'AITA for canceling a trip because my fiancée's ex and her baby are coming?' UPDATED

"AITAH for canceling a trip because my fiancée's ex and her baby are coming?"

I ( f , 32) have been with Kyle ( m , 37) for 2.5 years. We got engaged 6 months ago. Kyle has been divorced for over 5 years ago . He was married to Elena ( F, 37). They have a son, Greyson ( M, 8).

Elena has a toddler from a guy she met after her divorce and dated briefly Ella (2.5 ,f). Greyson is a wonderful little kid. He has his room in our house and he Is so loved by all of us. Kyle and elena are good friends and coparenting. Great.

The problem I have is she is everywhere ! Beside the holidays and birthdays which I understand ( Christmas , Greyson birthday , thanksgiving), Elena and her Baby are pretty much invited to any family functions such as Kyle’s birthday , Kyle’s parents anniversary, my birthday ( yes ! Kyle invited her to my birthday) , our camping trips,..).

I have talked to Kyle many times but he thinks I’m being insecure for no reason and making a big deal about nothing ! I booked a trip to Mexico for January for me, Kyle and Greyson.

Kyle told Elena that on the last week of January we will have Greyson for extra week since he is coming with us to Mexico . Apparently Elena managed to ask him about our trip dates , details .

I saw on Facebook she was posting about swimsuit shopping for her upcoming trip . Kyle texted her and asked Her if she is going somewhere that week too . She said she researched our hotel and “I took advantage of the same deal as you guys ! So I guess we will see you there haha”.

I told Kyle then we are cancelling the trip/ he said he can’t because tickets are non refundable! I told him then I’m not going ! I want for once have a family vacation without his ex wife ! I want a family vacation without his ex-wife, but Kyle thinks there's nothing we can do now. We need to address this for future plans and be more clear about boundaries.

Here's how commenters weighed in on OP's first post.

boredathome1962

NTA. There's good co-parenting, and there's this. It's nice that they are friends, that they, and you, are great with Greyson. But you not getting any alone time will drive you apart. And Elena is revelling in it.

Elena is a single mom, and probably wants to get back with Kyle... This isn't right, your BF is not looking after you properly, he needs to buck up, or this will not work for you and Kyle.

Simitarx005

I’m not sure why you want to stay in this very bizarre relationship. He invited her to your BIRTHDAY. So many red flags. I’m not sure which of you or him are the most clueless. I’m betting on you. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Time to move on and find a man who is for you and your little group. I’m surprised that you have lasted this long being the side piece.

OP:

Yes because we are on friendly term apparently he thinks we are friends . So of course she should be invited .. eye roll

bdayqueen

NTA - I'd tap out of this relationship when he invited her to YOUR birthday!! That's some BS. Either she changes her plans or you cancel yours and break up with him.

RaymondBeaumont

Just so you know, he invited her.

TwoBionicknees

I would bet he did, but even if she invited herself... the fact that he refuses to do anything about it has the same effect. He will not stand up for his fiancee, he will let his ex do whatever she wants.

But yeah my guess is he wants her there. A very very charitable explanation is he wants on site babysitting so they can have more time alone. I also made that sentence ambiguous, because I'm not sure who he wants there as babysitter and who he wants to sneak more alone time with.

Casper13

She's treating him as her boyfriend. I bet he still does small jobs for her....they may not be having sex but they have more than a friendship/parenting together.

Why does he want her at all events? Because he still sees her a some form of female that need a him. He subconsciously enjoys that she needs him.

OP

“Because we are still best friends “.. I’m best friend with my brother do you see me inviting him everywhere?! Hell no ! Everytime I bring this subject up he thinks I’m over reacting

Soon enough, OP returned with a dramatic update.

First of all, thank you for every single comment. I read all of them. Kyle came home late last night since he was working on a project with his coworker. He saw me awake and got surprised and asked, "Is everything okay?"

I said, "We need to talk." I basically told him that either he tells Elena to cancel her trip and establishes boundaries, or we are done. He said, "Oh my god, are you still on this?" I said, "I'll talk to her for future events, let it go, for F**'s sake."

I said, "No! This has been my life since we met! She and her baby are always in my hair. I get upset, you convince me to let it go this time, then it happens again." I reminded him that last June we hosted Elena’s baby’s birthday at our backyard (and paid for and did everything, and you told me to let it go).

Where is the limit? Will she be invited to our wedding and be in the bridal party? Will she be at our honeymoon? Will she be at the delivery room when I give birth? He said, "We are both tired, why don’t we talk tomorrow?"

I told him I can’t wait until then. "Will you ask Elena to cancel her trip and tell her about my boundaries?" He said, "I can’t make her do anything as she is no longer my wife! I can tell her you don’t like her and you can’t stand her. Happy?"

I said, "I don’t feel like I’m ever gonna be your wife. She is more your wife than I’ll ever be. She just doesn’t like to put out so you got me for that! That’s how I feel. I feel so unloved. If we break up and Elena takes you back, would you get back together with her?"

He said, "Stop! You know how much I love you! Why are you saying these nonsense?" I asked again and again. He said, "What do you want me to say? That if I’m single will I work things out with Elena? I guess." I got my answer.

I gave him the ring and said, "I’ll leave tomorrow morning." He said, "WHAT? Are you serious? What is going on tonight?" He started saying how we were gonna get married and have babies (he knows I left my previous boyfriend because he didn’t wanna get married), and he begged me to not leave before holidays.

He suggested staying and starting counseling in January. I told him, "I really don’t have energy or time for this." He started crying. I was awake all night crying on and off.

In the morning, he made me breakfast and hugged me (so uncomfortable!) and said, "Please don’t end it permanently. Let’s be in touch and work on our relationship." I told him, "No! I just can’t, sorry."

Again, he cried and left for work. I talked to my brother in the morning, and he and his girlfriend will let me stay with them until I find my place. I wrapped the Christmas gifts (for Greyson mostly and him) and left them under the tree so they can open them on Christmas morning (he asked if I'd at least join them for Christmas morning; I said no!).

As for the tickets (they were on my credit card), I’ll call Air Canada today to see if I can transfer them to my brother and his girlfriend. I’m so grateful for letting me stay at their place.

Here's how the commenters reacted to the news.

Louluthekitty

Sorry commenting again, but he legit wanted to paint you as the bad guy and say you didn’t like her instead of telling her that she was over stepping. Damn, OP.

I’m calling it now, he’ll get back together with her. Heal yourself from this relationship, so you’ll never accept crumbs for a relationship. ❤️

OP

That’s what hit me the most ! I’m gonna tell her you hate her and cannot stand her instead of telling her that I’m his future wife and respect her boundaries . Throwing me in front of the bus

Avlonnic2

O.M.G. I am so thrilled you nailed this before a wedding or a pregnancy. You were, indeed, just going to be third-wheeling in their prefab world. You deserve better. Go get it!

CapeOfBees

Damn, he's been stringing you along big time. Congratulations on getting out before you tied the knot! The fact that he wouldn't even say no to "will she be at our honeymoon" and "will she be in the delivery room when I give birth" is so incredibly telling about the kind of AH he is.

StardustStuffing

I've been in a relationship with someone like this. Wasted 4 years of my life. You'll never be first. They gaslight you and string you along ... forever.

Glad you left him. Don't look back. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking you're overreacting.