When Words Hurt: Woman deals with addressing comparison remarks from boyfriend. AITA?
"AITA for telling the man I’m seeing I don’t want to be compared to his ex/exes?"
Educational-Way751
So, I have only been hanging out w this guy for about 3 weeks now. The first time he compared me to one of his exes it was early on when I explained a mental health condition and when I asked if he knew what it was and he started talking about his ex who has the same condition.
This wasn’t that big a deal to me and I didn’t say anything. But he asked me if this meant I was gonna randomly end it like she did which I felt was an unfair assumption just based on the fact that we have the same disorder.
The second time, we were making out and he did something I didn’t like. When I stopped him, he brought up how he only did it because his ex liked it. He apologized for this later though.
He acknowledged that was a stupid thing to say and seemed really sincere. The third time was yesterday. We were talking about how I’ve cut people off in the past once I start caring about them because I have a fear of being abandoned.
I told him I wouldn’t do it to him and he started quoting his exes and how they said they wouldn’t hurt him and they still did. Then told me not to make him second guess his trust in me. This just really upset me so I told him I didn’t appreciate being compared in that way.
He got defensive which is understandable because I know that everyone has a past. I don’t mind hearing about his, I just feel there are better ways to go about it. He said that I made him feel like he can’t be open with me, and that he wasn’t trying to compare us.
He was only comparing what I said to what they said in order to explain his feelings. I am starting to wonder whether I’m being ureasonable. This is the first disagreement we have had really. He’s such a sweet person and treats me extremely well. I trust him and I don’t think he still has feelings for them. It just makes me feel bad to constantly be compared.
He said that there was no other possible way to explain how he felt but in my opinion there were plenty of other ways to say it. So am I being unreasonable here? AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Leo-POV
You are NTA. You are not being unreasonable. He is not with these ex's anymore he is with you. He should NOT be making comparisons, unless it's to compliment you for being better than they were.
There are many other ways to explain how he feels without having to refer to the ex partners and you are right in your opinion that there are many other ways to say it. The spectre of ex's are there anyway in every relationship, as a given, without this dimwit having to bring them up and pile it on.
It's time to set some boundaries and set a line in the sand. If the ex's were all that, then he should go back to them and let you get on with your life. You don't need to live in a relationship where you might feel you are being compared to these old partners and feeling like you are being made to be second best.
This man should be besotted with you to the point that the ex's don't even cross his mind. His comparisons are unfair, but the seem to have been triggered by your recollections of old relationships. How long are you guys together? Could couples therapy be an option, or have you not yet reached that point? I wish you well whichever way things turn out.
HarveySnake
3 week old relationship. If things are the “couples counseling” point already for a 3 week relationship it’s not going to last. The guy sounds like he’s carrying around a ton of emotional baggage from his past relationships. He needs to deal with that before starting a new one.
ChrisEye21
Sounds like this ex hurt him and he is not over it yet. He may still havign feelings for them. But st the very least, he is not over the break up. Probably not ready for a relationship with you.
_iron_butterfly_
YTA - You need to keep in mind that he's using his own personal experience. That shows he's learning from his mistakes and learning what he doesn't want in a spouse. His ex is his only reference to being in a relationship.
You brought up cutting off "other" men along with your abandonment issues. You were also referencing your past relationships with other men... Right? You just didn't put a specific name, only what happened and the end result.
What are you going to talk about if you're married 20 yrs and divorced or become a widow? If you don't talk about an ex once in a while, then you have nothing to say about the last 20 yrs of your life. At least I wouldn't have but a few stories to tell if that was the case.
If a guy says something that's totally cringe... and you don't like it. You're a jerk for continuing to date him. I went on a couple of dates with this guy. He picked me up, and his center console was all smashed in "He said his soon to be ex-wife did it. Later, he said I reminded him of a mix of his wife and his mistress... That's cringe. I never saw him again.
The OP responded here:
Educational-Way751
My problem isn’t that he mentioned his ex, it’s the continuous comparison between me and his exes, especially in such a short time. I talk about past experiences with him without pointing out similarities between him and my exes because I don’t feel like that brings anything productive to the relationship we’re trying to build.
Telling me he has trust issues is one thing but telling me I shouldn’t be trusted because I used similar wording to previous girlfriends is taking it a bit far.
_iron_butterfly_
Okay, so you tell him about your mental health issues his response is I've dealt with your disorder in my previous relationship... and you're upset? He's allowed to look for red flags, too.
He may need to consider if he really wants to be in a similar situation. He's been there done that. It's only been 3 weeks you're trying to get to know one another. If you don't like something and can't live with it, move on.
The OP again responded:
Educational-Way751
No, I didn’t think much of it when that happened. I only mentioned it here because I feel it’s relevant now that it’s happen two more times and it seems like it’s becoming a pattern. If he had only mentioned her during that conversation I never would’ve had an issue.
I understand having reservations and looking for red flags, however consistently comparing me to people he dated in the past isn’t going doing us any good and is making me extremely uncomfortable at this point. I don’t want to have to watch what I say or do out of fear that it’s too similar to another woman he’s been with and I’m going to have to hear about it yet again.
_iron_butterfly_
You already have the answer...reread what you wrote. You're just not compatible. He makes you feel uncomfortable. The man you fall in love with will make you feel secure and confident. It's just not happening. The longer you're with the wrong man, the longer it takes to find the right man.