'AITA for telling my wife that pregnancy isn't an excuse to get away with things?' UPDATED
He thought his wife was using pregnancy as an excuse for everything.
Unfortunately, he learned that her situation was much more serious and ran much deeper than he could have imagined. This particular story is a four part series of updates from the OP as he learns more about the struggles that his wife was quietly going through as she carried their child.
"AITA for telling my wife that pregnancy isn't an excuse?"
I (36) and my wife (28)have been trying hard for a baby and finally got lucky with one. Although now that she is pregnant it seems like she is using it to her advantage. She recently adopted a cat (which I'm allergic too) and said “think of the baby” or “the baby needs a buddy” I gave in but kept my distance around the cat.
Whenever I ask her to help with some chores around the house she always said she can't because of the baby. I tried communicating to her that I don’t want the baby to be an excuse for everything, she began to yell at me screaming saying I have no idea what it’s like to be pregnant and to get over it.
It hurt me I will admit. I stayed quite and did everything she asked. I needed a break no doubt, I had cleaned the house everyday, went to work, took care of the cat she wanted while she quit her job and stayed home doing nothing but watching tv and ate.
I did her makeup for her like she asked, rubbed her feet, massaged her but it never seemed to be enough.
One day I asked her if I could just go hang out with my friends for a bit and she got mad and started screaming at me saying that she needed me here. What about the baby? I was so tired and fed up that I told her to stop using her pregnancy as an excuse to get away with things. I care about our baby, but I will not stand for this. She called me an a**hole and I walked out. AITA?
After reading this first post, here is what people had to say:
It’s an odd choice to adopt a cat during pregnancy. Toxoplasmosis, which lives in cat poop, is pretty much only a risk for healthy people if it is contracted while a woman is pregnant. (Not usually a problem if it is contracted prior to pregnancy or after.)
That is why pregnant women are advised to not scoop litterboxes for the duration of their pregnancies. NTA, her choices don’t make sense.
I agree you should carefully and thoughtfully rehome the cat, or surrender it to a shelter or rescue organization. Nothing going on here is the cat’s fault and it shouldn’t suffer because of bad choices made by humans.
I would suggest to keep the cat and get rid of the girlfriend.
I mean besides the obvious - she asked OP to do her makeup for her??? Op unless you just so happen to be a makeup artist by trade, that is an awfully weird request.
First trimester can be more brutal than 3rd due to nausea / fatigue / general feeling like shit all the time, but really just depends on the person. This lady definitely seems to be milking it.
NTA- I think the last thing you guys needed is a baby. I hope she comes back to reality sooner rather then later. Good luck.
The next day, the OP returned with an update:
My wife’s sister went to talk to her and she got back to me, apparently my wife wasn’t acting like her normal self. The way she described my wife was paranoid, upset easily and speaking nonsense.
I don’t quite understand but her sister told me that we should definitely speak to the doctor about it. I’m afraid and fear the worst. I asked if I should come over, she said that might not be the best plan and she will take a week off of work to help take care of her sister if anything was to happen.
Her sister said she doesn’t seem able to take care of herself. I agreed it would be the best course of action for right now. I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve never been through this before. Any help?
This update sparked an entirely new set comments from readers following the story and wanting to help. Here are the highlights:
You need to get in contact with a doctor before she becomes a risk to herself or the baby. Call the damn paramedics if you need to if she becomes completely resistant to speaking with medical professionals.
In dms I mentioned how she might be suffering from a prenatal form of PPD/PPA and I know you can’t get in contact with her OB but any doctor you speak to will be able to contact them for you if you know their name. There’s nothing more you can do but get her help.
Hi. I’m so sorry that pregnancy for both of you is not what either of you envisioned. I will tell you that it is very, very important that you get her to her obstetrician soon as you can and go with her. Your wife cannot be relied upon, and maybe isn’t capable of, describing the changes in personality that you have observed.
Her sister should probably be present, if possible, or brought in by conference call or separate communication with the doctor before the appointment. Why?
