BF buys GF a cruise for her birthday; she says, 'you've never respected me.' UPDATED 2X
"I found tickets for a cruise that my bf got me. This gift has cemented for me that this relationship is over."
Helpful-Minimum8496
I need to let this out without getting pushback from family and friends who think his gift is romantic so im using a throwaway. My birthday is coming up in a few months and 3 days ago, i found out what my birthday present was which are tickets to a cruise.
His sister spilled the news thinking I would be excited and im not. We live together and I found the gift and know it's for me. I sound so ungrateful but I'm not. This gift just proves to me that things will never change.
The first thing is this gift isn't for me. I do not like cruises because I get really bad sea sickness and nothing I do helps. I also told him what I wanted to do for my birthday which was go to a Renfaire festival on my birthday.
I have already taken the week off from work for it in preparation to go this fair. I have purchased tickets and am saving month to month so that I have spending money without it affecting finances at home. Why would he book tickets the same time as the time I took off to go to this festival? Also this cruise wasn't cheap at all so it's bascially wasted money because im not going.
I'm so annoyed. I have told him time and time again that I dont feel like he listens to me, that I feel like he just gets me things by thinking about what's best for him or what he would like. It's not only gifts. He makes decisions based on what he thinks is best and i just cant deal with it anymore.
I love him but I'm so done and before anyone says I didn't talk to him about this, I have repeatedly. This has been a recurring conversation in our 2.5 year relationship. The next thing to do is talk this out and end things.
I know the gift is for me because it was in really nice packaging that said "Happy Birthday (my name)" and the bag had like cruise ship related items and possible excursions. The effort he went to, it made me sad because that means he could have put in a little effort about the things i like.
If he had even just gotten me a ticket for the Renfaire festival or accessories from online or even a piece of an outfit that had to do with Renfaire, it would have made my entire month. It would have meant that he listened and got me something that interested me. I'm talking to him tonight, and I'm not even annoyed anymore. I feel nothing about this.
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
gurlwithdragontat2
Well this is kind of the risk of these behaviors, they will continue until you opt out. It’s evident this gift is for him, and more about what he feels like doing. Because on what planet would you ’gift’ someone they won’t be able to enjoy?
That’s the thing about other people, they’ll encourage ‘keeping the peace’ not taking into account how it affects you. As long as everyone else experiences as little discomfort as possible.
beingleigh
100% - I bet after she breaks up with him, he'll go around telling everyone all the "great" things he did for her, however ungrateful she was about his "thoughtful gift."
probably_an_asshole9
I think the fact that he knows you have plans for the day of your birthday, and has deliberately double booked you after the fact, is a much bigger red flag than the obviously sh!++y present.
DeCryingShame
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would be pi$$ed if a partner got me tickets to something that made me sick. Once or twice I might overlook it but with this being an ongoing thing, I would definitely be feeling the same way.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update- I ended my relationship with my ex who bought me cruise tickets for my birthday."
Helpful-Minimum8496
The day I wrote my post is the day I ended things with my ex. When he came home, I bascially said I found the tickets for the cruise and I asked him who they were for. He said they were for me for my birthday and i ruined the suprise.
I asked him why did he get me tickets for a cruise when he knew that I get sea sick and also when he knew that I have been preparing for a Renfaire Festival for a couple of months. He said that he always liked cruises when he went on them and he thought that I could push through it with patches or some other remedy because it was a really expensive cruise.
He continued talking but tbh, I spaced out because I realized just how much this man didn't care about me. He brought cruise tickets completely disregarding what I had planned, how I would feel, and what i wanted to do all because he liked them.
Like forget my birthday. He likes cruises so we should do that. I think he realized I wasn't speaking or excited because he asked me what was wrong and I broke up with him.
He was shocked and angry and he asked why. This isn't the exact wording but I said something like, "It's because I have realized how much you really don't care about me and that you're always willing to put your wants over mine everytime it suits you, even on my birthday."
He started to argue and wanted to talk about it but I was just numb and went to bed on the couch. After 2 hours of trying to speak to me, he left me alone. I woke up the next day and got ready for work.
