'AITA for asking my friend to break up with his GF so we can be together?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for asking my best friend to break up with his uneducated, unemployed girlfriend so we can be together?"
I know the title makes me seem like a b#$ch but I couldn't think of another way to summarize it in one go. We'll call him Dean and we'll call his GF Helen. Basically, I'm a university student, and interned at a marketing company over the last few Summers. Dean was my boss there and we became really close friends. Our friendship moved outside of work, and I no longer intern there at all.
The more we talked, the more I fell for him. He's incredible, hardworking successful, funny, the whole package. His girlfriend is not, imo. She's actually a loser. She's uneducated and unemployed. Helen dropped out of high school because of family problems.
Apparently her Mom has severe anxiety and depression, overdosed multiple times when Helen was a kid, and would have breakdowns threaten to hurt herself if she was left alone. So, Helen stayed home with her, and still does when necessary, because her father can't get retired. Over the years, Helen had admitted it's weighed on her own mental health, she sees a psychiatrist and takes medication.
She's developed her own irrational anxiety, she's had some jobs over the years (in the hours her Dad is home with her Mom from work), but would have screaming/ crying panic attacks while on the job. She has them at home sometimes too, at night. But she can calm herself down okay apparently. Subsequently, she's never finished school or held down a job. Dean and I have talked about it many times.
He insists she's doing her best, that she does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yardwork, etc...at her home. She gets a very small amount of money from her father for this weekly. She also does video game streaming and makes some money from that. Barely any, I think. They've been together for 5 years, and he's come to term with the fact she may never work or get educated (Dean has a marketing degree).
But he doesn't seem to care. He says he will provide financially, and he's okay with her being a SAHM someday, or even just a stay at home wife. I DM'd him asking him why he's even in love with her, how he fell in love with her, just why. I don't get it. He can do so much better. He said this: "I fell in love with her for many reasons.
"She's sweet, kind, cute, and she always sees the best in people even with everything that she's been through. I think she's funny, beautiful, intelligent and is always trying to do some good. I like that she's random, silly, quirky and passionate af, I like how competitive she is, because l'm competitive too. I like that she's athletic."
"I like how she cook things, top of the dome, without the need to google everything (like me). I love her giggle and I really love her smile. I like her singing voice and, well, all of her voices. I like her hugs and I love her kisses. I like when her fingers are in my hair. I like the things that she draws or makes from hand. I like it when she holds my hand. I like her taste in memes and I like her taste in music."
"I like her puns and her sense of humour. I really like her presence, and I like her dance moves and how good she is at everything. I like that she like to help people. I genuinely like the person that she is, always have. I admire her a lot and will always want her for myself."
I told him how I felt about him, how I'm in love with him, and that I wished she wasn't around. He said: "Well I'm lucky that she is. I don't know what I'd do without her."
I told him he's just comfortable, and he's staying with her cause it's been a long time.
That l've been at a place in my life where I thought I couldn't go on without certain people but I survived, and he would too. He said this: "Well, I don't want to. So I'd appreciate you not saying things like "I wish she wasn't in the picture". That's awful. If you cared at all about me then you'd say that I'm lucky to have her and respect that. Yenno?"
So, he adamantly won't leave her. And I don't understand why. With the little money she earns, she saves up to do some very special things for him. Got him a cameo from his favourite actress, took him to see his favourite sports team in the playoffs, got him a PS4, she's taking him to his favourite band this summer.
She also does "sweet" stuff for him like give him random cards, drawings, paintings, crap like that. I think maybe that's the real reason he stays with her, but I could do that stuff for him too. She's had years to do it. I'm studying hard. I work as a barista to get through school. love talking to him, I love spending time with him. He means the world to me. Does anyone have advice on how I can win him over?
I just want him for myself, 'm the better choice for him, he just doesn't realise it right now. What can I do here?
Edit: Some people think l'm s#$tposting. I'm not. Here's some of our DM's:
EDITORS NOTE: TRANSCRIPTS OF SCREENSHOTS
DEAN: How materialistic are you??
OP: Your really going to support some stupid b*tch the rest of your life? That's really insane.
DEAN: It's none of your business. Why'd you apologize if you're still going like this?
OP: Cause I don't think you realize how dumb what your choosing for yourself is
OP: She's not worth it
OP: You can have someone who is your equal
DEAN: Listen. I don't have to argue with you about who l'm going to marry lol. You want to talk? We can talk about anything you want except my relationship. Otherwise I won't be replying
OP: You looked out for me so I'm just looking out for you...
OP: I'm just being a good friend...
OP: She has no job though and I do
DEAN: Yeah. You're a real treat.
OP: At least I'm not a broke b$tch
DEAN: You work at a coffee shop and rent a room lol
OP: Yeah which is more than she does, isn't it?
DEAN: No actually. Call my gf b*tch one more time.
OP: Call them like I see them
OP: No one else would do that. Your still talking to me, you didn't give up
DEAN: Just trying to look out. Doesn't seem like you have anyone else. Anyone would do the same.
