Woman kicks out BF's sister for fat jokes and race jokes, he says 'you're overreacting.'

There's a big difference between a joke made with love, and an insult masked as a joke. Good friends can get away with teasing each other and even poking at insecurities so long as there's mutual trust and love.

However, when anyone less than a good friend hides behind the facade of 'jokes' in order to make disparaging comments, it doesn't sit well. In these situations, the mask of a joke can serve as a shield from accountability for hurt.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for kicking out her boyfriend's sister for making mean jokes about her.

She wrote:

AITA for kicking out my boyfriend’s sister after she kept making offensive jokes about me?

I told my boyfriend's sister that she’s not welcome in our home anymore because of her constant criticism and insults toward me. I'm 20 (F) and I live with my boyfriend in our apartment right now.

It took him awhile to introduce me to his family but once he did I hit it off really good with his mom and his sister, until the more we hung out, the more offensive jokes his sister would make about my appearance. It’s also important for me to note that I always found my boyfriend's relationship with his sister really weird.

When we would all hang out, she would sit on his lap, play with his hair, and compliment him an unnatural amount. It felt like I was third wheeling sometimes and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I never told my boyfriend because he’d call me crazy. I told myself that other people have different dynamics with their siblings and shrugged it off, I convinced myself it was normal.

A couple of nights ago she came over with her friend so the four of us could play poker and hang out. It was going fine until she started making those jokes again and acting really “pick me” with my boyfriend which is so weird, they’re related and it grossed me out. She made a random joke about there being some stuff on the floor because I couldn’t bend over to clean because of my stomach fat.

I managed to hold my tears in when I saw that my boyfriend tried not to laugh at it. I'm not plus size, I'm 130lb. An hour later we were casually discussing life and I told her and her friend that I went to a college that some people consider “low brow” because of the easy acceptance rate. She told me that shocked her and I asked what she meant.

She literally said “because you’re you know” and then pulled her eyes back. I’m Korean and I never thought I’d hear a joke like that after high school. It enraged me, I stood up and told her and her friend to shut up and stop laughing. My bf told me to calm down but this made me angrier.

I yelled at her and told her that she’s been hurting my feelings the whole time I’ve known her and that it needs to stop. She looked at me like I was crazy and told me she was just kidding, lighten up. I said it’s not funny if it’s at my expense. I screamed for them to get out because they kept making faces to each other acting like I was insane or something. She sort of cried a little and left while her friend comforted her.

Later on, I argued with my boyfriend because he said I went too far. We got over it and he’s not mad at me anymore but Im still annoyed with him because he never stood up for me once. I found out through him that his sister and his mom have been talking bad about me. I'm so upset.

I should’ve been the bigger person but I let my emotions get the best of me, I feel like a huge AH. I feel like I overreacted and should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

The comment section quickly filled up with people's theories.

Wooster182 wrote:

NTA but you need to get rid of the whole racist family. You want to have kids with a guy that’s going to let their aunt make racist gestures at them and call their mother fat?

And OP responded:

I have no idea where she got it from, maybe the mom but it’s weird because a big part of why I love my bf is because he’s very supportive and curious about my culture.

He encourages me to make certain meals and asks me questions about my culture, and has overall been very chill about me as a person, which I often use to dictate if I should date someone because being Korean is a big part of who I am. So I never saw an issue until now.

lbrownlbrown wrote:

NTA.

Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? A spineless boyfriend and his gross sister? Her behavior toward him ISN'T NORMAL.

OP clarified her feelings in a response:

No. But everything was okay before I met his family. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have.

The__Riker__Maneuver wrote:

Boyfriend. Let me be as clear as possible so you understand the seriousness of the situation. Your sister doesn't get to make fun of my appearance or say/do r*cist s%&t like doing slanty eyes. It's your job to tell her to knock that s#&t off. So if you are telling me that you are ok with your saying r*cist s#%t to your girlfriend then this is me telling you I no longer want to be your girlfriend.

YOU are going to apologize for not standing up for me. And your sister is going to apologize for being a bigot. And if I don't get both those apologies...then this relationship is going to be over.

I am going to stay with a friend for a couple of days. I suggest you spend that time figuring out what kind of human being you want to be because right now, I have never been more disappointed in someone than I am in you. NTA.

OP responded:

This is a really good one, it’s firm and it expresses how I feel. I wish I had the natural ability to be assertive like that. On a side note, it’s pretty much my apartment besides him paying rent sooo. Maybe he should stay at his sister's or something idk. Thank you.

LScore wrote:

Good lord, girl, don't date a r*cist. You know what they call a table with one loud racist and nine people who don't shut them up? A table with 10 r*cists. Silence is complicity. You're NTA for kicking her out, but your BF hasn't shown any signs of improvement or even apology, or understanding that he should be better. Ditch him, please.

ETA: I know breaking up with people is hard, but please don't settle. 'Only laughing at the fat joke' is absolutely not okay, especially when you aren't even fat. Your body and your race are part of who you are, and no one should make you feel ashamed of that. You are allowed to have your own self-respect, and him and his family not respecting that is his problem.

Plus, he still thinks his sister's desire-not-to-feel-like-an-a@#$ole is more important than your dignity. That's absolutely not okay. I hope you guys work it out, whether together or apart, because things are unacceptable as is.

After receiving lots of support, OP jumped on with an update:

Update: we broke up for now. We called it a break but I don’t think it is one. He literally refused to stand up for me and basically just called me crazy the whole time. When I brought up his sister he freaked out and refused to continue the conversation. I feel like a fkcn idiot.

It sounds like she made the tough but smart choice for her own wellbeing, both emotionally and physically.