Woman tries to warn best friend about 'disastrous' surprise proposal. UPDATED
Buckle up, friends.
This one is a doozy.
'AITA if I tell my friend her BF is planning to propose?'
My (27f) best friend has been dating her boyfriend (26m) for over 5 years. Awhile back he reached out to me to help figure out ring size and the set up so he could make this the most magical day for her.
Having known my friend for over 20+ years, I know exactly how she wants her proposal to go and who she wants to be there, so I relayed all this information to him months ago via texts and over the phone. I even took the time to covertly find and confirm which ring she would love the most.
A little background: My friend is INCREDIBLY family and friend oriented, and in the past expressed to me on multiple occasions (especially during holiday season) that in the 5 years they’ve been together, he hasn’t really made much of an effort to indoctrinate himself into her family or friendships the way she has for his.
While I do generally like him, i have always felt that he is incredibly self-serving and self-focused. Recently, through a mutual friend, I found out he started a group text between his (emphasis on HIS) friends and his family to set up the time and date of the proposal.
He has not only excluded myself (and according to the screenshots I’ve seen, he is doing everything VERBATIM I suggested he do) but he has completely excluded her family and other close friends from the event.
He is planning on only having his “boys” and family present for the occasion, and knowing my friend this would ultimately break her heart not being able to share this moment with her loved ones.
I got heated and called him. At first he was dodging my questions, then just out right said “this is my proposal and I’ve spent enough time and money to choose how I do it, just be happy for your friend. It’s not like you’re not coming to the wedding.”
This INFURIATED me, and to make matters worse, I ran into her mom and dad at the grocery store and subtly asked if they knew of any possibility she was getting engaged. They were unaware, and I know for a fact my friend has told him that he needs to ask her parents for their blessing (she’s somewhat traditional).
My friend wears her heart on her sleeve, and I can predict how this event will go down when she sees all of his close friends and family and none of hers.
Considering her previous sentiments about his lack of interest in her family/life, she will 100% see this as being hurtful and selfish and I know she’ll cry. To make matters worse, the location of the proposal is a whopping 30 minutes from her parents home.
I don’t want to get involved in a fight or reveal the surprise, but on the other hand I feel I owe it to my life long friend to help her avoid being hurt and disappointed, maybe even helping her rethink what her future would look like with someone who just doesn’t really appreciate what she values in life. So, AITA if I tell my friend her boyfriend is going to propose?
The OP popped back up with a quick update on this initial post.
EDIT: I did not tell her parents, I ~covertly~ inquired if he had spoken to them yet about proposing since it’s been 5 years, like in a joking way.
EDIT 2: The proposal is scheduled for this weekend, I will give you guys an update on how it goes. After so many responses, I have decided not to say anything and to let things play out. I gave him an opportunity by expressing the need to invite her parents and friends like she’s always wanted, and he chose not to - that’s on him, not me!
People were more than happy to share their two cents.
DO NOT TELL HER. As much as you know her and want this proposal to go as planned, it is ultimately up to her boyfriend how he wants to do it. If your friend is disappointed, then that can be her sign to discuss with her fiancé about moving forward. It is not your place to tell her or intervene at this point.
YWBTA. His proposal is ultimately none of your business. If he chooses a proposal she hates, that'll be between them. It sounds like you have a specific vision of how it 'should be' & are trying to force your vision on top of his. You're being way inappropriate here. All this petty sleuthing is over the top & over the line.
Oh my gawd are you really asking this?? Yes YWBTA!!! Stay the hell out of it!
YTA. He’s right. Just be happy for them. If she wanted “the proposal of her dreams” she should have planned to propose first. He’s proposing. You’ve given your input and now he gets to plan as he sees fit. You totally overstepped by calling him and telling her parents. Get out of it asap before you become the bad guy who doesn’t get an invite to the wedding.
YTA. You are assuming a whole lot here. She may just be overwhelmed with joy that he proposed and forget the family. She may just have mild disappointment with that at most. You really don't know! You are projecting your own s**t onto her, seriously.
He was right actually. You should just leave him alone and be happy for your friend. Frankly, it strikes me that you just don't like the guy and wish he made more of an effort to include YOU. You said friends and family but I think that you really just speak for yourself. Do her a favor and butt out and don't weigh her down with your own disappointments and sentiment.
YTA! I can't believe you told her parents, that's awful. It's supposed to be a special moment when a man tells his partners parents his intentions you've potentially ruined it. Maybe he is going to tell them but he hasn't told you because you're trying to take over.
Stop interfering- you're not a third wheel in this relationship, she's not dating you. I know you want your friend to have her dream proposal but every man who proposes doesn't have guidance from their partners best friend.
This is a special moment between a couple and you're potentially going to mess things up trying to control a situation that doesn't concern you. If she doesn't like his proposal I'm sure she can decide that for herself.
After this initial burst of comments, the OP responded with a shockingly rational call for civility.
Since this is the top comment so far, I’m hoping my response here will be seen by the masses: fellow redditors, let me make this super super clear, you’ve convinced me 10 fold not to say anything to her and to let things play out as they should!!!
I have done the extent of what I can by trying to reach out to him, and he decided not to listen to me, that’s on him. It’s not my place to initiate a fight/problem and possibly ruin things before they even happen.