OP: Not any guy I've met before,
OP: I just wish she wasn't in the picture I guess.
DEAN: Well I'm lucky that she is. I don't know what I'd do without her.
OP: You'd go on like everyone else.
OP: There many people I thought I couldn't go on without but here I am.
OP: You would figure it out too
DEAN: Well, I don't want to. So I'd appreciate you not saying things like "I wish she wasn't in the picture". That's awful. If you cared at all about me then you'd say that l'm lucky to have her and respect that. Yenno?
(We were fighting here but we usually have a great relationship)
Unsurprisingly, Redditors had a lot to say in response.
woodfordreverse wrote:
Can't you just be FWB?
OP responded:
He doesn't want that. I've asked/sent nudes. He asked me to stop immediately or he would cut contact.
littlemidgeem wrote:
You asked for nudes from a guy in a happy relationship? And sent him some even though he has a gf? This is the easiest YTA we've had in at least a week!
schmavid wrote:
There's clearly something he sees in her that he doesn't see in you. You can't explain why people like who they like. If he's happy with her and the relationship then that's that. Your attempts to drive them apart with only drive your friend away from you.
OP responded:
He hasn't let himself see me in that light though. If he did, he would see I can offer him all she does, and more. He just thinks he's happy, love is blind, he had no idea what he's in right now because he's in so deep. If he could just wake up and realize, we could be a very happy life together in the future.
schmavid wrote:
What you think about any of this doesn't matter. It's what HE thinks. Move on.
OP responded:
Why can't I change the way he thinks l'm seeing it as an intervention for his dead end relationship. I just don't think anyone here is hearing me out. It seems bad on the surface but it isn't...
TooManyAnts wrote:
Link him to this post and he'll be able to see where you're coming from in a way that's clearer than text messages (which are short and impersonal). He'll see it with super clear eyes, and he'll probably even realize he needs to take the problem person out of his life. Your replies in particular will show him everything he hasn't realized.
OP responded:
So you agree she's a problem? Thank you. People in this post are judging me so hard and l'm trying to stand by myself because I know what I believe in here is what's right for me and him. l'm giving him some time to cool off but I'Il link it to him this weekend.
TooManyAnts wrote:
Might want to do it sooner than later, there's a decent chance this thread won't be around by the weekend. I'd be a little surprised if it made it to the end of today.
OP responded:
What do you mean? I don't think it'll be deleted? I'll send it to him now then and just tell him to open his eyes and have an open heart. Maybe he will come around. Thanks for being understanding unlike everyone else.
After receiving a lot of comments and criticism, OP shared a small update.
UPDATE: I decided to link him to this post as someone who commented recommended. Hopefully he'll get a better insight into where I'm at emotionally, and why.
And not long after, Dean responded, OP posted his response.
Dean's response:
L, you linked me to this post so I could understand you better and now I do. I love my girlfriend more than life in itself. l've been with her for five years for a reason. Not because of what she can offer me financially but because of who she is as a person. That's what matters to me. l'll work 3 jobs if it means keeping her.
For example, she once spent 2 hours travelling in the rain to bring my sick Mom some homemade soup. Money doesn't buy that kind of heart. I never told you that story because you would get emotional and angry with me for even bringing up my girlfriend.
I tried to be your friend because you seemed lonely, when we worked together, you said your roommates don't talk to you, and your family is back in your home country. We never had a future together. It's not even a possibility. I will protect that woman at all costs and it really hurts me to see you talking sh*t about her to strangers on the internet.
I hope you'll have the integrity to take this down. Maybe it's best we don't stay friends for now and see where things head. You sent me the link tho this thread, and then you immediately blocked me on Instagram? Why? I don't understand what you want from me at this point but it's no longer worth my energy. lf you're ready to grow up and respect my relationship, give me a call.
The internet had a lot to say in response, and OP quickly abandoned her own thread.
41flavorsandthensome wrote:
My face was like this as I scrolled: 😦 OP sounds like a girl I knew in college. She “fell in love” with her guy best friend and harassed him just like OP is doing. She cried for weeks when he ended the friendship. There’s no reasoning with people like this.
Starry_Gecko wrote:
It's funny to imagine OP as a college student, because she acts like she's still in high school.
green_chapstick wrote:
That dude is a solid 10, and the GF is an 11. GF is his PARTNER doing the things he can't but wishes he could, and she is willing to be a team player for those she loves. That's amazing. He's willing to also be a partner for her as well. It's freaking awesome. OP just sees a person for what they bring to the table financially, shallow, and materialistic. "I could do those things..." ha.
If she could do those things, she'd already be doing those things even as a friend. Wouldn't take much to text the GF. "How can I help you out? I have the time." Instead OP slides into his DMs hoping words are enough. What an AH.
deathbystereo007 wrote:
I still have my doubts as to whether she's figured out that the person who convinced her to send the post to Dean was playing her 😂
anitram96 wrote:
This was hard to read. Can't believe someone can be that delusional. Hopefully she leaves Dean alone after his reply.
The only thing left to say here is: yikes.