Man accuses fiancée of being madly in love with friend, calls her 'two-faced.' ONGOING UPDATE
"AITA for worrying about my fiancée's friend who she used to have a crush on?"
EuphoricBed446
I (29M) have been with my fiancée (25F) for 3 years. She has these friends, Tanya and Alan (25f & 26m). They are currently dating and going to get married at the end of this year. A little bit of backstory here, my fiancée, Tanya and Alan were college friends.
They belonged in the same friend group for 4 years. They were in the same major and they also did their thesis together. So, they have been pretty close.
But the thing is, my fiancée confessed that she used to have a crush on Alan. She described that on the first day of their CS class Alan sat next to her and from that moment on, she wanted to be his girlfriend. But Alan was way more interested in her friend Tanya.
Tanya knew about my fiancée's crush on Alan and, despite that, she started dating him. Of course back then, my fiancée was hurt, but she eventually forgave Tanya and Alan. She also said that she got over her crush.
She realized she and Alan wouldn't be good together at all because they have way too many differences. They stayed friends, but they are not that close.
After college my fiancée lost touch with most of her college friends. She is only friends with girls who she went to high school with. I don't hear Tanya and Alan's name from her mouth that much.
She told me she had a crush on Alan but she got over it within 6 months because Alan once made a sexist joke in her presence and she had taken off her rose tinted glasses since then. And the only reason she is still friends with Tanya is because she holds no grudge against her.
In fact, I remember she told me that she was only cordial with them till now because they did their thesis together and worked on 2 different papers while they were students. I saw no animosity between Tanya and her.
I have never had a hint of suspicion that my fiancée is doing something with Alan. But, I still feel uncomfortable knowing my fiancée is still friends with someone she used to have a massive crush on. I cannot help but feel like a total a**hole if I tell her that she shouldn't meet Alan and Tanya. Am I wrong? Is it something I should be worried about?
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
Soggy_Context_6740
YTA. If you think your fiancé never had a past, you are mistaken. You cannot expect her to stop talking to everyone she had a crush on or had a relationship with. Put yourself in her shoes and think, how would you feel if she asked you not to talk to those people in your life? How ridiculous it sounds now! Trust is the biggest component of any relationship. Love comes second.
The OP responded here:
EuphoricBed446
I mean I had crushes but I am not in touch with them anymore. And I don't intend to because I think it is disrespectful to my partner.
Specific_Tank715
From what we have here? YTA. Your wife is entitled to her own life and her own friends, she herself has admitted she doesn't have a crush on him any longer, and having had s crush on someone doesn't stop you from being friends afterwards.
If you're serious about marriage, then I'd recommend doing it with someone you feel you can put your trust in. And with the way you've worded it, you you don't come off as being worried about your partner cheating, but like you're very controlling.
Fit_Travel_8201
YTA - she doesn't talk about them, infrequently talks TO them, and has given you multiple reasons as to why she no longer likes Alan (he made a sexist comment and they're too fundamentally different).
If you don't trust her about this now, when there is clearly so little risk involved except old college acquaintances she drifed apart from, how will you ever manage watching her navigate other very normal male friendships and interactions in her life?
Let it go. Trust your girlfriend. If you barred her from seeing Alan and Tanya ever again you'd be a massively insecure AH.
Less than a week later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update from that post"
EuphoricBed446
I talked to my fiancée about my insecurities. She laughed and said I have nothing to worry about. I was relieved. Then she went back to talking about her friend Tanya, saying she was only friends with Tanya and Alan because they both had potential that can boost her chances of publishing a research paper.
Let me explain, My fiancée is from a computer science background. She was friends and batchmates with Tanya and Alan. Alan is a really good coder. He has really good skills in coding which can be helpful for anyone doing a group project with him. Tanya was good with research stuff and frontend development.
My fiancée was also very good on her own but they were sort of pro at what they do. She knew that friendship with Tanya and Alan would be beneficial during her thesis because they can submit their research paper in an international conference.
It is a huge deal if someone has few researches in their names. So, my fiancee set aside her ego and pretended to be friends with Alan and Tanya so that they can form a thesis group. And she was right. Their paper got published in 2 separate conferences. Not only that, they did almost every project together so, she got full marks on her projects that boosted her GPA.
She confessed that she never considered Tanya and Alan her best friends. She only pretended to be their friends just for those benefits. But in reality, she hates Tanya because at one point she tried to sabotage her grade. She has no proof that Tanya did it but she is 100% sure it was her.
She also said Tanya was a snake and Alan is a misogynist f*ckboy. If it wasn't for the academic boost, she would never be friends with them. She only only talks to them out of formality.
I am starting to wonder if that makes her a manipulative liar. Because, when she is with Tanya and Alan, she pretends that they are best friends and they love each other. There is no animosity. But when she is alone she rolls her eyes each time Tanya comes up.
I feel like she is two-faced with those people. I did address this, she told me I wouldn't understand. In real world, you have to pretend to like people if you want to get ahead. Is this is red flag?
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
ftrade44456
I'm sure I'm going to get downvoted for this since people are trashing the GF, but I absolutely had to pretend to be someone's friend at work. I really didn't like them. I did it for years.
However, they were management and it was very much a "If I don't like you personally, then I don't like you professionally either" situation. People they didn't like personally were driven out by micromanaging and constant negative comments.
I didn't turn down invites to their house, gatherings or lunches. I certainly didn't initiate them either. I think they liked me as I was listening a lot. I knew the person to be very two faced, gossipy, and someone you can't trust with your personal information. So I listened instead of talked.
I stopped accepting invites the second I left that job. It was self-preservation. Was it the best? Probably not, but I don't regret doing what I needed to do.
presumingpete
I read the post thinking yeah I would do the exact as the gf and now I'm wondering if I'm a selfish prick. But then as it went on I started to reconsider. When it comes to work, I pretend to be everyone's friend, to care what other people are doing etc but at the end of the day we don't have much in common. They are nice people but outside of work we don't have much going on similar.
That said I wouldn't cultivate a year's long friendship just to try get ahead. It's too much work and seems really deceitful. We all have a work face and a friends face, if you pretend to be besties with someone over a long period then that's a weird thing.
ecstaticegg
OP is looking for a reason to end the relationship. First he decides after 3 years of being together that suddenly her friendship with someone she had a crush on YEARS ago is unacceptable and wants to forbid her from meeting them. Oops turns out that isn’t a problem after all. Well surprise! Here’s a new reason she’s actually still a bad person!
Just break up if that’s what he wants. But making her into a bad person so he doesn’t have to feel icky feelings for breaking his engagement is bullshit. Especially if he goes around telling everyone she’s a “manipulative liar”. Sounds hypocritical to me.
ReflectionNah
As a person who is literally doing their Masters in IT, I get the girlfriend’s point of view. It’s so important to make connections during school because it can help you out in the future career-wise. Even if you’re not the biggest fan of someone, it important to stay friendly with them because everyone knows each other.
TendHerWords
To be honest, you sound like someone who is privileged enough not have studied/worked in a toxic field. Sounds like, for her, it’s a survival/self preservation relationship, which typically don’t last nor are particularly deep.
Sometimes you have to compartmentalize different people and relationships with them for different circumstances. It’s a pretty analytical mindset, and if that doesn’t rest easy with you, find out why. Then, discuss it with her if you feel you need to express what you’ve found.