Because serious mental health problems including perinatal psychosis (rare, but it happens) can emerge during a pregnancy. In the case of psychosis, it’s called perinatal psychosis. If these problems occur, they endanger both wife and child.
I’m sorry OP. Calling your wife’s sister in was a good idea. I hope you both can get your wife the help she needs. As other commentators have said this stuff isn’t unheard of in pregnancy and can often be treated or at least managed. You did the right thing raising the flags and I have no doubt you’ll make contact with a good doctor if you haven’t already.
I think it's great that you asked for help, here and from your sister-in-law. And that you have also accepted this help. Talk to your wife's doctors as soon as possible, call an ambulance if necessary or talk to the medical or psychological crisis service if she refuses medical help.
Otherwise, if she behaves in such an unusual way, she could become a danger to herself and your baby. You will get through this!
It seemed this would be the end of the story, but, three weeks later, the OP was back:
So I will keep this short but straight to the point. My wife went to the doctors and she has something call Postpartum Psychosis. I got the information from my sister-in-law. I’ve been doing my research about it as I know little about this diagnosis. I’ve came to ask for reliable sources and what to do; how can I help her?
Any help is appreciated. Whether you’ve been through it, have experience, or just know anything about it. I thought postpartum happened after pregnancy but this is a whole new concept.
While this new update wasn't lengthy, it did provide a vital piece of new information, and again readers wanted to help:
I'm not a doctor, but I know sometimes pregnancy can induce/'activate' underlying mental illness symptoms. How you can help is to keep up on research. Make sure she is still seeing doctors about it, cause it is a medical emergency and anti-psychotics in pregnancy can be iffy due to withdrawal symptoms in baby (2nd generation isn't too bad, latuda is a gentle one that I used to take).
Also, give support in written form. If she doesn't want contact, write a letter for your sister in law to hold onto until your wife is ready to hear from you.
You should probably also, if you haven't already, consult a lawyer about potential custody issues if her psychosis becomes extra dangerous after the baby is born. Just a thought and totally not something to jump on right away if you're uncomfortable with that idea.
Post partum psychosis isn't a latent illness its an acute one brought on by hormonal changes. People make a complete recovery with the right care. She needs inpatient admission for an extended period however. Ideally in a MBU specialising in this.
To add, please start building a support network because this likely won’t be resolved once the baby is born. Her postpartum depression (PPD) may be especially severe. Have a meeting with y’all’s family and closest friends and come up with a game plan of support for after the baby arrives.
Come up with some standard procedures in case Emergencies A, B, or C occur and make sure everyone is on the same page, whether this means a sister coming in to relieve the husband or a caretaker coming in to care for the baby while family ensures wife’s safety/well-being. Talk to her doctors about resources as well.
Also, please read as much as you can about pregnancy and the first year of parenting. Read about postpartum depression and psychosis. You’re going to be the captain navigating this ship to calmer seas so you must be prepared for anything.
Mental illnesses caused by pregnancy or the end of pregnancy (birth, miscarriage etc) are no joke. I only had postpartum and I threatened to put my son outside if my grandma didn't come get him.
Thankfully, I made an appt and started antidepressants the next day. I honestly don't know if I would've done it, I hope it was the blustery talk of a 19 yr old overstimulated with a preemie and just had a miscarriage but I'm thankful I never had to find out and that my grandma supported me through my treatment.
At least they caught postpartum psychosis before it killed her, as I knew a woman who taken their own lives because of it.
I’m so sorry you, and your family went through that. I’m so glad you had a good support system to help you through that.
Then another week after the OP's second update, they returned:
According to a lot of comments and chat messages I received it’s actually called pre-partum psychosis and I am very grateful to you all for the correct term. As I was never really in the doctors office when this was spoken I was just referring to everything that my SIL told me.
Thankfully, I have the correct term which I’m going to be doing even more studying about this diagnosis. Thank you all for your support, help sources etc. etc.. I also realize that I have a lot of typos which makes my story seem a little unbelievable. Which is truly I don’t blame you for thinking. And I do thank everybody who has been helping me.