I oddly felt fine and he wanted to talk but I just said I'm done and if he wanted to talk about the apartment or what we would do about the lease or anything regarding the end of the relationship, I'm ok with that. I told him I'm not changing my mind about this and for me, this relationship is done and I just want to split amicably.
While I was at work that day, I had free time and I wrote down every instance I could remember just in the last 6 months of him choosing his wants/needs over mine. It was nearly three pages front to back and I didnt even realize how much I let go of because he didn't want to do it.
When I went home and he tried to talk again, I gave him the list and I explained what it was. He left me alone the rest of the second night. He's still not accepting the breakup. He wants to do couples therapy now or even go on a break because he realizes how much he has done but NOPE, I'm not doing it. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh to him but I don't want to give him false hope.
I also feel weirdly ok but also numb at the same time. What I have to deal with now is breaking the lease which he isn't willing to do because he thinks we can move past this. So im going to talk to the leasing office and see my options. At least I have my birthday to look forward to as I deal with a relationship ending and having to find a new place to live.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
ACM915
The reason you’re OK with it is because you know deep down that it’s the right thing to do and the two of you are not compatible for a long-term future.
eilyketoo
Good for you. The list must have been an eye opener.
mak_zaddy
Oh I would have loved to just hang out into OP’s ex’s brain as he read the list. Because I could only imagine the mental gymnastics one must do to believe OP would be willing to stay in the relationship after reading that entire list.
_A-Q
Kind of worrying that “he’s not accepting the breakup” and is refusing to break the lease to keep you tied to him. Even now , he’s saying F YOUR FEELINGS, WER’E NOT BREAKING UP. Be careful OP. Is there anywhere else you can stay? You did the right thing.
"Update- I'm still living with my ex who got me a cruise for my bday."
Helpful-Minimum8496
So I don't even know what to say about the past 2 weeks since I last posted. I had hoped to do a real quick update saying I was good, out of the lease, found a place but I can't say that.
First, the leasing office offered me a way out of the place and it's really expensive. We have 4 months left and there is no way I could afford to break this lease, find a new place, move, put down a deposit and everything else that comes along with moving.
If my ex and i break the lease together, it is significantly cheaper but he has refused, so I have no choice but to live with him. I have a few places in mind and im eligible so I will just deal with this for now.
I moved all of my things to a storage unit and put all my important documents into a safe location elsewhere. I have to get furniture for my new place since it was his place I moved into but other than that, I already have everything else you would need.
When it comes to my ex, I don't even know how to describe what is happening. It honestly feels like these last 17 days have been happening to someone else. He wont let me out of the lease because he thinks we can fix this.
First, he tried to gaslight me because he said the things on the list didn't happen. Where do you think I got an accurate recollection of what you did and the dates- text messages. When I told him that the texts showed him either confirming what I said or doing the opposite and then apologizing, his face dropped. You can lie all you want but i literally have evidence to back up my memory.
Then this brilliant idiot decided you know what, I'm going to look at the list and pick things I did wrong and do them right. So he started picking things he had done wrong and then doing it right without any input from me.
You know, it's the biggest insult to realize that he could have done this right from the start. None of these were mistakes. He knew exactly what he was doing and didn't care about what I wanted or needed if he thought his idea was better.
I had people message me asking what was on the list and you know what, when i find the time, i will rewrite the whole list with screenshots. I will give a few examples now. One was when I asked him to pick up an orchid for me since I would be working late all week. Orchids were my grandmother's favorite flower and she died a couple of years ago.
Sometimes I really miss her, so I get some of her favorite flowers and having them around really helps my mood. He decided to pick up roses and I remember seeing the roses and saying why did you get me roses when I asked for an orchid and him saying that he thought these were better and prettier.
Another example was when he took my car to a different mechanic because he thought the one I had used for 5 years was trying to scam me when he literally was going to patch up two tires that happened to get a nail. Did he even meet my mechanic? No he didnt. He just decided to take my car somewhere else.
