GF furious BF sent money to his sister; says, 'that's my money, I want it!' UPDATED 5X
Sometimes you can be surprised when someone you loved shows you their true colors.
One man writes about his frustration with his girlfriend's criticisms of him financially helping out his sister. The argument exploded to the point where the person he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with became someone he wished he had never met.
"AITA for sending my younger sister money against my GF wishes?" *With updates*
My younger sister (F25) is working towards getting her master's degree in New York. While she loves the city and school, she hates how expensive everything has become. She does work part-time, but it simply isn't enough.
My parents (M77) and (F73) have been sending her money each month, but since they recently retired, they've had to cut back. To fill the gap, my brother (M28) and I (M32) have begun sending some money to our sister from time to time to help with her rent.
I have a well-paying job and a close relationship with my sister, so I'm happy to help where I can. However, my GF (F30) has expressed her dissatisfaction with the arrangement. We've been saving up to buy put a down payment on a house in the future, and my GF believes that my financial contributions to my sister is hindering our progress.
Yesterday (which happened to be the day I usually send my sister money), GF told me that we needed to reduce expenses, and one suggestion she made was for me to no longer send money to my sister. She believes that my sister needs to learn how to manage her money better and that my brother (M28) should contribute more.
I told her about how I feel a responsibility towards my sister and how my brother doesn't make as much as I do, and while she did acknowledge that she then said I was 'financially naïve' and said she 'doesn't want me to be taken advantage of'.
I was kinda disappointed hearing this, as I made the conscientious decision to help my sister and wasn't falling for some sort of scam. The conversation ended because we both had to go to work, but she told me not to send anything until we've further discussed this. During my lunch break at work, I proceeded to send my sister some money and told GF about this over dinner.
She told me that she was 'disappointed'. At this point, I was getting a little annoyed and responded by saying I was not willing to compromise my current arrangement with my sister. GF got upset with this and left the table.
I make about 15.5k/month and have been putting away 4-6k each month towards a future house. GF makes about 7k/month currently saves around 1k/month for the house. She said she'll contribute more once her student loans are payed off.
I pay for rent and utilities, GF pays for bulk of groceries. I started sending my sister $1500/month since my parents retired.
Sis pays $2800/month in rent and $350/month in transportation. I contribute $1500/month; brother pays $750/month, parents pay $500/month. Our mother was terrified of sis living in NYC on her own and only agreed if she lived in a nicer area and had a car. AITA?
The OP provided an update on the same Post 6 hours later:
Update - My GF and I had a long talk after work, it didn't go well. To summarize, tensions escalated during the conversation. I told her that I plan to continue helping my sister until she completes her degree, and afterward, she would either start working or move back to our parents' home until she finds a job.
However, my GF expressed her belief that my sister (and whole family) is manipulating me and thinks I'm naive enough to send her money regardless of how she uses it. I started to feel increasingly annoyed and defensive by her accusations and asserted that it's my money, and I have the right to spend it as I see fit.
I then (stupidly) said that if she really wanted us to buy a house, she should save more and cut back on expenses like nice shoes, clothes, and purses. At this point, she became properly angry and declared that she couldn't stay in the same house as me, and said that she would be going to her friend's house.
Before leaving, she said, 'Call me when you stop thinking like a f*%#ing idiot,' before I could even think I replied, 'I won't be calling.' I feel that I may have irreparably damaged our relationship.
The OP again returned to update their original post a few hours later:
Update - Following the fight with GF, I reached out to my brother to confide in him about what happened. His take was pretty optimistic. However, he advised me to stand firm in my position while also remaining open to fully hearing out my girlfriend and considering the possibility of reconciliation.
He cautioned against contacting GF's friend to ask about her whereabouts (as it may smell of desperation), and instead said that he would come over (as he lives about an hour away) so we could spend some time together over a movie and dinner. At this point, I feel drained and numb. Its been a long day, and tbh I just want it over.
And again the OP provided additional information after his brother came over:
Update - My brother came by and bought dinner, we've been watching The Dark Knight (don't know why he chose that) since. Still haven't heard from GF or her friend. For those wondering, I'm a chemical engineer and GF has been paying about 2.5k/month to pay of her student loans.
Here were the initial comments from readers:
NTA. GF doesn’t have to agree. It’s your money. Be very careful purchasing a home without very clear agreements on finances. GF is a partner not a parent to tell you what to do then punish you when you don’t comply.
NTA: OP, Your personal priority is to ensure your sister gets through school; owning your own home is secondary. This is very reasonable as you currently have a place to live. Your girlfriend wants you to prioritize buying a house and wants to control your finances.
She is asking you to violate your ethics & personal commitment, and defer to her decision. No, this is not how things work in a relationship. Big Red Flag!
NTA but massive red flags getting thrown around your gf my man.
It would be one thing if you were sending so much money that it was affecting your own financial status. or if your sister was lying or taking advantage of you and/or your brother. or if your gf was also contributing money and no longer wanted to or if you were sending shared money!
But none of those things are an issue and literally your sister is just trying to exist in an expensive city and her extremely loving and generous brothers are choosing to support her ~bc they can and want to~. that's really beautiful.
You should really reconsider buying a house and continuing a relationship with someone who prioritizes her own desires so far over yours. She's seriously overstepping and disrespecting.
Unless she's not telling you some hidden fear or worry here that explains her bizarre self-centered stance, what she's trying to force you into is selfish, uncaring, and just icky.
