'My girlfriend has a secret conversation every morning and it’s making me crazy.' UPDATED 2X

"My girlfriend has a secret conversation every morning and it’s making me crazy."

My girlfriend (26f) and I (32m) have been dating for a few months. My work switched to full home working recently so I started staying over more and things have been great - apart from one issue. When I used to stay over and get up early for work my GF would stay in bed until after I left.

As soon as I started working from here she became an instant early riser, always getting up maybe twenty minutes before me. When she asked me about it she says she just likes “a quiet coffee” in the mornings. I got up early a couple of times, made fresh coffee and handed her a cup so we could enjoy it together but wherever I sit, she would go and sit elsewhere.

This has been really getting to me so I pressed the point and said it would be nice to sit together in the mornings. It didn’t go great and when I tried to sit with her the next day (I am seeing red even as I type this) she went in her office and locked the door behind her. She did this several days in a row last week and when I try to bring it up she says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Yesterday was my day off so I stayed in bed, waited till she got up for her ‘quiet coffee’ and I crept up to the office and as I suspected, she’s talking to someone. She was speaking very softly so I couldn’t make it out but it sounded like an intimate conversation. I’ve barely spoken to her since and don’t know what to say - how do you address this when she refuses to even speak about it?

What is she getting from another relationship when I am with her 24/7 the last two weeks? I do have a small camera I could put in her office, I know it’s wrong but this is driving me crazy and if I need to confront her it will be easier with all the evidence.

Redditors did not hold back on OP.

Exilicauda wrote:

Dude chill. Like seriously. You sound possessive and obsessive. "What is she getting from another relationship when I'm with her 24/7?" Is she not allowed to have friends? Why are you following her through the house when she is clearly saying she wants alone time? And then eavesdropping and considering setting up a camera!? Dude learn some boundaries.

Mandarinette wrote:

Putting a camera in her office is as creepy as it gets.

Stop smothering her.

TazeTake wrote:

Okay, seriously. You’ve been together for a few months. Back off. Maybe there’s things she’s not ready to talk to you about. My first thought was maybe she’s talking to a therapist and she’d want to be alone for it. Maybe she just needs time to herself in the morning for an actual quiet coffee and you need to give her space.

If you can’t be even slightly trusting then I’m afraid to say it’s not a relationship that will last.

Also the “seeing red” comment is really worrying. You sound toxic.

daughter-of-dragons wrote:

My first bit of advise would definitely be NOT to put the camera in her office- you said it yourself. It's wrong. That should be enough reason for you not to do it, regardless of your justifications. My second bit of advice would be to talk about it. You guys are both adults, you should be able to communicate.

If she's resistant to talking about it, then you need to be very firm about your needs and the reasons why you think this discussion needs to happen.

If she continues to resist and evade, then you should probably start thinking about possibly ending the relationship with her- not necessarily because of her 'secret conversations', but because clearly she's able to communicate with you in the way you want/need at this stage in life.

I do want to say, there are tons of reasons she could be off on her own in the mornings. I know lots of people who like to be alone as they start the day, and if this is the case with your girlfriend, then it's nothing personal and you should try and understand that.

Maybe she's talking to herself, maybe she really is on the phone with someone else- it's all speculation until she communicates with you and you guys have an adult conversation about this. (Planting a camera would NOT be an adult way to handle this, btw, so again, I really hope you drop that idea.)

Snooping around isn't going to make her want to be more forthcoming with you, and clearly not talking about it is going to drive you crazy. If you do everything you can to try and communicate, then the ball is in her court and the way she responds should tell you something about how she views your relationship. Hopefully it works out for you!

dothepingu wrote:

Do not spy on her! You have no idea what she is doing. She could be meditating, talking to a friend or a therapist, singing, or sure, she could be cheating on you. But don't ruin your relationship over something that could be nothing. I think a much better approach is to tell her honestly how you feel. Say "I overheard you talking in your office and I'm honestly worried you're cheating on me. Can we talk about this?"

