Woman calls fiancé's relationship with bandmate 'inappropriately romantic.' UPDATED 4X
"I am uncomfortable with the relationship between my fiancé and his best friend/ bandmate - New Update 10 months later"
ThrowRA62946294
I've been with my fiance Joe for a couple of years now. We have a great relationship - he's funny and talented and we have a lot of fun together but there's always been one big issue: Natalie. Joe and Nat are really, really close friends.
It borders on unhealthy codependency for SURE. When we met they were living together too, but she was out of the country so I didn't meet her until we'd been together a couple months.
They also work together (artists/musicians). When we started dating, Joe gave me a disclaimer about them and their close relationship but I didn't really know what I was getting into.
Once I met her I understood it. She's the prettiest person I've ever seen in my life. I heard a lot about her but no one told me she looked like a supermodel. It was jarring too because Joe is just average.
They started writing music again together and performing which meant a lot of time alone. I also was under the impression that their "band" involved multiple people, but it's JUST the two of them. Natalie always invited me for practice and whatnot but tbh being around them made me feel like a third wheel.
Then I saw them perform and for some reason they decided to cover this song which felt like a slap in the face to me? Especially given the context of the movie. It's NOT even their genre. And I was extra upset because there's that line "you can always come in my backdoor" and she even bent over and gave a lil wink and it made me so mad.
Joe like laughed it off and said the song was funny and gets a good crowd response. And also they're AFFECTIONATE. I mean they're not kissing each other but always close.
Well anyway she ended up traveling a lot for a long period of time for some good career opportunity. I had to talk Joe out of joining her and things got a lot better with us. We even got engaged and it was great!
Then for xmas we went to his home country so I could meet his family and things went sideways as all heck, first off... Nat was in EVERY family photo. Going back YEARS!
Then his mom was asking about Nat and later saying she was going to be out to visit next week. Joe had a bit too much to drink at this point and got emotional about that saying he wished he would have known because he would have changed OUR plans.
I pulled him aside and told him I wasn't comfortable with how intertwined she was with his family, especially if we were going to get married. I asked if something could be done about that, and he LAUGHED in my face and told me that I could be the one to try to bring that up with his mom. So, I did. And his mom looked at me like I slapped her, and then the whole family got upset.
Joe got really mad at me and we left. Apparently she was a foreign exchange student or something and they were immediately best friends, they were weird kids and didn't have other friends before each other.
Every year they alternated staying with their families, between Ireland and Germany. I never knew about this but there were things, like we were watching a movie once and a character was speaking German and Joe was able to translate, when I asked him wtf he speaks German? He gave me a weird look and was like "yeah that's where Nat is from".
Then when they were teenagers and the two were in Ireland, Nat's family was killed back in her country and so she stayed there with his family until they moved out TOGETHER. And they've basically been side by side since for 15+ YEARS!!
They lived together and went to school together, and then lived together and worked together, since they were like TWELVE. Apparently there was one school year their parents decided not to put them together and they both reacted so hostile and began acting out with crime and drugs that their parents gave in.
Idk why I didn't know this and started to wonder what else. Asked if they slept together... And yes they sure did!! About 6 years ago for like a year. Then one night Nat kissed a guy and Joe freaked out.
They got in fight and decided sex was complicating things and then just... stopped? But then they also hooked up a few times since. I freaked out. After all the "she's like my sister" BS.
Joe insisted it didn't mean anything but WTF. He kept saying it was purely physical and there were no feelings, but if there weren't feelings how did things get complicated then??
Well regardless we managed to talk it out but didn't go back to his parents. He argued that they were barely even friends anymore since he hasn't seen her in so long, and I did such a 'good job' tearing them apart. I told him he asked ME to marry him and should act like it. We fought for like three days until he got sick of it.
Last week he gets a call from her, I hear him get upset and argue then he starts to leave, I ask him wtf, he just said Natalie's in trouble and he need to go to her and LEAVES. Just hopped on a plane and left, just like that, if I wouldn't have asked he probably wouldn't have even said a word to me. So naturally I was livid.
