Woman goes into labor at SIL's baby shower; everyone is furious at her 'baby stunt.'

Most people know not to steal the thunder of a bride/mother-to-be/birthday person/event host. But what do you do if that happens unintentionally?

A young woman wanted to keep her situation private while being respectful of her family's social events. When a scary medical emergency happened, her plan went awry, and now family members are upset with her. So, she came to Reddit to ask:

'AITA for hiding my pregnancy and showing up to SIL's baby shower?'

HelloCheese12 writes:

I (23f) am currently 8 months pregnant. We had been keeping it a secret and planned to tell people around this time, but a few months after my pregnancy my SIL (26) found out she was pregnant, and then it just felt awkward to announce.

We wanted to wait for the right time. I’ve been with married to my Husband for only 6 months, but we’ve been together on and off since we were 14 (permanently together since we were 16).

When we were 17, we found out I was pregnant I had complications, I gave birth to my preemie stillborn at 25 weeks. So this pregnancy we’ve been extra cautious, and secretive.

I haven’t seen family much these past few months and I carry small, but as I developed a bump I’ve been wearing hoodies and loose clothing. With that I kind of just looked like I gained weight.

We were hesitant on me going, I was just going to send my husband with a gift of mine, but SIL said she really wanted me there. I decided to try my best to hide the bump and go.

It was all going well, no one noticed, I mean I got a few looks but no one asked me anything. Then about an hour in I started having tiny cramps, that eventually got more aggressive. I told my husband we need to leave I need to go to the hospital.

As we’re walking a sharp pain hit me, and I grabbed the picnic table next to me and almost stumbled over causing attention to myself. I really thought I was in labor, the pains were getting so intense.

People started surrounding us, asking what was the matter and my husband says “She’s pregnant, guys she pregnant, something’s goin on, we have to leave.” He was panicked himself. He rushed me to the hospital.

By the time we got the hospital my pains had subsided, they said it was false labor. My husband and I both had angry texted messages from SIL and other guest at the party about us hiding the pregnancy, how messed up it was, and how they couldn’t believe I showed up pregnant and was secret about it.

How I had a “babystunt” at someone else’s shower Just a lot of not nice texts. Not one asking if I was alright.

What do you think? Did OP do anything wrong?

Reddit seems to think so! People were very divided between YTA (not the a-hole) and NTA (not the a-hole).

Inconceivable44 says:

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy and I am glad you and baby are both healthy. That being said, in this instance YTA. You are 8 months along, can go into labor any day, and it comes out at your SIL's baby shower? That is extremely disrespectful. I get why you kept it private in the beginning. You should have told them before the shower and offered to not come if it would be an issue.

JHoot2022 defends OP:

It came out because she thought she was in labor, she made every effort for it not to be about her.

imSOsalty points out:

She didn’t intend to announce? SHES 8 MONTHS. THERE IS NO ANNOUNCEMENT. If you don’t want people to know until the baby is born then you don’t go to stuff.

PsiBlaze writes:

I will always reject the notion that a woman's condition is the business of anyone outside of herself and spouse. Being pregnant makes her no less than any other individual with a medical condition. Her body is her business. She's not flashing an engagement ring at a wedding.

moa711 agrees:

What is up with all these commenters that feel entitled to know the current state of someone else's womb? It doesn't matter how far along she is. Heck it doesn't matter if ops kid is now 21 with a 5 o' clock shadow, sitting outside, smoking a pack of camels. Pregnancy and birth are on a need to know bases, and clearly none of these people needed to know.

lexisplays comments:

It's not like SIL held a gun to her head. She should have not gone.

jkrowlingisaTERF goes full ham:

Right because how dare she go into preterm labor?!?! how DARE she set foot outside of her house when she KNOWS SIL is having her baby shower! It's like she wanted her water to break while she was there just to rub it in! How self-centered! How inconsiderate!

She should have either retroactively given everyone a play-by-play update of the pregnancy so they knew what to expect, or just held it in and made the cramping stop. I mean, the nerve!

thiswillsoonendbadly asks:

So essentially women in the same families just aren’t allowed to be pregnant at the same time, lest they accidentally “upstage” each other? At some point people are being overly precious about their SpEcIaL dAy.

eapnon counters:

Nah, it is about being empathetic. Op knew it might cause an issue (she didn't want to go) and instead of just calling SIL and explaining the situation, she continued to keep her pregnancy under wraps.

If everyone (or at least the SIL) knew beforehand, nobody would see it as op hiding then making a big scene for no reason. Instead, lack of communication makes it seem like they were trying to upstage SIL.

Soft ESH (everyone sucks here) imo. OP could have given the SIL a warning and there wouldnt have been a cluster like this. The party goers don't know the background so it seems like OP was trying to make a scene, but, even if she was, they should make sure she's OK instead of attacking her.

And then Merykare sums it all up with compassion:

The rulings on this are probably going to be split between people whose lives have been touched by loss and infertility and people whose lives have been blessedly free of such hardships. Reddit skews young and male and I hope OP keeps that in mind when she reads any a-hole decisions.

I don't think many young men, especially those who aren't fathers, are capable of really empathizing with just how much a stillbirth destroys a mother. It takes so much courage and hope to try again, to open yourself up to potentially experiencing that kind of loss again. Everything feels so fragile, on the precipice of shattering down around you.

You can't even allow yourself to be tentatively happy, can't celebrate the nearing arrival of your baby, because you fully know what could go wrong and what you stand to lose again.

And if you announce the pregnancy, everyone else is going to want to celebrate. They're going to want to throw a shower and be happy and talk about the baby when you can barely even acknowledge the pregnancy yourself because you fear you'll be tempting fate.

And if anyone you know is a complete buffoon, and chances are you know a good few, they'll flippantly say things that insult the memory of the baby you lost. They'll act like this new baby will erase the one that died, will magically heal the wounds left in your soul.

When in reality there will always be a hole in your heart in the precise shape of your missing child's presence in this world. Nothing can heal that wound.

And then if the worst happens, if you lose this baby too, everyone knowing about it will press forward like a tidal wave. You won't be able to grieve in privacy, you'll actually be expected to manage other people's emotions as they feel the need to burden you with how sorry they are for your loss, as they invade into your life, as they insist on visiting you and 'helping'.

All you want to do is lay in bed and weep but now you have to get up and answer the door to receive a casserole and invite someone in for coffee so they can bear witness to your undoing. And you'll be scrutinized. If you don't appear to be grieving 'enough', if you appear to be grieving 'too much'. If you're obviously standing on the precipice of a mental collapse.

Words can't even fully describe these experiences. If a mother wants to keep her pregnancy a secret, that is 100% her prerogative and everyone else should keep their opinions to themselves.

So, what do you think? Was OP an a-hole, or just being private?

Be kind out there, everyone!