A few days later, OP deleted that post, and reposted with more context:

I noticed recently that my girlfriend was avoiding me in the mornings, only for a short period of time but every single day and insisting she just wants a quiet coffee on her own. I happened to hear her talking to someone during one of these morning sessions and obviously wanted to know who she’s talking to every single morning.

Today when she got up and went to make coffee I took her mug and wouldn’t let her have it, I was only joking at first but it turned worse with her saying “Just give me my mug!” and I lost my temper and said “Just tell me who you’re f#$king cheating on me with!”

This is where I think I’m the AH maybe because it was some thing she’s been doing every day since her dad died almost a year ago, she talks to him every morning while she drinks her coffee. Just chats about her day or whatever. Obviously I backed off right away and sat down I told her it’s fine and she should keep doing it, I want her to and I just needed to know.

I just thought she was talking to some other guy. She shook her head and said it was just a silly thing and she couldn’t keep doing it now she had to talk about it. I don’t know why me knowing what she’s doing makes a difference and would have avoided this whole thing. She seemed sad but she was smiling so I went in the bedroom but just a minute later I heard her crying really, really hard.

I went back and she was saying he’s gone now, he’s really gone so I said are you talking about your dad and she just got up and ran out the door. She has not answered my texts and then about an hour ago her brother came to the door and called me a f#$king a$$hole and worse, I honestly thought he was going to hit me. He took some of her stuff and said she won’t be home tonight.

I never meant to upset her and it is not unreasonable to want to know who your partner is talking to every morning, I am sorry she got upset but am I really in the wrong here?

People let OP have it.

JoeyyB985 wrote:

YTA 100%. You let your insecurities get the best of you. Jealous guys often end up losing their partners because of a guy, and that guy is themselves.

StAlvis wrote:

YTA. Oh JFC, how am I not surprised:

"My GF (26F) and me (35M)"

godrestsinreason wrote:

YTA, you weren't joking dude. You acted like a child.

Lacroix24601 wrote:

YTA. god forbid your girlfriend has any expectation of privacy. How dare she.

Also, you weren’t joking. You went from 0 to 1,060 in a split second. You need to work on your issues and not take them out on your girlfriend.

iamthegreenestfield wrote:

YTA- You totally let jealousy get the better of you and lashed out at her without any knowledge of what was going on. People can go at it at very different ways, you can’t just yell at them. And when she was saying he’s gone, he’s really gone, your response was that?? Come on, man.

A week later, OP made a new update post.

My girlfriend and me had an argument last week over coffee of all things, it got out of hand and she went to stay somewhere else to cool off. Now she is only speaking to me through her brother who hates me anyway so I don’t have any chance to set things right. He is saying I need to move out in three days so she can come home but I have nowhere to go and can’t get a place of my own so fast.

I know if I could talk to her we could get past this but everything is going through him and I am sure he is twisting her words and mine to keep us apart. She has blocked me on everything and her phone is here so I can’t call or text her. What can I do to get past her brother who is trying to keep us apart? I need to set things straight or I’m going to be homeless.

EDIT: She has taken some leave from her job but her work phone and laptop are here so I could possibly use her job to convince her to speak with me.

Once more, the internet let him have it.

Greggs_VSausageRoll wrote:

"She has taken some leave from her job but her work phone and laptop are here so I could possibly use her job to convince her to speak with me."

What do you mean by this?

OP responded:

Just tell her they need to speak with her or something. I was genuinely looking for advice and hoping someone would suggest something. I’m not a bad guy.

Greggs_VSausageRoll responded:

Does she not have access to her phone and laptop?

OP responded:

They are in her office. Her personal phone is in there too although I think she has her tablet. I told her brother to take her phone and he said no, she’d get it when she’s home.

EDIT: what he actually said was to f**k off and stay out of his f**king way. I have no idea why I am trying to hide the kind of person he actually is. He has no reason to act this way towards me.

