'WIBTA If I asked my daughter's father not to bring the mother of his child to her birthday?' UPDATED
"WIBTA If I asked the father of my child to not invite the other mother of his child to my daughter's birthday?"
Powerful_Force3484
It’s my daughter's birthday next month and we and arranging a soft play party for her, this is only going to be a small party with our closest family and friends (total 8 children and roughly 11 adults)
My daughter's father (we will call him Nico) and I broke up before I found out I was pregnant, we were still quite young and had different things we wanted to do/ achieve and therefore decided to go our separate ways.
There were no hard feelings and we parted on very good terms. Two months after we separated I found out I was pregnant and let him know he was surprisingly happy about the pregnancy and has since been a wonderful dad and a great friend.
We both decided to co-parent and that we would work to make sure we had a healthy friendship to ensure our daughter had both parents and a healthy and positive environment to grow up in. This has worked very well for us so far.
Around 2 years ago Nico had a one night stand with a woman (we will call her Emma) and she fell pregnant also, he did say to her that he didn’t want anymore children but he would support her with what ever she chose. She chose to keep the baby and he has supported her with child support and spends time with the baby regularly.
Unfortunately they have had a few issues working out a co-parenting dynamic. She was not happy that he did not want a romantic relationship with her, which she said had ruined the chance for her to have the family unit she always dreamed of.
As as result she refuses to let him take the baby anywhere without her being present (e.g if he wants to her to see family which is only around a 15 minute drive from her house she has to be there ect)
This has made for some very awkward and uncomfortable encounters for me, as I am usually invited to such events due to my close relationship with all of Nico’s family. I would not mind her being there under normal circumstance. However, she constantly makes snarky comments towards me and tries to play mum to daughter right in front of me.
Obviously Nico would like to have both of his children at our daughters birthday party however Emma has advised she will also need to come and will be bringing her 3 nieces and 4 nephews(which neither of us have ever met)
I don’t want to make anything more difficult for Nico however I want to be able to give my daughter a great birthday with out the tense atmosphere that comes with having Emma around.
I also don’t feel it’s fair for me to have to be uncomfortable in my home due to all of this. I have asked a few of my friends about this and they are split some saying I will be the asshole and some agree we me. WIBTA?
The OP provided an update the same day:
As per my previous comment Nico wasn’t aware of this as she had messaged me directly late last night and I wanted to get a different perspective before having a serious sit down with him as I this was close to my final straw in a long line for problems relating to Emma.
Before I get into what’s gone on today I would like to provide a few response to common things mentioned in the comments. With regards to him taking her to court.
This is something he has considered and kept documentation of everything happening for however he wanted to try and make it work outside of having to get lawyers involved ( both me and his family agree he should have done this long ago however it was his problem and decision to make)
Nico did have a vasectomy not long before the ONS with Emma which obviously failed (I agree extra precaution could have been made however it is also not down to me)- he has not been with her since and does not see her one on one due to how she has acted since.
So when he sees his daughter there is always a third party there whether that is his parents or hers ect. Me and Emma do not usually have contact out side of events we are both invited to and I generally steer clear of her even then. She is actually blocked on all social platforms and does not have my number due to the verbal abuse shes threw at me through out her pregnancy.
I was not involved in her pregnancy in any shape or form however she was obviously not included in Nicos family functions until the baby was born. She usually makes new accounts to send me messages like the one yesterday which I just screenshot and ignore.
So for the update: I called Nico over to the main house this morning. We both live on the same property, me and my daughter live in the main house and Nico lives in a smaller house on the property.
I showed him both the message from Emma and this post/ comments before anything. He did completely agree with many of the comments and thankfully didn’t mind me posting here for advice.
We did have a great chat where I made my boundaries very clear with regards to wanting no further contact with Emma, I also advise I have absolutely no problem with his other daughter and she is always welcome without Emma.
I made it very clear that I would never give him any ultimatums regarding our daughter but he can’t keep letting Emma walk all over him, it is not fair on anyone in the situation least of all the child.
He did also call his uncle for recommendations on a family law attorney as his uncle owns a firm however he specialises in environmental law. Nico did show that he had been keeping a record of everything that had happened over the year and a bit so there isn’t any other ways she can spin the situation.
Nico also arranged a meeting with both his parents, Emma’s mother and myself for around lunch time. I had advised that I don’t feel that I should be included however he asked me to join as a lot of the problems that have arisen are due to her hate towards me.
He didn’t inform Emma everyone would be attending so she would show up and also asked her to leave the baby with one of her sisters. She did show up dressed to the nines and was visibly angry when she realised that he did not want to spend time with her alone.
Once she realised everyone was there, she masked her annoyance and greeted all of the parents warmly. When we all sat down, Nico started by telling her the message she sent me last night was completely unacceptable and would not under any circumstance be happening.
He advised that he has done everything he can to try and make the best of the situation but he can’t do it anymore. He made her aware of his intentions to speak with a lawyer to have an official agreement for everything relating to the child in place.
She did try to argue this but her mother told her to let him finish. He advised he would still pay the child support he has been (double the recommended amount) but he will be having visitation with just his child and not her. He said the way she has been acting has been outrageous and he should have done this at the very beginning.
Interestingly her mother was unaware of pretty much everything she had been and was very unhappy with Emma. She also provided us with some information that none of us were aware of.
When Emma had the ONS with Nico she was actually in a long term relationship with her partner (5 years) they had been doing long distance for 8 months at the time due to him caring for his mother in another country.
When Emma had found out she was pregnant she visited him in an attempt to pass the child off as his however realised she wouldn’t get away with it due to the different ethnicity between the both men.
Her boyfriend had broken up with her and this essentially lead to her clinging onto Nico. Her mother was appalled by everything that has been going on and told Emma that she was disappointed in her and that she clearly needed to seek therapy and none of this is normal or acceptable.
This is getting quite long so I will try and cut it down a bit, the outcome of the meeting was that moving forward Emma will not be present at any gatherings/ visits Nico has with his daughter, her mother will do pick ups/drop offs to ensure that she stays away.
They have set days for each parent and this will all be put in an agreement that will be signed by them both. If it is not upheld he will then take her to court. Emma did apologise for everything she had being putting us through and agreed to do therapy but time will tell if that is genuine.
I just want to thank you all of your comments I think it gave Nico the kick he needed to stand up and put a stop to it all and hopefully things will improve moving forward.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
well_this_is_dumb
I'm glad...but he should still go to court and make this all legal, so if she tries to take the child in the future he has a legal leg to stand on. Just leaving it like this and trusting her is leaving himself open to be screwed when it comes to his relationship with his child.
jasemina8487
Nico should get a paternity test before anything.
Surely vasectomy can fail, but given how she is, its better safe than sorry.
Forever_Overthinking
Yeah... Emma's kid isn't Nico's.
EDIT: I know pregnancy can happen post-snip. It's rare, but it happens. I just think the odds of Emma cheating is higher. Since we already know she's a cheater.
HIMLeo3
The fact that Emma's mother is unaware of all this and that info about the other partner leads me to think Nico should get a DNA test before paying anymore money.
EngineeringWeak4961
Am I the only one curious about the main house/property thing? So Nico stays on a property owned by OP? It’s an interesting living situation and I can see the benefits.