Man won't let fiancée's gay best friend be her 'groomsman of honor' because he was her 'first.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancée not to invite her best friend to our wedding?"
StephenIsAwesome5432
I (M, 32), and my fiancee (F, 27) met 3 years ago and immediately hit it off. We very rarely argue and have had a very healthy and vibrant relationship. I proposed to her about 6 months ago and she said yes, she has slowly been putting together arrangements since then. This is where her best friend (M, 27) comes in.
They were best friends in middle and high school and have remained very tight since then. We'll call him Leonard, Leonard has been a gay man for as long as I've known him and also has a long term partner too, let's call him George. This is where things get a bit weird.
My fiancée told me a few days ago that she had something to tell me, turns out that during high school she and Leonard experimented together and that he was actually her first. It was this event that supposedly allowed him to realise he didn't like women and accept his homosexuality soon after.
I knew that she'd had several partners before me - that isn't an issue, the issue is that she has such a close friendship to this day with one of them and that she didn't disclose this to me sooner. She told me she wanted to be clean with me about this before our wedding and that she intends to have him serve as her "groomsman of honor."
I told her absolutely no way in h3ll. I will not have someone she has been intimate with at our wedding and the fact she didn't disclose this long ago feels like an enormous betrayal.
Leonard's partner George was also unaware, for the record. It has now become a battlefield and both George and I are demanding that Leonard and my fiancée create boundaries and distance. George also agrees that I am being very reasonable in not allowing Leonard to attend my wedding.
My mother thinks I'm overreacting and says that people experiment in high school, that they've had a platonic friendship for many more years than a romantic one, and so I should get over it basically. My dad is as usual sitting on the fence to avoid ruffling feathers. She doesn't have parents I can consult about this, but her elder sister agrees with me 100%.
I have given my wife an ultimatum: distance yourself and create boundaries with Leonard, or lose me. These two have had sleepovers, held hands as "friends", and gone on dinners alone together whilst we've been dating. Had I known about the fact that they had, had this relationship there is no shot I would have allowed any of this. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ornery-Octopus
"I told her absolutely no way in hell. I will not have someone she has been intimate with at our wedding and the fact she didn't disclose this long ago feels like an enormous betrayal." Then end the relationship. She shouldn’t have to apologize for who she slept with ten years ago. It’s absolutely none of your business and she never should have told you.
"Leonard's partner George was also unaware for the record. It has now become a battlefield and both George and I are demanding that Leonard and my fiancee create boundaries and distance." How utterly small of you. How utterly insecure. The both of you could f*ck right off if this were my life. They’ll be better off without you.
"I have given my wife an ultimatum: distance yourself and create boundaries with Leonard, or lose me" M’kay. Buh bye then.
"These two have had sleepovers, held hands as "friends", and gone on dinners alone together whilst we've been dating." 😱😱😱😱😱😱 Who cares? All of that is completely normal for a long friendship.
"Had I known about the fact that they had, had this relationship there is no shot I would have allowed any of this." Oh, you wouldn’t have allowed it? Really. Maybe she didn’t tell you because you come off as an insane control freak. Enormous YTA.
LowBalance4404
My favorite part was that he wouldn't "allow" this. haha
Ornery-Octopus
I‘m horrified at all the NTA votes. People who can’t deal with their partners having a past don’t belong in relationships. In my opinion being friendly with an ex is a very good thing. It shows maturity and strength. I would avoid anyone who hates someone tha they once loved.
This wasn’t even an ex. This was very likely two people who loved and trusted each other enough to explore the sexuality of someone who was questioning. I think OP’s girlfriend gave Leonard an incredible gift.
There is like zero risk that they’re going to jump into the sack together again. They-both need to ditch the toxic. Yeah, OP “won’t allow“. The balls on this guy.
whorl-
YTA. She isn’t your possession or a doll. She is a human being with relationships that matter and are important beyond you. YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES!!! Get over this.
Wonderful_Snow4583
YTA. Leonard and your fiancé experimented one time when they were teenagers like what, 12 years ago? Get over it. He’s literally gay, he’s not a “threat” to steal your wife. Are you just mad that he took her virginity? Or that a gay guy took her virginity? Like what exactly bothers you so much about this?
What an incredibly cruel thing to ask of your soon to be wife to get rid of her best friend for no actual reason other than your hurt pride. I hope she realizes how selfish you are and reconsiders her marriage with you.
The OP responded with a small edit here:
StephenIsAwesome5432
EDIT: The comments are overwhelming but I'm going to read them all and seriously consider them. I don't want to hurt my fiancee and I don't want to jeopradize our marriage. Obviously regardless of what happens another conversation needs to happen when we are both calmer.