Woman won't let parents put tracker on her phone; they take car away. UPDATED 2X

There can be a thin line between loving concern and suffocating control. Unfortunately, for parents - this line can be easy to cross. Particularly with adult children who are still being given the teenager treatment.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for refusing to let her parents put a tracker on her phone for her safety. She wrote:

"AITA for refusing to let my parents put a tracker on my (28F) phone?"

Context. My (28F) life has not turned out the way I wanted it to. I still live at home with my parents, who are extremely controlling. All my friends have left the country and so I'm on my own a lot. Most of my time is spent at home, at work, or going on solo walks. I don't drink. I don't go to the gym or play sports anymore. I don't have hobbies outside the house. I haven't dated anyone for 7 years.

All and all a very uninteresting life. My one solace is being outdoors in nature and walking. My parents aren't happy with this. They think women shouldn't go on walks by themselves as it is dangerous (in their words). I know it would be better to ease their concerns if I had someone to go on walks with but I don't. My mum has been trying to get me to put "Share My Location" on my phone with her for years.

I understand that she worries about my safety. However, the big problem for me is I know it is not just about my safety. She'll use it to become my stalker. I know this because she has my Dad share his location with her and visa versa. She sits and stares at her screen and will say things like "Oh your father has just left tennis", "Oh your father has just arrived at work", "Oh your father is leaving the pub".

Not that I've anything to hide, but it is the one boundary I've held on to and I have been so proud of myself for not caving.

Today's Events.

Today I decided that I'd take a trip up the coast and go for a walk along the sea. I told my parents about my plans (10:30am). My mum asked that I call her and keep in touch.

Once I got there (2 pm), I called her and told her where I was. I also told her what walk and route I would be taking. I didn't tell her when I would be home (but she also didn't ask). I also didn't message to say I was on my way home. My parents were furious when I arrived back (8pm).

My dad told me that I no longer had a say and that it was mandatory for me to have a tracker on my phone. I told him that I had done everything asked of me: I had called, explained where I was going etc. I also said they could have called me if they were concerned about my whereabouts. So as a result, I've been punished.

The car that I drive is technically my dad's and so he has taken the keys away. He says that I can buy my own car or grant them access to my tracking information. They said they would never do this to me, hold the fact they bought the car over my head.

Also, it makes no sense for me to buy a new car now. I'm at the final stage of a graduate recruitment process and if I am successful, I will be moving to London in September. However, I need to survive between now and then and without a car the little life I have is impossible. So, AITA for refusing to let them put a tracker on my phone when their concern is my safety?

Edit: My dad hasn't told me that he has taken the keys. I've a work event today (day after post) and he plans for me to not find them when I need to go.

People had a lot of thoughts about OP's parents.

Crim_penguin had a big piece of advice:

NTA, but your parents are toxic as hell. You may need to put up with this until you leave just so you can have some semblance of a life. Once you’re out, turn it off and consider going non-contact with them. It might feel awful, but it could very well be necessary.

And OP responded:

I am in my bedroom with my door closed and my dad just walked past and said "stupid b#$ch" at my door. Trying not to cry that my wonderful day has been ruined. It does feel toxic.

Mortica_Fattams wrote:

NTA. But you realize you are living in an abusive environment right? You are almost 30 and they treat you like a 12-year-old. I had to go back and read your age again. You really need to move out now.

NatashOverWorld wrote:

If it's a temporary measure, let them track your phone. Leave it at home or in your car, and buy a cheap spare phone. Also, get out of their house ASAP. No one that obsessive and controlling is going to comfortable with you going to London.

HeddyL2627 wrote:

Hold firm. This is clearly not about safety, it's purely control. Move out as soon as you can and let them control each other. NTA.

A few months later, OP jumped on with some big updates.

Hi everyone! Quick update for anyone who is interested.

Recap: My parents wanted to put a tracker on my (28F) phone "for my safety". I said no and was called a stupid b#$ch. Drama ensued. Original post here.

Update: Things were very frosty the next couple of days. My Mum eventually came to me and said that she was going to address the "elephant in the room". She said that she was very disappointed in me but, as I didn't care about her, she will just have to live without it (the tracker on my phone). I think she expected me to cave at that point but I didn't.

I said "thank you for understanding" and that was it. The car keys were returned to the drawer and nothing more was said about it from anyone (including my Dad). To this day, I have no idea why the 180-degree flip happened.

Although you all helped me realise that I have an unhealthy codependent relationship with my parents, I think it will just take time to set boundaries and learn how to be my own person. I still love them a lot and I know they love me too (even though we aren't the type of family that says so). Which leads me to my other news...I got the job in London!

I have officially moved out and am living there now. It still feels surreal. I know it is going to take some time to get used to living independently but I am ready to be my own person and learn how to do things on my own. Honestly, I had given up hope that this day would ever come. I feel so much happier and can genuinely say I am proud of myself.

If anyone has any tips for living away from home for the first time, please let me know! Finally, thank you for all your support and giving me the push I needed. I was in a very dark place and now feel like I can start living my life. Thank you.

Small Edit: People are asking about the car / asking me to check it for trackers. To clarify, I didn't bring the car with me so can't check it. Probably for the best.

People were so happy to hear OP's update:

OftheSea95 wrote:

One of two things happened:

She was expecting that little "you clearly don't care about me so it's fine" manipulation to work i.e. get you to allow the tracker to "prove" that you do care

She put a tracker on your car

The second one is most likely, so if you're still driving that car you need to do a sweep for trackers ASAP.

I get that getting away from abusive parents is hard, and will take time. My mom was damn near 70 when she finally accepted that what she experienced from her own mother wasn't love. I hope it doesn't take you nearly as long OP, and good luck on everything moving forward.

Samarkand457 wrote:

Glad you stuck it out and got to London. I hope you have a wonderful life...

...but hire a security service to check everything of yours for bugs and trackers. Just in case.

Tired-mama-of-one wrote:

Hey! That’s awesome news op! I’m glad you're getting out of there and congrats on the job! 🙏❤️

So weird to hear a good ending on Reddit, is it my cake day? Lol.

Wild_Set4223 wrote:

Go to London. Put your parents on an information diet about your plans, otherwise they might sabotage you. Get someone to make a security sweep of your car and maybe your other electronic belongings. If you find some, deactivate them when you leave.

Maleficent-Ear3571 wrote:

Congratulations! You should get a crockpot and join the reddit cooking group for simple dinner ideas. Good luck with your new job.

This is a rare time where things end happily on Reddit.