tried outright replacing her, it pushed me away some.