I took my car to my mechanic who charged me 20 dollars to fix my two tires and he's literally my friend. The last was when i was invited to a party that had an ex friend invited who had really hurt another friend of mine.
I told my bf you can go but I'm not going out of solidarity with my friend if that guy is going to be there. He promised that he had heard from the planner that the guy had said no to coming. He lied and my friend and I were shocked to see the guy there.
I almost lost my friendship with my friend because my ex thought that we shouldn't miss out on a party because he could prevent the guy from approaching us. My ex would do things like this all the time and each time I would be livid because he promised to do something for me and then would veto my decision to go for what he felt was best before discussing it with me.
I take full responsibility for enabling this behavior but I honestly thought at the time that I was compromising and he fully took advantage of that. At the time i thought wow, yea he's not doing what I wanted but he still doing these things and it's misguided but he's trying.
I did go to my close friends and sister to vent and I would hear, "oh but at least he still got you flowers", "I can't remember the last time I got roses," "He was looking out for you. Some mechanics are leeches," "he was trying to be a protector when he lied about the party."
I realize now that these responses made me feel bad and help me accept the behavior because when I vented to my friends and sister, I got feedback that made it seem like i was ungrateful and that he was a bf who made mistakes but at least he tried. I also didn't realize the sheer amount of bull I put up with.
Writing it down and seeing the list get longer and longer when you have barely scratched the surface- you're like how did I get here? How did I let so many things slide? Where the F did my backbone go?
I will say the backbone is back and im not tolerating any of this. Anytime my ex tries to talk to me about things not regarding the lease, i tell him to push through it. Your feelings are hurt- push through it, you still love me- push through it, you're in pain- push through it, you did something nice for me but I'm ignoring it- push through it, you paid for couples counseling and i didnt show up- PUSH THROUGH IT.
I don't give a crap. He keeps asking why I'm fine and honestly i think a part of me checked out a long time ago, grieved this relationship and that part was waiting for the rest of me to catch up and I have.
As for my friends and family, I have told them the relationship is done and that's my decision and that it's none of their business. When a few of them tried to make me feel bad about the cruise and how they wish someone would do that for them. I told them that their husbands/boyfriends not even doing the bare minimum for them doesn't mean that I should accept my ex's behavior.
I told them that maybe they should concentrate on why their SOs do nothing for them instead of trying to get me to accept things I don't want or need just because my ex happened to "try". Not going to lie, that response took me a couple of hours to articulate and some of them aren't talking to me now but oh well.
So that's my life currently. I'm living in the guest room and my ex is still trying. Hes very annoyed and hurt but thats not my problem. He is bascially holding me hostage so i dont care about his feelings. I have made it clear we are roommates. I don't cook, clean, or do anything for him.
Honestly I barely speak to him and I ignore his calls and texts when not at home. If he won't let me out of the lease, i will treat him like a stranger. I will not harm him or destroy any of his things but I'm going to actively ignore his entire existence for the next four months.
Either he deals with this or he lets me out of the lease. Other than that, I'm doing really good and working on myself and maintaining boundaries and not letting people take advantage anymore.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Rhuthbarb
Good for you for realizing that you've been getting bad advice from unhappy people who have set the bar so low that you're tripping on it.
matchamagpie
It's crazy how relevant the "Homer gifts Marge a bowling ball with his name engraved on it" Simpsons episode still is. Good on OP for realizing it's the last straw. Love her new steel backbone but hate that her ex is still being a pathetic clingy loser. I hope she's able to get out of her lease.
nustedbut
lmao. Those "friends" that are upset at OP are idiots if they still don't get it.
archiangel
To all OP’s family that went the ‘wow I wish I got a cruise!’ from my partner’ - that’s the whole point. They wanted a cruise, OP did not. Would they feel the same if their partner got them a trip to the [insert extremely niche hobby] convention in a hobby they don’t care for somewhere they hate as a surprise? Because that’s how it was for OP. Hope OP can get out, or can find more chill and supportive friends to crash with.
SamiraSimp
What a nightmare scenario, having to live 4 months with a manchild of an ex boyfriend.