'AITA For 'lying' to my partner about having kids and laughing about it?' UPDATED
"AITA For 'lying' to my partner about having kids and laughing about it?"
Quirky-Bad7653
So I recently became engaged to my (34f) partner (35M). We met on a dating app 3 years ago and hit it off from the start.
5 years ago I got my fallopian tubes removed. I’ve known I don’t want to give birth since I was 15-years-old and have never changed my mind. I always said that if a child came into my life I’d love it, but I’m not actively seeking that out. On my dating profile it explicitly states “child-free and infertile” verbatim.
At the beginning of our relationship, my now-fiancé regularly referenced other things I put in my profile, so I had assumed he’d read that part and kids never really came up in other conversations.
Well last night, he mentioned that I should consider stopping my birth control since now we’re engaged, and given our ages, we should start trying for kids. I honestly thought he was joking and laughed.
He got frustrated and asked me why I thought it was funny, and I reminded him that the second line of my dating profile said I was ostensibly infertile. He was shocked and called me a liar.
I happened to remember that I sent a screen shot of my dating profile to a friend for review around that time and pulled up the old convo with her to show him the time and date, and that indeed it stated I was child-free.
I told him I had my tubes taken out so there was no chance of me getting pregnant without outside help (ivf is technically still an option, but I don’t want to put my body through that).
He stormed out and his mom called me crying that I’ve ruined his life. His sister sent me a long message about how getting my tubes removed should be illegal and how I’m a monster for stringing my fiancé along.
To be honest, his family never really liked me because they think I’m beneath him. A cousin told me it’s because I’m fat (true, but I’m also pretty active. Regular walks with my dog, hiking, biking, swimming, paddle boarding, and a little snowshoeing, none of which my fiancé does with me) and a career woman in a male-dominated field.
Plus, we share the household labor 50/50 and I make more money than he does. Because of this, I don’t take what they say too seriously, but I’m starting to feel bad. His family believes I stole years of his life and ruined future chances of being a father by lying about my fertility status.
He asked for space when he stormed out, so I haven’t reached out to him. I do love him, but I’m starting to have serious second thoughts given his family's reactions. I realize now that we should have talked about this before, but AITA for how I handled the situation?
EDIT TO ANSWER COMMON QUESTIONS:
Quirky-Bad7653
We have had conversations about the future, but mostly about investments, housing, and careers. Every time we’ve talked about housing, it’s usually about how many rooms for hobbies, office, ect.
We both have hobbies that take up a decent amount of space, so we’ve discussed things like would we need a room for his musical instruments or build him a studio-shed in the yard? We wanted a fenced yard for my dog, a guest room, and a good kitchen for hosting family.
He never mentioned rooms for kids in any of these discussions. We’ve talked about investing for retirement and how we want to manage that, but there was never any talk about college funds for kids or anything like that.
I am on birth control (arm implant, lasts 5 years and I’m on year 4) but only to help with my period flow and pain. We both got tested early in the relationship and I said as long as we’re both clean that was fine with me since I can’t get pregnant anyway.
He was excited by that but I didn’t explicitly mention my tubes being removed. I do have scars but he’s never brought them up.
My family knows about my procedure and is generally not very nosy to begin with, so it’s not brought up at all. We spend very little time with his family because they live a 5 hour flight away and since they don’t like me they do all communication through my fiancé. I’ve only met them in person 5-6 times and they don’t engage a whole lot which is probably best for me.
I was texting my bff about all this when she told me that he was present for a conversation with her and her partner where SHE brought up that I’d had my tubes removed and how happy I was when I got it done. I wasn’t there for that, so I can’t speak to it, but she says she swears he was an active participant in the conversation.
I think that I need to prepare for this to be the end. I’m willing to have an open convo with him when he’s ready, but as many of you pointed out, him running to his family, knowing how they already feel about me is unkind and sets a tone for our future disagreements.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
kingkemina
LOL NTA. I mean, this probably should have been a conversation before y’all got engaged, and I’m genuinely surprised it never came up again, but if dude can’t read, and he was referencing other things on your profile, that’s on him.
Although this is probably going to end your relationship. Just pointing out that this is probably a deal breaker for both of you so it’s probably a good idea to get your affairs in order.
throwthedough1
INFO: How in the world did this never come up again in the 3 years of dating? Do people not talk about having kids, future goals? Etc…
Quirky-Bad7653 OP responded:
I never brought it up because I thought it was already established. We met on Tinder, and it was the second line in my profile. Further down on my profile I mentioned that I don’t really like the texture of tomatoes, and he’s brought it up a few times without me saying anything aside from it being on my profile.
Plus our first date he asked some good clarification questions about my profile, implying to me that he’d read it all. I guess I made the bad assumption that since he didn’t bring it up it wasn’t an issue
Kooky_Protection_334
It's not your fault you didn't bring it up as you put it in your profile. For someone who supposedly wants kids I find it very strange that he never broached the subject at all. People tend to talk about when they want kids how many etc. So really he's the one at fault here considering he read every other detail of your profile.
Catlady515
NTA, but I’m also wondering how this never came up before. He probably just saw “child-free”, didn’t bother with the infertile part, and assumed you would change your mind. He’s a dumba**. His family are monsters.
The OP returned with an update after giving her fiancé some time:
Quirky-Bad7653
So my fiancé came home this morning and I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said there was nothing left to talk about. I asked if he wanted the ring back and he got angry. I’ve never seen him like this.
I tried to speak calmly to him but he was just yelling about how I was giving up and wouldn’t even talk to him. I reminded him that I’d asked if he wanted to talk and he said no, to which he responded that he didn’t think I’d “go all crazy over a disagreement.”
