Man tired of GF loudly bullying people who look different, she starts crying. AITA?
"AITA for making my girlfriend cry after letting her know just how hurtful it is to make fun of strangers in public?"
superfamicomrade
I've (36m) always hated when I'm out in public with people who pick on or make fun of strangers. So, yesterday was both Thanksgiving AND my girlfriends birthday (41f).
Her mom, her best friend from childhood (41m) and his boyfriend were also in attendance. This was in a restaurant (no mess, no stress, just pay and eat). An older lady (probably late 60's) was standing near our table waiting for her family to catch up.
She was a standard-issue older lady... except she had (intentionally) dyed blue hair. Well, my girlfriend said WAY too loudly "omG! LoOk At ThaT 80 yEaR oLd WomANs Blue hAir!! HAHA" Her best friend chimed in with the same critique.
They kept saying things like "Why do old woman do that, are they trying to be young?" and impersonating her: "this will make my granddaughter think I'm COOL" and laughing and so on.
THE WOMAN COULD HEAR EVERY WORD. The first mention of the word blue hair and I saw her eyes dart straight towards us. The best friend said to my gf : "It's you when you're in your 80's, HAHAHA" and my gf said "OH GOD, no, hahahaha"... after a minute or two, she had enough and walked outside to wait for her party, looking VERY sad in my opinion.
When we got back home, after a few hours, my girlfriend said "Jeez, how about that woman with the blue hair, RIGHT?" Well, I told her how I thought they were being mean. How that woman heard EVERYTHING and how her actions may have impacted this poor woman. (Now... there is absolutely a chance the woman didn't give a darn and thought "f you". We'll never know.)
My girlfriend and her best friend were viciously bullied as kids. My girlfriend is an amazing, sweet, caring and thoughtful person. She never intended for that woman to hear. But her and her best friend have been "people-watching" like this since they were kids.
When I let her know that yes, that woman ABSOLUTELY was listening and seemed quite hurt, my girlfriend just BROKE DOWN. BAWLING crying, snot bubbles, shaking and all.
She said she felt so bad and knew what it was like to be bullied. She immediately owned up and said she just wished she could apologize. I felt terrible now OF COURSE, and backpedaled and just focused on this being a "teachable moment" and that nobody is perfect and she's still of course a good, sweet person. Just a tipsy error in judgement.
But she was locked in on guilt. She had to take a sedative to stop crying and sleep. I held her for hours while she cried and mumbled "I'm so sorry." It really brought her back to being bullied as a kid, and how she felt when It happened.
But those bullies said it LOUD, directly, peppered with "loser", "freak", etc, we all know how bullies do. My girlfriend is not a bully. She just never thought about the consequences of bad mouth talking before. She IS a good person. So is her best friend. Anyways reddit... AITA??? IT WAS HER FVKKING BIRTHDAY AND SHE CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP. FVccccccccCK.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
YouthNAsia63
I’m sorry, what? She cried herself to sleep and had snot bubbles and everything, (awww)… And here you are feeling guilty that you mentioned her public behavior was being a bully and maybe her little friends were bullies too? And now you are over here feeling bad and asking if you are an ahole.
No, buddy, you are being manipulated. You are over here thinking how awful you were and it was your GF’s birthday and you ruined it for her and wishing you hadn’t said anything and next time you just won’t say anything about her “people watching”. Yeaaa. Manipulated. NTA
KitMacPhersonWrites
You know, I was bullied fiercely as a child. As an adult, the absolute LAST thing I would ever want to do is make someone else feel bad, or make fun of anyone for any reason (with the possible exception of people being super mean or rude.)
I go out of my way to smile at and compliment strangers, just to spread a little joy in the universe. Anyone who would make those kinds of comments about a stranger, whether they could hear it or not, is an enormous AH, in my opinion. You, OP, are NTA, and I don’t really think she feels as bad as she’s leading you to believe.
HRHArgyll
She manipulative and is crying in that hysterical performative way to make OP feel bad an seeing and calling out her horrible despicable behaviour. Maybe the lady thought “F you!” Or maybe it was the last straw after a battle with depression.
Your gf should feel guilty - she should’ve been sufficiently aware not to do it - but the reason she feels guilty is because OP has noticed and told her off, not about what she did, which is why she was so ready to start up again. NTA. She sounds awful.
Either way you’ll know soon enough, because if she continues to “people-watch” (!) like this, you’ll know this was all a nonsense - though I expect she’ll be wary of doing it in front of OP again.
georgiasully
NTA And your girlfriend is a bully and her and her best friend have been bullies for a long time. Seriously, she’s 41 and is still acting like this? 🤢Their “people watching” (yeah most people I know who do that aren’t mercilessly mocking and belittling people) probably started when they were getting bullied really bad and this was their way of getting even or just coping.
Or they were thinking, “it’s not the same thing since we aren’t going to the person and saying these things. So it’s ok and it doesn’t count.” It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism and clearly they have gotten bolder over the years, again YEARS OF THIS CRUEL BEHAVIOR, since they definitely knew she could hear and went harder at this older woman.
Your girlfriend needed that metaphorical slap across the face because she has become what she despises and fears the most. And she probably knew it too, she just couldn’t face it. So you made her and she can’t cope. Don’t back down on this, though be gentle about it.
Maybe she is a good person but she needs to work on herself a lot, if she isn’t in therapy suggest it. She could really benefit from it and I’m sure it would help your relationship too. I don’t know if you guys live together or how you see your future but think about this.
If you want to spend the rest of you your life with this woman, and she doesn’t change. Can you put up with this? What if she turned this behavior onto your family or friends? What if, after this incident, and she’s done feeling sorry for herself, the bullying gets worse, more bold since it’s out in the open now.
Can you stay with a woman that can be so undeniably cruel to people for her own enjoyment? Good luck to you and your girlfriend, I hope she can change for the better.
The OP responded here:
superfamicomrade
Reading most of these comments, I feel like a sucker, haha. But I truly believe her regret. I feel it's genuine and not manipulation. It's more inexcusable than I'd like to admit... but yes, I think this may be a breaking point where she can change. My thoughts at the time were also "Christ, we're 40!!! Why TF are you two doing this?!?"
I think when she gets together with her childhood best friend, all this repressed anger about being "the gay kid and the punk rock girl" in high school bubble up and they revert to the childish coping technique of reversals, deflection and punching down.
I do hope to marry her (I'm divorced. My 1st wife being the same way about bad mouthing, WORSE even, contributed to our divorce. She only responded with anger when called out, though). I'm convinced I'm not the ahole now, thankfully. But you are correct, I need to hold this line and hold HER accountable. I know she's capable of being better. So let's be better.