'40 weeks pregnant and reamed out by partner for spending $35.' UPDATED
"40 weeks pregnant and reamed out by partner for spending $35."
My spouse and I split the mortgage and put equal amounts into our down payment. He makes about $45,000 more than I do. We have a shared account for housing purchases but separate personal accounts. I was reluctant to merge our accounts because I feel he can be controlling and didn't want to have my purchases analyzed.
I buy the majority of the groceries since I drive around the city getting discounts. He also supports his Mom financially. I feel like I spend more money on groceries than he realizes but we've never nickel & dimed it. He's offered and I admit I've put it off.
Fast forward to me being 40 weeks pregnant on a medical leave about to have a significantly reduced income. I am also currently stretched financially since I have a condo that was up for sale. It's been free of tenants and I have been paying that mortgage.
Also, we received mostly EVERYTHING we could've ever wanted for our baby from my friend. I also paid for the car seat, change table and nursing chair. My job gifted us an enormous amount of diapers.
NOW: We wanted to put floating shelves in the nursery. I ask to use his credit card. Whilst buying the floating shelves, I used his credit card to buy a $35 laundry drying rack. This is where it all unravels.
I've expressed wanting a drying rack in the past (we use ski poles to hang items between doors. I climb a chair to balance these sticks. I am thinking of all the laundry I'll be doing with a baby and don't want to be climbing a chair to balance clothing on ski poles).
When I expressed wanting to buy one, he said he wants one he can attach to the wall. He's also expressed it not being a priority at this time since my income is reduced (He makes over 100K).
I had a feeling this purchase would be an issue so all the other errands I did that day I used my own credit card (i.e. filled gas in my car which we share; bought new batteries for our garage door opener ($15); made copies of our house keys since he asked me to ($15); small groceries ($30) since my Mom is staying with us and he gets cranky when 'his' food is eaten).
I know I'm being incredibly verbose here but I feel like all these details matter since I truly run myself to my financial limit to avoid his wrath/lectures.
When I got home, he demanded I return it. I did return it but I told him he is controlling. We were supposed to go on a date as a final evening before baby; he cancelled that and told me its the 'last time he will be sponsoring my shopping habit'. This comment pushed me over the edge. I am truly so frugal and spend all my own money.
He said I buy things for fun with his credit card. I think I've used his credit card a total of 5-10 times in our five year relationship and its been getting groceries for parties with HIS family. I've NEVER once used his credit card on anything personal.
32 hours later: he tells me he is buying his own car (to dissociate from needing anything from me, I imagine) and he will 'never help me financially again and its up to me to figure out how I am going to finance my maternity leave'.
I understand he is stressed and I think his stress comes out in the form of control. He's also a 40 year old man and needs to learn to deal with stress like any other adult in society. I also feel his response was not so much about the $35 but that I bought something 'we don't need' that was not preapproved.
This time, I refuse to apologize and made it very clear how upset I feel which leads to further escalation.
I'm p*^@ed off because this is the kind of support I receive leading into labour. I'm also p*@%ed off because I feel like there is an assumption by his family and friends that I live off his income since we have a beautiful home in a desirable neighbourhood and he has a significantly higher paying job than me.
I've never let on that this couldn't be further from the truth.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Don't sell your condo. Move into it with your baby.
This isn't normal. I repeat, this is not normal. I hate to say this to a pregnant woman, especially at the tail end of her pregnancy, because I know this is the absolute most incredibly stressful time in your life. But you gotta go. This is not going to work itself out, and you need to pack up all of the things you got from your friend and move back to your condo.
You'll be fine. File for full custody and child support, but you need to start planning your escape now, before the baby comes. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
??? He leaves it to you to figure out how to finance your leave? If it were me I’d “leave” to spend some time in that condo of yours.
I would help! Wtf?!
'32 hours later: he tells me he is buying his own car (to dissociate from needing anything from me, I imagine) and he will 'never help me financially again and its up to me to figure out how I am going to finance my mat leave'.' RUN.
OP’s going to have Reddit on her doorstep soon to help. Hell, even her spouse’s MIL will help.
Later OP came back with an update in the same post:
Beautiful people Thank you, thank you, thankyou. Even writing this out was cathartic for me. I was not expecting such a reply. Reading your reactions helps me realize how toxic and dysfunctional things are.
Lots of you told me to move into my condo - it actually did sell so that's not a possibility but the profits from that will help me move on. Moreover, I did have my baby. That has been a gift. My Mom has been at our house helping me; though my partner has been a complete d%$# to her.
She is flabbergasted and feels like I need to GTFO and I have been making too many excuses for him as usual (i.e. "post partum anxiety; obsessive compulsive personality disorder, etc"). At the end of the day, I realize holding empathy for someone who doesn't mirror it back is really not healthy.
I did have a conversation with him about our finances and told him what he is doing is financial abuse. Thank you, community, for illuminating that to me. He did end up buying drying racks that he installed in the wall. He did not apologize for all the drama but expressed wanting those all along and not the one I bought.
He also never did buy a car. He does bluff, sometimes; I did not follow up with the car since I did not want to revisit the drama in my post partum state. Some of you suggested, I cut him off from baby right away. This I did not feel okay doing. So far, he has been a very doting Father; in fact, part of his behaviour towards my Mom is being very protective/territorial over our daughter.
I can predict this will make separation difficult in the future. I am in conversations with lawyers but also focusing on improving things between us: having a transparent mutual budget and him having to change his reactivity. I don't see myself waiting around for long; I suppose in my mind, I want to know that not only have I reach the end of my rope but I communicated the need for improvement.
To those of you that wrote me personal messages and were worried for my safety : thank you for concern and care. You make me feel so much less alone. Though, he can be a major a^%$ole towards me, I have never felt physically threatened. I can see that he commits financial and emotional abuse but I do feel physically safe in my current situation.
I know this is not enough for any relationship. I am not trying to diminish other forms of abuse. Moreover, this is not the model I want for my daughter. I know it needs to change and thank you, Reddit Community, for being a catalyst.