And I started drinking and sent some angry messages. And I basically told him that if he was going to leave like that and run to her, he made it clear he was choosing her over me, and he shouldn't bother coming home.
His response was just "ok" and that he would come back soon to get his stuff, which really really pissed me off. Well yesterday I talked to our mutual friend Chloe, who told me that Natalie was in a baaad situation and called Joe from the hospital.
I felt kinda bad then and wondered why Joe didn't tell me that detail so I called him. It wasn't a good conversation. I told him I understood why he left, but since she's okay now, he should come home.
He disagreed, and flipped OUT on me. He said that if I didn't "keep them apart" and put distance between them, she might have opened up to him about what she was dealing with and he could have helped.
He called me manipulative and jealous. I do feel bad but I still think I didn't do anything that bad, Chloe told me she'd be surprised if Joe wants to work things out... I love him but this situation is so weird, I just want some advice.
Is our relationship salvageable? Is what I did that bad? Should we even bother or should I just let him and Natalie do their weird not-a-real-couple song and dance?
EDIT: I JUST FOUND OUT SHE TRIED TO BE WITH HIM AND HE REJECTED HER?! And he didn't want to ruin their friendship?!???? I'm so CONFUSED.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
xsmalldragon
I honestly don’t even know why you’d want this to work, OP. I’m exhausted and jealous and it’s not even my relationship. He made the choice to propose marriage but that still doesn’t mean more to him than this girl, and it never will.
You want this to be your life? He’ll never put you first, never respect your boundaries, and you’ll never feel fully comfortable about their relationship. Move on and find someone who isn’t so enmeshed w their bestie/adopted sister/former lover.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRA62946294
I think at this point I'm done with it. I guess I just wanted some validation that I'm not a crazy AH like everyone else is making it sound like.
TheElusiveGoose10
He's gone babe. He's made his decision. No need to try and go back when he's made his choice about Nat and you and he chose her.
I know this sucks but best to focus on yourself, your hobbies, your friends and family. Find that support and you'll be ok. But it still doesn't make the pain go away. Maybe if you decide to drink have someone sober around you, that why you don't make bad, hasty decisions. You got this.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
"[UPDATE] I (26F) am uncomfortable with the relationship between my fiance (28M) and his best friend/bandmate (27F), and I think it may have ruined our chance of being together"
ThrowRA62946294
Hi everyone, it's me, the one from yesterday's post about my now ex fiance. I just want to first say that I really, REALLY appreciate everyone's input and suggestions, it helped me so much and gave me that push to finally address what I already knew what needed to be done.
A lot of people asked for updates and a lot has happened in the last 24hrs, but the original post is locked so I hope this is okay to post here. I've updated a few people through private messages and was told how to go about posting an update through there, so thank you everyone!
Well first off, I was angry and emotional yesterday and I reached out to Sam, who used to date Natalie. I figured if anyone could relate to exactly wtf I was dealing with, it would be him.
So we met up for some drinks (I'm not looking for a rebound type anything just wanted someone who really understands), and holy jeebers. Apparently he asked way more questions and Natalie was way more open with him than Joe was with me, and it filled in some blanks but also made things more confusing.
Sam read the whole post and comments then we started talking. First thing he clarified was the time they were sleeping together. So, per Sam, they were hooking up secretly for that year, and from what Natalie told Sam (God this is tiring), it started as a way to relieve tension/boredom.
The first time happened during a fight (which is so on brand for them that if I wasn't so angry I'd laugh at that). They agreed to keep emotions out of it and just have fun, apparently Natalie said the intimacy was incredible because they're so close already.
Which is why they didn't just write it off as a one time mistake, and then the reason the fight that ended things happened is Natalie was going to bring this other guy as her date with her to the party and she made a joke like "unless you wanna finally make this official lol."
Joe's response was like, "nooo i can't ruin our friendship like that" (paraphrasing... maybe hah.) So, Natalie went and brought that guy with and then Joe got drunk and tried to fight him so... yeah.
