Woman 'forced' to watch neighbors' autistic daughter; is told to call police. AITA?
Caring for a child, especially one with special needs, is a complicated responsibility.
One woman writes about her frustration at being expected to babysit her neighbor's adult daughter with autism. It wasn't anything to do with not wanting to help, she was genuinely concerned for the safety of the daughter, and frankly, herself.
"WIBTA for not watching neighbors' autistic daughter"
Sorry for the long post, but I just want to get some advice. My neighbors have an adult daughter Mary (late twenties/early thirties) who is special needs. From my understanding and from what I’ve been told, Mary has the cognitive ability of a child that’s around 6 years old if not younger.
Mary is independent as far as getting dressed, going to the bathroom, basic hygiene and things like that, but like with any child around 6 years old, she can NOT be left alone for long periods of time and needs supervision.
Mary’s parents have a history of leaving her at home alone for hours on end. In the past this has led to her leaving the house in attempt to find her parents and was found several hours later (and 2 or 3 miles away) by the police.
Her parents didn’t even know she was missing until they received a call from the authorities. Recently Mary has started coming to my house whenever her parents leave. On weekdays, She watches and waits for me to come home from work, then will immediately come over. On weekends Mary will come over as soon as her parents leave.
When Mary comes over she tells me that her parents left and she doesn’t know where they went or when they will be back. She also explains that they didn’t leave her anything to eat and she’s hungry.
At first when Mary started coming over I would text her parents and their response was always dismissive saying: “Thanks for watching her, we’ll be back soon.” Then show up after midnight when I have to work the next day.
When it comes to payment, they’ll give me $20 or less which doesn’t even cover dinner. I have tried talking to Mary’s parents about how they can’t just send their daughter over whenever they want to go out, because it screws up any plans I have and my schedule and they should find a sitter or agency that specializes in taking care of people with disabilities.
Mary’s parents always say that it’s either too expensive or the sitter/agency will refuse because Mary can become violent. They further explained that she has been expelled from multiple programs because of how violent she can be and the last day program she was in, she broke someone’s hand.
I should also clarify that Mary also has a brother, but even he and his wife will not watch her, because they just had a baby and are worried that she’ll become violent and hurt the baby. This leaves me with several concerns and in an uncomfortable situation.
I feel like I’m being taking advantage of and it puts me in a situation where if something happens to Mary then I’m held liable. Also, If Mary becomes violent, I will have no choice but to call the police, she’s extremely strong and weighs around 500 pounds.
I feel like I should add that I’m not exaggerating when I say that Mary is about 500lbs. I’m not skinny, in fact quite the opposite (I’m aware and am working on it). I’m not trying to body shame Mary, especially when I’m in the same boat.
I’m a big person and the fact that she EASILY has 200+ pounds and 6 inches on me is what makes me concerned. I’m usually the largest in the room and having someone who is bigger than me in both height and weight, who is known to be violent is scary.
I was just mentioning her size because being violent and 100lbs is extremely different than being violent and 500lbs. She can use her weight to her advantage.
I don’t want to get social services or the police and risk getting my neighbors in trouble, but on the other hand, they can’t just send Mary to my house and expect me to drop whatever I’m doing to babysit whenever it’s convenient for them. AITA for not wanting to watch my neighbors disabled daughter?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Call Adult Protective Services. She is a vulnerable adult whose parents/guardians keep abandoning her. You are not obligated to pick up their responsibilities, and the fact that they KNOW she takes off when they leave her alone makes them negligent. Keep track of when they leave (if you know) when they come back and how often/what days they take off.
You do not have to open your door, and it doesn't make you an ahole if you don't want to deal with her. If you tell her you are busy and she refuses to leave, you need to call the police and tell them she's been abandoned and she needs to be supervised and her parents notified.
None of this is your responsibility, and you shouldn't feel bad or guilty about setting a boundary about not 'babysitting' her. Her parents need a reality check. I've worked with adults and kids with all kinds of developmental disabilities and what they're doing is SO wrong.
I don't doubt they need a break, but you're not their respite provider and deserve to live in peace. Good luck.
NTA you should call social services. What if they send her over and you’re not there? It’s a dangerous situation for Mary and potentially other people. And it’s extremely disrespectful to you.
NTA. Do you have a friend you can stay with for a week while you build up the reserve to say No? Do you have a doorbell camera so you can record how often Mary shows up uninvited? You need to call Adult Protective Services, it's not okay that they keep dumping Mary on you.
NTA. I have an autistic daughter who is almost 9 and is very similar to having a 9yr old toddler. I wouldn't dream of leaving her with a unsuspecting neighbour at the drop of a hat.
Especially if she was prone to violent outbursts which could be down to several things like Mary being overwhelmed, not given enough warning that she was going/being left in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people or the facilities not being able to meet Mary's level of needs.
You need to call adult social services or whatever that might be where you are. Mary is being neglected. What happens if you don't come home or have to leave to run errands? Have plans? Work? You are not Mary's caretaker. Mary needs help and support, not to just be dumped on her neighbours. Their inability to afford care it isn't your problem.
Ok, I understand not wanting to get anyone in trouble, but at this point those parents NEED to get in trouble! They are completely neglecting their disabled child. It's a miracle that nothing bad has happened to her. This is going to keep happening, op. Next time you need to call police and APS and get her some help. Please. She obviously has no one to advocate for her.
NTA Call social services and the police because this behaviour isn't ok. Is there another entrance to your house you can use that the cant see so they don't know when your home? This is super inappropriate.