Trust me when I say, I am not going to go through with it! I see now that this is 1000% not my place regardless of my loyalty and relationship with my friend and would be making things far worse by interjecting myself where I have no right to be.
On a side note, I really just want you guys to understand that at the end of the day I’m a stranger to you, but more importantly, just like you, I’m only human. Please don’t make hurtful assumptions on my character or my relationship with my friend based on a very brief summary of the situation.
I know as well that this is the internet, and by posting here I've essentially invited such declarations on myself. But I came here for advice since I was admittedly operating in an emotional state, and nothing good comes from making decisions when you don’t have a clear state of mind.
All I ask is that you please be respectful and know that I have read and acknowledged that this has certainly earned a YTA judgment.
Please just try for a moment to understand that we all have people in our lives we care deeply for and want only the best for them, and when we worry for them it can sometimes obstruct our judgment. This doesn’t make me a bad person or friend, just utterly and completely misguided!
Commenters continued to insist that she should stay out of it. Well, yesterday, the OP returned to share the devastating result.
UPDATE: The Aftermath
To everyone who told me to keep my mouth shut, thank you.
So on Saturday, the day of the proposal, I got a call from her boyfriend. He was SCREAMING at me, BLAMING ME for not showing up (uninvited still) to the proposal with her parents because she was upset they weren’t there… I was f**king slack jawed.
I told him I knew this would happen, and he says VERBATIM “you just admitted you knew this would happen, so If you knew the whole time and you actually cared about her, you would have invited them.”
I was Gob smacked and hung up on him. Not even an hour later I get a call from her asking me to come to her parents. According to her, this is how the situation played out: he popped the q, she said yes and the people he invited popped out from hiding.
She was bombarded by 4 of his guy friends, his mom, dad, older brother and his sister in law. His parents were holding a sign that read “welcome to the family, Mrs.(insert his last name here)” and this is where things go down hill.
I did not know this before (and I thought I knew everything), but my friend doesn’t want to change her last name, and she’s told him that repeatedly since they got together. She’s an only child from a Ukrainian family and with everything going on with Ukraine in the last year she’s doubled down.
When she saw the sign she joked “Mrs.(his last name)? I think you mean Mrs.(her last name)!” Everyone went silent until his mom said “Well the ring is already engraved, no changing it now!” She takes the ring off and see’s “Mrs.(his last name)” engraved on the band.
Then she asked if her parents were coming. He gave every excuse: He didn’t have their number, there were too many people there, he wanted to keep it private and eventually said “This was my proposal to you and now My family is your family. We can just send your parents the pictures later.”
SHE TOOK THE RING OFF AND LEFT. That’s when I’m assuming I got that call from him. She went straight to her parents. She asked them about the engagement, they were clueless. She then asked if I knew anything.
I asked if she was in the right place, she said she was, so I told her I would answer any question she had (rather than dumping everything on her).
She was upset but thanked me. She was furious when I told her about the call from him earlier and said “does he really think I’m that shallow?” She said it wasn't about having a perfect proposal or her parents there, it was about him making the whole thing about himself as always and she was done feeling ignored and belittled. So this was her breaking point.
She’s staying with her parents currently and has been receiving texts from him. The worst one so far is him telling her she has to pay him back for the ring and for ruining his life.
Right now, all I can do is be here for her, and whatever decision she makes, I will fully support because, as you’ve all helped me realize, this isn’t about me, it’s about her. Not my monkey, not my circus.
The OP then provided another update a few hours later for questioning readers.
She gave him the ring back when she took it off, I didn’t include that because I was at the 3,000 character limit already.
Also, I did not mention this plan when I originally posted just in case her ex found this thread, but I can report now that we got a heads up last night that he wasn’t at their apartment, so we ran over and got most of her s**t out, at least all the really important stuff. To those asking, no she isn’t going back to him, it’s over.
With all the added information, here is what people had to say:
They dated for 5 years and he claims he doesn’t have her parents’ number? Yeah he’s a self centered AH and she’s better off without him. Too bad she wasted so much time.
Good! If you had intervened & showed up with her parents, she probably would have married him & spent a few years feeling ignored & belittled, all the while believing y'all had his back, not hers.
Thank you so much for the update! I've been looking for it all week. I'm so proud of your friend, it must have been so hard to take the ring off and walk away in front of all of HIS people. She has saved herself such hardship and trauma by nipping it in the bud.
I can't believe that he thinks that she should pay for it after he had it engraved with something he knows she didn't want - it seems that he and his family were trying to force her to take their name. I guess he'll be going shopping for a new bride now that he has a ring, hahaha.
I wish you and your friend much happiness! You're both strong!
Making your proposal to your girlfriend all about you and what you want...and completely ignoring what she wanted. That was a bold move. And not surprisingly...it blew up in his face spectacularly. I sincerely hope his buddies never let him live this down.
An engagement ring engraved Mrs. XXXX? Yikes! That's not an expression of love but of ownership. Glad OP's friend had the good sense to bail.
Color me shocked that this played out precisely as you’d predicted it would! I’m glad you went with the advice not to say anything and he learned the hard way. What a putz. And now he’s a single putz.
It's complicated, but what do you think? Should the OP have warned her best friend or did this unfortunately blow up reveal core problems in a problematic relationship?