'AITA for putting conditions on my husband to have a fourth child?'
"AITA for putting conditions on my husband to have a fourth child?"
Me (28F) and my husband (29M) got married 9 years ago, while we were still in college. We never talked about having kids; our relationship progressed quickly, leaving out many important topics. My husband also never expressed a strong desire to be a father, but I know he likes kids and gets along well with our nieces and nephews.
But since last year, he surprised me by saying he wanted to have a child with me. He felt it was time for us to start a family. I was confused because I didn't expect this change of heart from him. I said I needed time to think, and he agreed to give me space.
After a lot of reflection, I realized I wasn't entirely against the idea of having a child, but I also wasn't excited about it. I knew having a child would completely change our lives, and I would have to give up many things I value.
So, I decided to make a list of 4 conditions that my husband would have to meet before I agreed to get pregnant. I thought it was fair since I would be taking on most of the risk and sacrifice. My conditions were:
1. He would have to undergo a fertility test to ensure he doesn't have any issues that could make conception difficult.
2. He would have to temporarily step back from his company and his brother's business, helping out for the first two years (similar to what his brother did when his wife had their first child, occasionally assisting at the company), committing to share the baby's care more than equally, without expecting me to do more than him.
3. He would have to accept that I choose the birth method I feel most comfortable with, whether natural, cesarean, or induced.
4. He would have to agree to have a vasectomy after I get pregnant because I don't want more than one child and don't want to use hormonal contraceptive methods.
I presented my requirements to my husband; he agreed to the first three but is refusing the fourth.
I asked for reasons since we wouldn't have any more children after this, but his responses were vague, fearing that something might go "wrong." I'm still holding onto these requirements, but I'm also starting to reconsider if he doesn't agree soon. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
girl if you don’t wanna have a baby just say that. jesus. also married for 9 years and yall never talked about kids??? it’s a conversation that should happen before marriage anyway. that’s b%^^$#%t.
alexamer7 writes:
YTA. A vasectomy BEFORE your child is born is stupid. What is there are issues like miscarrying? I got one but only after my 2nd child was born - the number we agreed on. It is best for you not to have kids.
sunrunner76 writes:
You don't want children, OP. This is your way of ensuring that the discussion doesn't move forward because he would be insane to agree to your fourth condition.
If you guys had been married for decades and already had children, and he was complaining about a dead bedroom because you were turning him down for se% due to a fear of getting pregnant again, this condition would be a lot more reasonable.
It's not wrong to expect men to also be responsible for contraception in a sexual relationship. But that's not the situation here, not at all. You're both still relatively young, no kids yet, and it's clearly obvious that you don't want to have kids and are only considering it to appease him.
It's okay to not want kids. It's not okay to hold him hostage if he does. You're now incompatible and should end this thing so that you're each free to find partners with similar goals. YTA.
chnatelle7 writes:
I get wanting to outline all the expectations you have for when having a child. Like you want to make sure that your husband will be a present parent, that all of the childcare would not solely fall on you that is something that is reasonable.
The fertility test though is something I’ve never heard of unless the couple knows there is a problem, that one is a bit crazy. Requiring your husband to get a vasectomy before the birth is also where you lost me, a lot of things can happen (not wishing any ill) but let’s face it the chances of something going wrong is not rare.
So I hope you see why he may be unwilling to do this. At the end of the day it is his body so it is his choice. You can’t force this if he doesn’t want to.
OP I’ll be honest if you need to have all of these requirements made in order to have a child I think you just really deep down may not want one. I don’t think you should bring a child into this world if you’re not 100% sure that you will not regret your decision.
I know some days are worse until it gets better but a child should not come out of this world from a contract. All of this should have come from love, acceptance, and growth.
I think it would be best to speak to a marriage counselor so you can all lay out your fears, expectations, wants and needs etc… before making any decision that could affect you and your partner’s future, and a potential child. So I will have to go with YTA.