Woman 'steals' fam picture from sick mom. Says 'I look ugly. Mom has dementia.' AITA?
When this daughter removes a specific picture from her mother's house, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for removing of portrait from my mothers home?'
My mother has mid (approaching late) stage dementia, and lives in her own apartment within an assisted living development. I am the youngest child, but I am POA, and handle about 80% of my mothers needs.
My older sister lives a 3 hour flight away six months out of the year, an hour car ride away the other 6 months, and does not do much at all in terms of our mothers care. It’s been a great source of frustration for me, as occasionally I have asked my sister to help with a particular task, and it just never gets done.
Ever. The other day I showed up at my mother’s apartment to find a framed photograph from my mother’s 81st birthday (4 years ago). I happen to know this photograph well, as my sister has often shown it to me.
She looks exceptionally good in the photograph, and I look exceptionally bad—something that I have adamently expressed a multitude of times over the years. She knows I hate that picture of me. I have on so many occasions made it clear to her how much I hate that picture.
Walking into my mother’s apartment, I found that my sister had the photograph blown up into a massive print, and professionally and clearly expensively framed and hung on my mother’s wall.
Though she has shown zero effort, urgency, nor willingness/ability to do pretty much anything I have asked regarding taking care of our mother, this is the one thing she decides to genuinely take the time to do and get professionally done.
I promptly removed the picture—which had replaced a photo of the four grandchildren of the family—and brought it home with me.
I am upset that my sister would hang up something that she clearly knows I feel so strongly about. I’m not completely ridiculous—if it were on a smaller 4x6 framed picture, I wouldn’t have really cared. But the fact that it is so huge and so prominent in my mothers living space, where I go to frequently and she does rarely upsets me.
Also, the fact that she put the effort into doing something petty like that when she puts a little effort into my mother’s care in general really upset me extra. Am I overreacting? And am I the asshole for taking the picture down and putting the previous one up?
A portrait of the grandchildren was removed to make room for this. The photo in question is on my mother, myself, sister and brother. There would have been many other options.
My mother has never been a person who kept many pictures in her home. She was always more interested in artwork. She does have a bunch of typical size photographs throughout her apartment, that we put on various tables and nightstands. AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say. They were torn!
wielderofaphorisms writes:
NTA. Here’s why. Caring for a loved one with dementia is devastating. Doing it without support from other family members, especially a sibling, is awful. Having a sibling actively do something so petty is a straw to break the camel’s back. I feel for you. I’ve been there. It is brutal and this is salt in the wound.
Hope you have support. The 36 hour Day book was sort of helpful. Take care of yourself. Burnout is real. Also, please make sure all the paperwork beyond POA is in order and won’t out you further at odds.
I ended up covering funeral expenses and in-person care for years for my grandmother. My mom worked herself to the bone to cover care costs. My siblings, aunt, cousins…nothing. It still chafes.
bigbluepay writes:
YTA. You seem to care more about what your sister is doing, or not doing, and what's being hung up around your mother's living space than the disease that is ravaging your mother's mind.
But the fact of the matter is what's important is your mother in her progressing dementia. Dementia causes memory loss, and pictures can help ease that, regardless of what you may feel about the pictures. Put aside your petty squable with your sister.
holidayarmadillo writes:
Esh you are definitely being too petty, photos help with dementia and if that photo has been around for a long time then it could help your mum. You need to put aside this vendetta against your sister for the sake of your mum, it’s not right that she isn’t helping but that’s not relevant to the picture issue.