This was a huge wake up call for me. I asked him why he’d never brought up kids before hand and he said because he knew I would get all weird about it. I tried to get him to clarify but he just kept saying he couldn’t talk to me when I was like this. I swear I never raised my voice and tried to speak calmly the entire time.
I told him I can’t have kids, nor do I want any. I don’t want to give birth. That seems like a deal breaker for him, and his family. He said his family had nothing to do with this, and I asked why he told them then?
He said because he was hoping they’d talk sense into me. I told him I was ending the relationship and staying with my dad for the time being. This didn’t go over well. I’m still kind of shaking.
As I was leaving I asked him how long he’s wanted kids, and he admitted he never thought about it, but he knew I didn’t want any, but now that we were engaged, it wasn’t just about me, he had a say in children.
I told him I physically could not get pregnant without IVF, and asked him how he expected that to work? He responded that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I left after that because I just didn’t have the energy to try and convince him, and I didn’t want to further agitate him.
When I told my dad everything, he was furious. Apparently when my fiancé spoke to him about proposing (he did not ask permission, both my dad and I are opposed to that tradition, just basically letting my dad know his plans).
My DAD asked him if he was okay never having kids as I’d had my tubes removed (my dad says he specifically brought up my surgery and the impossibility of natural pregnancy). My fiancé told my dad that it’d always be my decision.
I’m thankful this happened before we started any of the wedding planning, but it feels like I swallowed a boulder. I know I need to be more adamant in the future about my stance on kids and I promise I will have these discussions with future partners openly and from the start.
I blocked his family from messaging me after they added me to a group message and started throwing Bible verses at me and saying that I’m a defective woman for not wanting kids. I don’t have the energy right now to be petty so I just blocked them.
My dad is going to help me move my stuff the next couple of days. I need to talk to the landlord and figure out the lease. I’m financially stable enough to pay most of the fees, I think, but I doubt my now ex-fiancé can afford the rent on his own. The only text I’ve received from him just said “You’ll regret this”. I don’t believe this is meant as a threat, but I’m being cautious just in case.
Thank you all for the feedback. It was helpful to understand where I went wrong. This was my first long-term relationship and I f*&$%d up a lot of the communication, but I know it’s not just on me.
I tend to be the kind of person that doesn’t like to re-hash things if I feel like we’re on the same page, but with huge decisions like this reiterating is necessary, and people are allowed to change their minds, which means re-hashing is necessary in a healthy relationship.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
Snake_Bitex
Maybe I've spent too much time online, but I can't help but wonder if there's something else to this... Like if he cheated on OP, and decided to pick a fight over this to make HER look like the bad guy so that his family won't question a new woman in his life?
Like, I just can't wrap my head around how he's had explicit conversations with people about OP not having kids, then suddenly acting like he doesn't understand basic biology and calling OP a liar.
It's very possible he's just that dumb but part of me wonders if he did something that made him do all this out of guilt. Either way sounds like it happened for the best now so OP isn't tied to someone so unhinged.
Least-Influence3089
Wait, OP’s dad brought up the fallopian tube removal to the fiancé before he proposed? Did fiancé spontaneously forget this? Or I’m wondering if the fiancé isn’t clear on that piece of biology/mechanic for pregnancy?
SirenSongWoman
Girl, listen to me. It is YOU who wasted years on him. He literally LIED while calling YOU a "Liar". He knew you would not be having kids. And all that crazy stuff he spewed at you?
You don't say whether he'd ever behaved so unhinged before, but... If he never had I'd say the topic of you INTENTIONALLY choosing childlessness to the point where you'd had surgery to prevent it, came up in conversation at a family thing, and they lost their sh*t.
They probably called you "weird" and "abnormal", which had him questioning his own leanings. I am sure their reaction to news of your surgery was so strong he decided to keep quiet about his own desire to be free of kids.
Oh, yeah, Sis. Your former-fiance totally fed you to the wolves. He doesn't want to have kids, either, but now he HAS to if he doesn't want to get in trouble - and he can't placate them as long as he's with you.
You're sitting over here going, 'But.... I never lied. He KNEW!' Yeah he did. But his family has him by the short hairs, they will never accept you, and he's their precious little boy (eww) so he's projected onto you the label "Liar" in hopes that he won't have to face the REAL truth of what a blazing COWARD he is, all while lying about not wanting to be a dad to his family and himself.
A decade later, he'll be a crap parent to a kid he never wanted, sitting on his butt playing video games while his poor wife gripes on this very board about how trapped she feels married to a lazy clown whose family thinks he's The Second Coming, while she's exhausted from doing ALL the work...Cut off all ties, count your blessings, and be grateful he showed his *ss before he put a ring on it.
Btw, I knew I didn't want kids when I was five. I got a lot of weird accusations about choosing childlessness and here I am at 62, so glad I never procreated. My mother was amazing and we were very close but when I told her I didn't want kids but DID want a husband she said THAT was "the stupidest thing" she'd ever heard.
She said "You have complete freedom... Why would you give that up?" Growing up during The Great Depression, she had no options. I did. And I love my life. Further, a lot of moms look at my big house and carefree retirement (I planned and worked for that) and I can feel the bitterness as I plan for my next overseas adventure.
I am "abnormally" happy and proudly "weird." You'll be able to trek all over the Greek Isles if you so choose, but I doubt your ex or any of his family members will. Keep moving and don't look back, Lucky😉
Training-Constant-13
I would bet money that her bf thought her being child-free was a phase and that he "could change her" or even force her to have kids. That one line about how them now being engaged means he has a say in her life, is super telling.
OP may not see it now, but she is super lucky she got away from such a manipulative and controlling person, who is apparently uneducated on top of it all, if he thought his d*ck was strong enough to "reverse" her surgery.