'AITA for secretly hanging out with my ex while my fiancée hangs out with her ex?' UPDATED
"AITA for not telling my fiancé where I go on Sundays?"
Here's the original post:
So super weird situation and need a judgement. I (32M) have been engaged to Amanda (34F) for about a year, we dated for 3. She has a 12 year old daughter named Alexis. Me and Alexis have a good relationship. Me, Amanda and her ex all have a good relationship for the most part. I’m totally comfortable with my role. So Amanda, her ex and Alexis have this weird thing they do.
They all get together on Sundays and hangout the three of them. I guess it started as a family tradition and then once they divorced they kept it going. They make breakfast, watch movies and just hang around all day together. I find it really weird tbh. Like I’m not insecure about it, but why you would want to spend a day a week with your ex is beyond me.
I said how weird I found this when we started dating but Amanda said that Alexis looks forward to it weekly so she never stopped it. So at first I would just hang in our room or the basement all Sunday. But I got tired of being trapped in my own house so I started leaving the whole day. Amanda would never ask where I was going or anything. Wouldn’t even notice I was gone.
So at first I was golfing or getting errands done. Or would find a bar. But then I reconnected with my old friend Bella. Bella and me dated 5 years ago and have remained good friends since. She just broke up with her husband and moved into a new apartment.
I told her one Sunday that I was just planning on going to the movies and she instead invited me over. We smoked some weed, watched some movies, cooked and just hung out. It was nice and ever since it’s become my weekly tradition. Whenever Sunday would come I’d head over to Bella’s and we’d just hangout all day.
I didn’t see the need to bring up to Amanda where I was going. She never asked or even wondered where I was every Sunday. So yesterday Bella stopped by our house to drop off my phone charger because I left it at her place. Amanda asked why Bella had my phone charger. And I told her that it’s where I was on Sunday. She asked why I was there and I told her that was my Sunday hangout spot.
She flipped out. Saying how rude it was to not let her know I was hanging out with an ex. I laughed and said “do you really not see the irony with that statement”. She said it’s different because she was forthcoming about her/ex’s relationship and that if I had an issue with it then I should have said so. I said I did already bring it up and that she said it was important to her daughter.
Was I supposed to interfere with the highlight of her daughters week in order to make myself feel better? No I’ll just sneak out the back door and head to my friends house. And that I didn’t see why this was even an issue at all. We trust each other and are adults. Amanda doesn’t want me over there anymore and said she wants me to find another way to spend my Sundays.
I said then I don’t want your ex over here on Sundays anymore if that’s how we’re playing this. AITA?
What do you think? Is he being an AH? Or ia all fair in love and war? This is what top commenters had to say:
Aw_bull_nuts said:
You had us in the first half. But man. So many red flags in the second half. 100% YTA. Hanging with an ex and keeping it a secret? That alone makes you an AH.
shyfidelity said:
"but why you would want to spend a day a week with your ex is beyond me." YTA lol
MuchPreferPets said:
ESH. Why did you feel the need to hide in your own house rather than hanging out with them, doing projects around the house, etc? Personally I’d be livid about be kicked out of my space every single weekend, but you also clearly are using Bella to get a dig in at Amanda.
AccessibleBeige said:
YTA. Amanda and her ex have a child together. You and Bella do not. Do you really not see the difference? They're spending time with their kid who still needs them, meanwhile you're off having what sounds like an emotional affair.
AdDramatic522 said:
I know I'm going to be downvoted, but I dont care. People can coparent just fine without devoting an entire day to pretending they aren't split up.This whole arrangement screams of still being a happy little family minus the fiance.
Should have he told his fiance he was hanging out with another chick? Yeah. I personally dont think she gets a vote in what he does though. I think it's a situation of pot meeting kettle. I personally wouldnt have put up with their little Sunday Sham for even a minute.
chonkosaurusrexx said:
YTA. It almost seems like you did this on purpose to get back at her. Like you thought this was a gotcha, you dont like me hanging out with an ex? Well so are you so now you're a hypocrit if you dont like me doing it, so if I have to stop so do you! What you forget is context. They do this because its important to their daughter, its something she looks forward to.
They never hid or just so happened to not inform you, you knew all along that this was going on and if it was a deal breaker for you you had that choise. You are hanging out with an ex getting high all sunday for you and yourself, without informing your fiance so she could make an informed desition if this is a deal breaker for her or not.
Verdict: YTA.
He later shared this half-update on the situation:
Some sh!t has already hit the fan with the whole situation. I’ve put my foot down and said I’m not being forced out of my house anymore. That they can do Sunday funday at her ex’s place moving forward. I’ll post a complete update when I can. I did want to clarify that the reason I don’t hang out with them is that I was asked not to at first.
Then I always felt awkward about the whole thing. So at first I stayed away because I was asked, then I felt like the fourth wheel so I decided to quit trying. Bella has really helped because she went through something similar with her SO.
Stay tuned!