I don't know why Joe chose to leave out the details that he did. Tbh it probably would have made me feel a little more comfortable. So he left out those details, but Natalie told Sam those details. And admitted to Sam when they broke up that no one will ever mean more to her than Joe. I applaud Sam for not blowing that up and letting everyone know... I'm not that nice.
You guys will be proud of me... after a few drinks with Sam I took the advice that a lot of people gave me. But instead of just sending my last post to Joe, I sent it to our entire group chat that all of our friends are on, including Joe and Natalie. And then I waited.
Most people didn't respond in the chat but I started getting a lot of private texts from friends. But after a little while, Natalie responded, and I'll just copy her response here:
Emma I was going to talk to you privately but since you decided doing things this way was your best option I will follow suit.
• "Joe is just average": this is how you talk about a man you are supposed to love? Especially considering he is NOT just average?
• "I had to talk Joe out of joining her": and it meant he missed out on a great opportunity just to appease you and your concerns. I even tried to invite you to come with us on the tour. You also mention him getting a REAL job and are rude about his talent. You have never supported him.
• Ya you came to ONE of our performances the whole time and hated that song and we stopped playing it even though you never came to another one.
• I am SORRY you didn't know the details of our friendship. I have tried to include you and befriend you and build a relationship with you but you were too jealous to accept my effort but maybe we could have talked about things and made you feel comfortable.
You didnt even like to hear him talk about me. You also made the implication I did something drastic to get his attention to make him come out here und that is cruel considering circumstances. I wish I would have been around more so I would have realized sooner that he deserves so much better than you.
I was honestly shocked to get that response and I was wondering why the hell she didn't address the important stuff? Like being in love, or the fact they've been together? But anyway chaos kind of broke out in the chat after that and I didn't respond with anything, just sat back and watched it all blow up.
Well, Joe called me a little while after that, and assured me he was alone. He was crying and apologizing to me but not like begging for me back at all. He basically confirmed what I thought and everyone else was saying.
He was apologizing for hurting me and straight up admitted he's totally in love with her and has been forever, they were even each other's first kiss. I told him I know she wanted a relationship with him, Sam told me, so WTF was he doing with me?
He said he didn't realize the extent of her feelings for him, thought it was just because the intimacy was good, he didn't want to admit he was madly in love with her and basically he was worried that if they tried a relationship, and things ended badly because she realized she could do better, their friendship would be ruined.
He said their friendship was important enough to him that he'd prefer being quietly in love with her forever to trying something and ruining it. And that's kinda where I came in, I guess.
He says he was in major denial about his feelings for her and he hoped it would be easier to have her as "just a friend" if he tried to put his energy into a different relationship. I cried and yelled a lot and called him a lot of names. I'm still shaking. He admitted it was a horrible thing to do to me and says he never wanted to hurt me. Basically he's insecure, and it caused this whole nightmare.
Obviously things are completely done. From what it sounds like, with Joe saying he 'didn't realize the extent of her feelings', it sure sounds like he does now, so maybe seeing this post made her fess up.
Good for them, I guess. I hate both of them and I hope they make each other insane. I've thrown out a lot of his stuff and instead of giving the ring back I'm gonna go sell it and do something fun.
EDIT: A lot of people are calling them cheaters but I would like to clear up that I'm 99.9% sure neither of them cheated on anyone (aside from their constant emotional affair). Some of my wording might be confusing and I apologize.
I've calmed down a bit and I'm pretty worried about Natalie tbh, I feel like they're going to be together and he's going to be all crazy and controlling and things are going to get really messy, the emotions with these two are way too dramatic... she's so lovestruck and blinded by his admission of his feelings that she's going to defend him to the end... Poor girl.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
"My ex-fiance had a LONG emotional affair that started before we met."
ThrowRA62946294
Hi there Reddit - I previously came to this site for advice when I discovered uncomfortable truths about my ex, and we broke up about a week ago. (If anyone is curious feel free to look at my post history but it's a LOT to read)
Basically, his gorgeous best friend/adopted sister/bandmate and him are madly in love. I ignored the signs and red flags that popped up constantly, until I couldn't anymore, and he finally admitted his feelings for her after keeping them repressed since they were teenagers.
