Bride livid with mom who says, 'I'm paying for your wedding, I control the guest list.'
When this bride to be is annoyed with her mother, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for telling my mom that “we” didn’t invite people to my wedding, “I” did?'
Literal first time posting on this sub, possibly on any sub? I (31F) am getting married in October. We are doing a very small ceremony and originally wanted only 25 people (both due to cost and just that we wanted something more intimate). My family and my fiancé’s family are located in different states.
The ceremony is in neither of those states, but we have been clear that people don’t have to come if the travel is too much. Despite it being a very small event, my mom has been in sort of a craze. One thing we have been arguing about consistently is the guest list.
Before you ask, yes, she is contributing to the wedding. As is my father (they are divorced) and my fiancé’s father. It is not a whole lot of money as it is not a big wedding, but with those contributions we are paying for almost nothing ourselves.
My mom seems to think that by contributing to the wedding, she gets to decide who comes from her side of the family. I have been open to hearing her out, and as a result my list has already increased from 25 to about 40. I am trying not to be close-minded, but I also feel like as it is my wedding, it should be my choice.
Here is where I may be the AH. I have gotten very sick of the arguments about guest lists. This has been going on for months and I have conceded almost every time. The other day, she texted me to ask if I invited a distant family member who lived far away that I hadn’t seen or heard from in probably 10 years.
I said no. She called me immediately and said she was confused because she knew we talked about it and she couldn’t remember where WE had landed. She went on to say that she found it hard to believe WE hadn’t included that distant family member as WE had talked about maybe inviting him.
I finally lost my composure, and said, “No, I did not invite him because I never see or talk to him, so that is what I decided.” (Very large emphasis on the “I”s). She sorta scoffed and expressed confusion, and I told her that she keeps saying “we” and that it is MY wedding and “I” will decide.
She went silent and I changed the subject. I’ve hardly heard from her since (though she has been very busy with work).
I’m wondering if I’m the AH because she has expressed to me that “traditionally, if the parent is contributing then they have a say in who is invited.” I told her I understood where she was coming from, but if her contribution was conditional and came with stipulations on who I need to invite, I don’t want it.
She hasn’t brought that specifically (contributing to the wedding) since. AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say.
squishybeth77 writes:
NTA - it's YOUR wedding, it's YOUR big day, you get to make the calls on literally everything. The money she contributes is a gift to you as her daughter, not a buy in. You might also explain to her that it's time for ridiculous traditions to die and they are and have been for a while now. So basically no, contributing doesn't mean she can take over your wedding.
enoughpromise7 writes:
NTA. I am of the camp that thinks if parents contribute money to the wedding, they do have a right to say they want some guests invited whom the bride/groom wouldn't have invited.
This shouldn't be about forcing unwanted guests on the couple, obviously - but if the parents are paying for a big party, yeah, they do get to say 'sure, you wouldn't have thought inviting Aunt Mildred, but I'm paying for a large number of people to have a meal and I should get to choose a few relatives that wouldn'r have occurred to you'.
Anyone who doesn't like their parents inviting distant relatives should pay entirely for their own wedding, and that removes that problem. But. You're having a small wedding and you've already given in on seven relatives - your mom does not get to pick the entire guest list. Let her know she's maxed out on her picks.
mapleleaf6 writes:
NTA. Even with an expanded guest list of 40 Each contributing parent should get at most 5 picks each. that would give yourself & the groom ~10 picks for friends (assuming the wedding party is around 10 people) that is not unreasonable. Distant relatives you haven't interacted with in over a decade would struggle to get into the largest wedding.