Woman doesn't want BF to leave his four kids with her for a week, he calls her 'toxic.'

Blending families takes a lot of work. Even if you immediately connect with your partner's kids, there are still a lot of learning hurdles when it comes to how co-parenting looks, and what role you'll be taking. The only way a blended family can truly thrive, is if all parents involved are communicating clearly, and respecting each other's needs. Anything short of that, and there will be trouble in paradise.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for asking her boyfriend to have his three kids stay with their mom during the week he'll be gone. She wrote:

"AITA because I don't want my boyfriend to leave me with his 3 kids while he leaves for 10 days?"

My boyfriend (50) and myself (39) live together, have been together for a year and a half. I have one 4-year-old daughter, he has three kids that are here every other week, ages 7, 10, and 14. The 7-year-old and 10-year-old have behavioral issues, and ADHD. They are quite a handful for me, who's adjusting to life with 4 kids when they're over.

And I've had trouble bonding with them. I've caught the 10-year-old stealing from me a few times, and the 8-year-old is super hyperactive and needs consistent attention and he's super loud. Boyfriend just told me he's leaving on a 10-day work trip, and 5 of these days his kids will be here. He is leaving this coming week.

He hadn't asked if this was okay with me, he just told me this is what's happening. When I asked why I'm the last person to know, when I should be the first because I'll be watching his kids, he tells me referring to them as HIS and not OURS is toxic. He volunteered to be one of the guys that goes for this work trip, he's a general labourer. I'm dreading these 5 days watching all 4 kids.

It's an absolute madhouse and I'm still trying to adjust to this new life with 4 kids as we haven't lived together long. AITA for wanting his kids to stay at their mother's for those 5 days? Or for him to come home on the week they come?

Redditors did not hold back their thoughts on OP's boyfriend.

WebAcceptable7932 wrote:

NTA you aren’t their parent. They should stay with their mom those days if he’s out of town. This is something that should have been discussed.

Dittoheadforever wrote:

You're NTA.

"He tells me referring to them as HIS and not OURS is toxic."

A year and a half in, you aren't married, and his kids are now your kids? I doubt their mom agrees with that. He's just throwing around a buzzword to shut down your valid argument.

He is dumping his responsibility on you. And going back to his argument, I am willing to be that whenever you try to discipline those kids or lay down rules, they suddenly become his kids again, and you have no say in how they're handled.

2Whom_it_May_Concern wrote:

Don't let him do this. It sounds like he wants a live-in babysitter, not a partner. You haven't been together all that long. You aren't married. He is calling you toxic so he can place the blame on you for his behavior. You brought up a very valid concern and he spun it to paint you the AH. This should be considered a huge red flag. NTA.

walnutwithteeth wrote:

NTA. His custody time is for him to spend with his kids. They aren't coming over to see you (no offense). I can't imagine their mother would be thrilled with him dumping his responsibility on someone he's only been with for 18 months.

He needs to either speak to the kid's mother and shift his custody weeks, arrange alternative childcare, or tell work that he cannot attend due to having to parent his kids. He's a general labourer not a specialised engineer. They can easily find a replacement. Do not back down on this.

CharacterPayment8705 brought up a big point:

You’re not the AH but you have some serious decisions to make. If you don’t want to be a parent to his kids, he doesn’t want to prioritize communicating with you about their needs, and how to raise them: maybe this is not the right relationship for any of you. He did not let you know any of this was happening until the last minute.

You find his children challenging and don’t want to care for them. The adults need to rethink this whole living arrangement. If you and your boyfriend are not on the same page, the children will suffer for it.

And OP responded:

I agree. I try my best to treat them the same as my daughter. I just want to be truthful when I say I'm having a hard time dealing when I'm watching all 4, as time goes on I learn better ways to cope and its gotten a bit easier. I just think he should ask his children's mother first if they can stay there while he's gone...I think he just know she'll say no lol.

Clearly, OP is NTA here - this is a matter of communication between her BF and her.