'AITA if I tell my friend her BF is planning to propose? He's excluding her family.'

"AITA if I tell my friend her BF is planning to propose?"

Throwaway1728364 writes:

My (27f) best friend has been dating her boyfriend (26m) for over 5 years. Awhile back he reached out to me to help figure out ring size and the set up so he could make this the most magical day for her.

Having known my friend for over 20+ years, I know exactly how she wants her proposal to go and who she wants to be there, so I relayed all this information to him months ago via texts and over the phone. I even took the time to covertly find and confirm which ring she would love the most.

A little background: My friend is INCREDIBLY family and friend oriented, and in the past expressed to me on multiple occasions (especially during holiday season) that in the 5 years they’ve been together, he hasn’t really made much of an effort to indoctrinate himself into her family or friendships the way she has for his.

While I do generally like him, I have always felt that he is incredibly self-serving and self-focused.

Recently, through a mutual friend, I found out he started a group text between his (emphasis on HIS) friends and his family to set up the time and date of the proposal. He has not only excluded myself (and according to the screenshots I’ve seen, he is doing everything VERBATIM I suggested he do) but he has completely excluded her family and other close friends from the event.

He is planning on only having his “boys” and family present for the occasion, and knowing my friend this would ultimately break her heart not being able to share this moment with her loved ones.

I got heated and called him. At first he was dodging my questions, then just out right said “this is my proposal and I’ve spent enough time and money to choose how I do it, just be happy for your friend. It’s not like you’re not coming to the wedding.”

This INFURIATED me. And to make matters worse, I ran into her mom and dad at the grocery store and subtly asked if they knew of any possibility she was getting engaged.

They were unaware, and I know for a fact my friend has told him that he needs to ask her parents for their blessing (she’s somewhat traditional). I did not tell her parents, I ~covertly~ inquired if he had spoken to them yet about proposing since it’s been 5 years, like in a joking way.

My friend wears her heart on her sleeve, and I can predict how this event will go down when she sees all of his close friends and family and none of hers.

Considering her previous sentiments about his lack of interest in her family/life, she will 100% see this as being hurtful and selfish and I know she’ll cry. To make matters worse, the location of the proposal is a whopping 30 minutes from her parents home.

I don’t want to get involved in a fight or reveal the surprise, but on the other hand I feel I owe it to my life long friend to help her avoid being hurt and disappointed, maybe even helping her rethink what her future would look like with someone who just doesn’t really appreciate what she values in life. So, AITA if I tell my friend her boyfriend is going to propose?

What do you think? Does OP have an obligation to protect her friend? Or is this very much none of her business?

Reddit ruled YTA (you're the a-hole) and had a lot of advice for OP.

Old_Fee5808 says:

DO NOT TELL HER. As much as you know her and want this proposal to go as planned, it is ultimately up to her boyfriend how he wants to do it. If your friend is disappointed, then that can be her sign to discuss with her fiancé about moving forward. It is not your place to tell her or intervene at this point.

WaifuLoaf writes:

Yes, let the boyfriend stab himself in the foot with this. He's showing her his true colours and I have a feeling things won't go the way he plans with 'his' engagement. Hoping she dumps his selfish ass and finds someone that values her and her beliefs.

stealthdawg comments:

Although it sounds like this is going to be a train wreck, I do think that the bf has the right to make the proposal his own. He doesn’t have to do everything OP says just because his gf will like it. He’s part of the proposal too. That said, I’ll get my popcorn. I do think OP should tell her about the wedding comment afterward, regardless.

Darkalleyandabadidea suggests:

Don’t tell your friend. I completely understand why you want to but hear me out. Let this dude show his true colors. If you get in the middle you em seem petty and jealous. Let him propose his way and when your friend comes to you and complains you can kindly and gently tell her that you tried to get him to incorporate her friends/family.

Then you can gently ask her if she wants to spend the rest of her life with a man who doesn’t honor her wants/desires. I repeat JUST LET THIS PLAY ITSELF OUT. YWBTA (you would be the a-hole) if you interfere prior to the proposal.

_LlednarTwem_ brings up:

What worries me is he’ll be making this proposal while surrounding her with HIS friends and family and isolating her from her support system entirely. That just feels really disturbing to me, and makes “she can just say no” a bit less straightforward.

Infamous_Yogurt2858 points ouit:

TBH the fact that she's been with this guy for five years makes me wonder if the friend is more OK with some of this than OP realizes. Five years is a long time to completely hide these kinds of personality traits.

veni_vidi_dixi lays out another plan:

Ughh. I’m so sorry about this. I don’t think you should tell her. YWBTA if you ruin the surprise. However, this is a CYA (cover your ass) situation.

Write him a heartfelt letter about the proposal. You would be sending the email to him but really you’re writing to your friend—because this is the letter you want to show her AFTER the proposal so she knows exactly what kind of person she’s with.

Mention that you’re so happy he reached out to you to get her the ring she loves. It’s very important that you sound VERY supportive of their relationship—do not let even an ounce of frustration show. Emphasize how much her family means to her and how she’ll be absolutely heartbroken if they’re excluded. Tell him there’s time to fix it. Write it for your friend’s eyes.

Then when your friend comes crying to you and wonders if she should forgive him for ”not knowing” how important these things were to her, you can give her definitive proof that he did know and he didn’t care.

Whether OP takes these suggestions or not is to be determined. But she did take their ultimate message to heart.

OP added later:

The proposal is scheduled for this weekend, I will give you guys an update on how it goes. After so many responses, I have decided not to say anything and to let things play out. I gave him an opportunity by expressing the need to invite her parents and friends like she’s always wanted, and he chose not to - that’s on him, not me!