Alwaysmoredogs wrote:

Nope. Someone telling you to get out of their home that they own is not bullying you, and your attempt to play the victim is truly pathetic. She has the right to decide she doesn’t want to communicate with you directly and to use her brother as an intermediary, and he’s a great brother for helping her. Stop whining and start looking for a place to move to before the cops come to remove you.

OP responded:

Her brother is bullying though? Standing between two adults using his physical size to stop them from talking to each other. He is the one that has used a#*sive language, he is the one who is t%$^&ening to make someone homeless.

If I posted this from the other side “I am a landlord and I am using my brother to make someone homeless in three days and refusing to let them speak ” you guys would be all over it. How is this advice.

Alwaysmoredogs responded:

She’s not your landlord. She’s your (ex) girlfriend whose home you’ve been staying in for several weeks and mooching off. And he’s not stopping you from talking to your (ex) gf. She doesn’t want to talk to you (for extremely valid and rational reasons) so she’s asked her brother to act as an intermediary. He’s following her instructions.

Whether or not you end up homeless if frankly zero % her or his problem. You have no right to be in her home when you’re not wanted. You’re “bullying” her by refusing to leave just like you bullied her over the coffee incident that you’ve now tried to delete.

blondhairedsunfish wrote:

It seems like you think you have a right to tell her it isn’t over; you don’t. She does not want to hear from you right now. This is over the line. And mentioning her work stuff and how you can contact them is WAY over the line. You should tell the brother you are going to take some space and stay at a hotel, or a friends, or whatever you can get together.

Ask when you can get your stuff and put it in storage. As the home is under her name, I’m sure you won’t be expected to continue financially contributing; if you even are already?

OP responded:

I haven’t got anywhere else to go, I am not using homeless lightly. I have not been contributing so far as I am trying to deal with the lease on my old place but I was planning to very shortly. My girlfriend owns the house outright so I wasn’t shorting her by not contributing to rent or anything.

Alwaysmoredogs responded:

Just because she owns the house doesn’t mean you weren’t taking advantage living there not contributing to rent or bills. If you have a lease on your old place then go there. Frankly it’s not her problem where you go. Seems like your main objection is not that you genuinely want to save this relationship or care about her, it’s simply that you want to keep using her for a free place to live. Party’s over pal.

OP responded:

I broke the lease on my apartment so I can’t go back there. It is very hard to get anywhere here without a reference and I doubt I have enough for a deposit. Most of my money is tied up in various deals right now and I would take a big loss if I tried to pull it back.

Ok_Two868 wrote:

Quit crying to strangers and find somewhere to live. Its over.

OP responded:

I am genuinely looking for advice on how to get round her s**thead brother and make her listen to me. This is not a big argument and we can settle it easily I just need to talk to her! What am I meant to do just go oh f**k her brother says it over I’ll just pack my s**t and go live in a park?

OP also posted another separate comment clarifying some things:

We have been together a few months, I have been living here a few weeks due to a problem with the lease at my old place. One of the problems her brother has with me is because his friend’s dad owns my old building so it’s obviously nothing to do with me and his sister, he’s just being a d*ck. I don’t have a lot of stuff, probably a suitcase of clothes and a few other items.

I’ve not been able to collect my stuff from my old apartment. My big problem is having no access to a computer as I can’t do my job without that and I have been using a laptop here. I only have about $400 right now and another $70 in cash.

Alwaysmoredogs wrote:

Why do you think you have a right to live in her house that she owns when she doesn’t want you there? It’s hilariously ironic to me that you seem to be insinuating that her brother is controlling or manipulating her somehow, when actually that’s exactly what you yourself have been doing to her.

Do you not believe that she has clearly told him she wants nothing to do with you and wants him to help her get you out of her house? Do you think he’s just doing that off his own bat? You’re deluded.

OP responded:

If someone says you can stay and then suddenly decides you can’t then yes I think that is a problem. My girlfriend knows I will have nowhere else to go, her brother know this too.

Clearly, OP did not get the resounding support he was hoping for, and he seems pretty resistant to self-reflection.