I'm not sure what I'm posting for now, I'm a little drunk and really sad and angry, and most of my friend group were friends with them first... and after the initial drama, most of those friends have already switched to thinking "it's about time they're finally together!".
My family isn't too supportive - not in a bad way, that's just the nature of my family, we get uncomfortable talking about emotional things. Which is probably why I willfully ignored the issues with my fiance tbh.
I'm at a loss. He hasn't even picked up his stuff yet. I've been drinking and crying and obsessing over every detail of this whole situation. I feel like an IDIOT! Why did I stay for so long when he always put her before me?
Why didn't I see what everyone else apparently did? He was just with me because he thought it would help him move past his feelings for HER. I feel so used, and unloved. I do have plans to get into therapy (for multiple reasons).
What do I do? I know it's only been a few days... but... when does this start to not hurt sooo badly? I loved him so much. Even when he flew out to her and abandoned me because she needed him, when I got upset and we fought, I still thought, "how do I fix this?"
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered calling him, but it wouldn't do any good. Now that he has her he'll never let her go. Not even that I want him BACK... I just don't know. I've never gone through this. There's an actual aching in my chest, and I know the drinking is bad, I just... ugh idk I'm so hurt.
A month later, the OP again returned with an update.
"hope you're happy after ruining my life"
ThrowRA62946294
All that for nothing. My life is in shambles and they're going off to elope. I didn't even do anything wrong.
I was devastated after my fiance left and missed some work and then I lost my job, my friends have abandoned me, I'm about to move back home, I moved out here for nothing. I moved out here so he could use me to realize how in love with her he is. I heard they're running away to elope. I hope they burn.
Ten months later, the OP again returned.
"Hi everyone, it's me (27F), the girl from last year whose fiance (29M) was in love with his best friend and bandmate."
ThrowRA62946294
Hi everyone, I'm sure some of you remember my original post. Idk if anyone cares but with the new year it had me thinking about 2023 and everything and thought I would post an update.
Tbh I kind of spiraled after everything that happened and did some stupid things. But I moved back home and started working on myself and I'm doing a lot better. I realized I should avoid relationships for a while probably and that's been good for me to focus on myself.
Realized a lot of things about my identity and sexuality and what I want in life. I realized I had to be kinda screwed up to put up with everything I went through. I'm planning on maybe going back to school this year to finish my degree.
I asked some old mutual friends since they're not on any social media. Joe and Natalie are good apparently, they got married and moved back to Ireland and Natalie has a nice fancy job now at Joe's family's company, and he's doing some nonsense like idk teaching horse riding or archery or something and they bought a house.
So he's still slacking and relying on her success. Just like when he coasted off her skills in music and for some reason she is ok with it. One of our friends made a joke about him being a trophy husband which is LAUGHABLE when she should be the trophy but whatever. That's life I guess, sometimes bad people get happy endings.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this final update from the OP:
BeyondAbleCrip
I’m sorry that happened to you, but you have to try and move on. I know you’re trying but the post shows you’re still stuck in what he’s doing. I would block all of his and her social media and seriously work towards getting over it and moving on with my life.
I truly wish you the best, yes, people suck and sadly karma isn’t instant but I do believe in it, and have witnessed it. Worry about taking care of you! 💙
pitrole
So this is what a love triangle story looks like when it’s told from the person that is ultimately left behind…
matchamagpie
Natalie and Joe thinking they're in a shitty Netflix romcom while everyone else are side characters in their fucked up romance. OP was the collateral damage.
well_this_is_dumb
Poor girl. Joe really sucks. 2 years and engaged, what a selfish moron.
Whitelight912
I honestly started reading this thinking OP was paranoid... until I heard about them hooking up in the past and from then I was totally on board. I feel really sorry for the poor girl, she never stood a chance. I'm glad she's working on herself.
ridgegirl29
It's incredible that this guy was willing to make himself and OP miserable just because he couldn't see the obvious. Glad OP dipped. I don't blame her for spiraling at all.