'Am I wrong for not supporting my wife's surrogate pregnancy?' UPDATED 2X
"Am I wrong for not supporting my wife's surrogate pregnancy?"
Conscious-Formal7723
My wife and I have been married for about 3 years. Together for 5. She has a 16 year old daughter she gave birth to when she was a teen, but we both decided we won't have children her and I.
My wife's best friend asked her to surrogate for him and his husband, and she agreed. I opposed to this, but she told me to deal with it. I told her fine, but don't expect any help from me.
Now, she's uncomfortable being pregnant, she feels nauseous, tired, and sore. I still do the thing I would do if she wasn't pregnant, but when she complains about cravings, or needing something from the store for her pregnancy, I tell her to call her best friend. Her best friend and his husband are calling me an asshole, but I remind them that isn't my baby, and not my responsibility.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Lanky_Ground_309
I don't see a marriage climbing back from this hole.
BlazingSunflowerland
It's such a huge lack of respect on the part of the wife toward the OP. Her friend trumped her husband. You don't come back from that.
BebeCakesMama2424
That is their baby, they should be helping her primarily. I don’t think you’re wrong especially since you didn’t agree to this pregnancy, this is their responsibility.
Satori2155
NW. But Why are you even still married to her?
"Update: Am I wrong for not supporting my wife's surrogate pregnancy?"
Conscious-Formal7723
Hello everyone, my wife and I had a talk, and agreed on a few things. She says she's sorry for making this decision despite my objections. We had a lengthy heart to heart about this.
We agreed that we would go to marriage counseling after the pregnancy is done, and she's had some time to recover. We also agreed that she should live with her best friend and his husband for the time of the surrogacy. We talked to them and they both agreed to it.
Her daughter, (my step daughter) said she wanted to stay in our current home, she doesn't feel comfortable intruding into someone else's home. So she's staying with me at our home. My wife VERY rarely apologizes. I dont want to give up on this marriage, so I'm willing to work through this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
VictoryShaft
INFO: I read through the comments of the last post before asking, to make sure it hasn't been answered. What method of fertilization did they use to impregnate your wife? IVF? Is there a contract in place to handle the birth and care of this child?
BlazingSunflowerland
I hope it's IVF with a donor egg but if it isn't I hope nothing goes wrong with the friends. If the wife is the bio mother the state will come after her for child support if the guys, for any reason, can't support the child.
Fun_Concentrate_7844
This isn't going to end well.
Beneficial_Syrup_869
How far along is she? This doesn’t seem healthy for your marriage, especially if she is in the first trimester. Months apart while you’re in charge of your stepdaughter?Why can’t you start marriage counseling now virtually? She apologized but is now running away to be babied by her friends while you’re home alone with her daughter…
The OP responded here:
Conscious-Formal7723
"How far along is she?"
About 6 months in.
"Months apart while you’re in charge of your stepdaughter?"
We're not gonna not see each other for all those months. She'll primarily stay at her friends to make sure that her and the baby are comfortable. We also discussed that if her or her friends don't feel comfortable, she will move back in and we'll figure something else out.
Also, my stepdaughter is pretty independent and responsible. She's 16, so it's not like I'm taking care of a baby. And we agreed that my stepdaughter can see her mom at any time if she needs to.
BlazingSunflowerland
Your wife put her friends ahead of you and ahead of her own daughter. She has a daughter who needs her but is going to go live with her friends. Thanks for providing stability for her daughter. It must suck to realize your mom doesn't value you very highly
"Update: Am I wrong for not supporting my wife's surrogacy?"
Conscious-Formal7723
She gave birth. Thankfully, there were no complications. My wife is still recovering, but the doctors say both her and the baby are good. Something my wife and I decided to do is to do marriage counseling before she gave birth, even though the original plan was to wait till she gave birth, we both started to really miss each other while she was with her friends.
But we know there was tension between us. It took a while for us to find a therapist whom we both felt like he could deal with our unique situation. We did find someone we both really liked.
We talked about how we felt, and how we need to make major decisions together, and take the other person's feeling into consideration. We're still gonna go to more sessions, but we're gonna wait until my wife feels better. She's back home by the way. Her friends have covered all of the legal and medical expenses. They also insisted on paying my wife for what she's done for them.
My wife has promised me she won't ever make a decision like this without me. I'm currently taking care of her. I know what I said, but I still love my wife, and I don't like seeing her so tired. I think we're in a good place for now. I don't feel frustrated or resentful, and my wife has been really sweet.
One last thing. Some of y'all really tried to hammer in "SHE HAD ANOTHER MAN'S BABY" as if she promised me to have my baby. I don't see my wife as an incubator. I don't even want children of my own. Don't make it sound like she cheated on me. She didn't.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
Apprehensive_Pie4940
Wife got what she wanted anyway, so obviously she can make all the promises she wants.
Petitebourgeoisie1
That’s exactly it. Mighty convenient that she now wants to resolve and move on when she got what she wanted. She can claim she’s taking the right steps and making amends when she doesn’t really seem she’s even sorry for it.
lovinglifeatmyage
So everyone got what they wanted except for you. Your wife literally gambled her marriage on this and she won. I wish I had her luck.
BigGrandpaGunther
Damn dude, I would have left her instantly.
BackFromTheDeadSoon
All you've done is teach her that she can do whatever she wants, and you'll forgive her and pamper her for doing so. You are so royally screwed.
Misommar1246
Think he likes being second fiddle. I mean I can’t explain it any other way. Imagine how little self respect you have to have to bend over to your wife railroading you like this, to take care of her when she went and got pregnant against your wishes. I wouldn’t respect a guy like this either tbh, the wife has his full measure, she pinky promised after getting exactly what she wanted so that’s fantastic news for him.