Another update from the OP surfaced three days later:
WEEKEND UPDATE
Before I begin, I would like to thank everyone for responding to my original post. Your support and insights mean a great deal to me. I also want to provide some additional context about my relationship with my girlfriend (GF). We started dating in January of last year, officially becoming a couple by the end of March, and she moved in with me in May.
In hindsight, I must admit that the pace of our relationship was driven by my infatuation rather than the development of a deep connection. Her fun-loving nature and beauty had an influence on me, causing me to overlook the misalignment of our values.
Regarding GF's relationship with my family and friends, she seemed to get along well with everyone, although I feel that she never like my brother. My mother made significant efforts to make GF feel welcome, likely due to her desire for grandchildren.
On the other hand, my relationship with GF's friends and parents was different. I couldn't help but feel that they saw GF as being out of my league for some reason, and some of her friends even told me how lucky I should consider myself to have GF in my life.
There were also other warning signs that I chose to ignore, and I want to share them now: GF wanted to impose restrictions on how often I could visit my family throughout the year.
Less than a month after moving in with me, GF leased a BMW, contradicting her previous statements about wanting to pay off her student loans quickly. At the time, I found it strange but didn't raise any objections, thinking that GF deserved to treat herself after years of schooling.
Over the following months, she continued splurging on expensive clothes, shoes, purses, coats, and more. Looking back, I doubt she was completely honest about how she was managing her student loan payments.
GF regularly urged me to distance myself from some of my friends, citing reasons like them being bad influences or me spending too much time with them. When I mentioned that her friends didn't seem to think highly of me, she shrugged it off, claiming they only wanted what was best for her.
Fast forward to today. As most people recommended, I kept my word and didn't call GF. Instead, early this morning, around 5 am, she texted me, suggesting that we meet at a local cafe to discuss our future. I replied with a simple 'sure'.
The atmosphere felt tense but we did exchange brief curt greetings, before we dove straight into the conversation.
She began by expressing her hurt over my failure to call her, repeatedly emphasizing that I needed to be reasonable and prioritize our relationship above all else (I noticed her consistent use of 'you' instead of 'us' or 'we').
When I pointed this out, she claimed that her initiating this meeting was proof of her commitment and that if I were truly committed, I would have called her the moment she left. At that moment, I chose to remain silent, and I believe she interpreted my silence as her 'winning' the argument.
She then shifted the conversation to finances, bluntly stating that our best course of action was to ensure neither of us carried any debt. According to her, the only way to achieve this was with me to start paying some of her loans.
I insisted that this shouldn't interfere with my agreement to support my sister (if I did agree to pay her loans), but GF asserted that it would 'impede our progress as a couple.' I argued that supporting my family and progressing in our relationship should not be mutually exclusive. In response, GF declared that if we were both serious, I needed to make her center focus.
She then added that even if she did agree to allow me to continue supporting my sister, 'it wouldn't end there, as these things never do.' With this, she then began inquiring about my parents, pointing out their 'advanced' age and suggesting that they would soon require regular support.
Without hesitation, I firmly reiterated my stance, that if my parents ever needed any form of assistance, I wouldn't hesitate to offer it. She followed up by asking, 'Even if they wanted to live with you?' to which I replied, 'Yes.' She pressed further, asking, 'Even if I said they can't?' Once again, I responded, 'Yes.'
At that moment, GF stood up, saying that she was 'disappointed to see what kind of person I've become' and how she and her friends had always sensed there was something off about me. In response, I stated, 'If you believed that, you shouldn't have moved in.' She was unable to offer a retort to that.
She then began making remarks about how it was only a matter of time before I would beg her to take me back. I firmly told her that the only thing I would be asking was for her to take her belongings and return my keys.
She tossed the keys at me and before making several comments, asserting that she didn't need me, that I had wasted her time, and how I greatly disappointed her.
I said 'I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm no longer obligated to listen to you complain'. With that she stormed off. About an hour later, I got a text from one of her friends saying that they were coming (without GF) tomorrow to get her stuff. I'm hoping that once they do, I can put this whole thing behind me.
Here were the top rated comments after these multiple updates gave readers more insight:
Definitely NTA. OP does not share an account with the GF, so he is spending his own money. She does not get to dictate how he spends his money as long as shared expenses are covered. And they are.
NTA. GF doesn’t have to agree. It’s your money. Be very careful purchasing a home without very clear agreements on finances. GF is a partner not a parent to tell you what to do then punish you when you don’t comply.
NTA, reevaluate the relationship. You are even engaged and she is telling you how to spend your money. It only gets worse.
Almost a month later, the OP popped back up with their final update:
For a quick recap, I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago due to financial disagreements. To be honest, I felt pretty bad at first, but now I've been enjoying the peace and quiet that comes with being single. Things have been relatively carefree, and I have much more time to spend with my friends.
Since the breakup, I haven't seen my ex-girlfriend. Her friends came to collect her belongings, and since then, I haven't heard anything from them. That was until tonight.
Earlier today, I received a random text from one of my ex's friends, informing me that my ex would be coming by to collect a few forgotten books. Apparently, my ex still refuses to talk to me, so her friend had to deliver the message (even though she had no problem collecting the books herself).
After work, I quickly searched the house for the books. I hoped to find them and hand them to her at the door, but due to the existing mess in the house (and working late), I couldn't find them.
Around 7 pm, my ex showed up. It was incredibly awkward. I asked her to tell me where the books were so I could bring them to the door, but she insisted on retrieving them herself. Reluctantly, I agreed and politely asked her to grab her things and leave.
From the way she was walking and what she was wearing, I got the impression that she may have been trying to seduce me. To expedite her departure, I helped her search, and she made a comment about how it reminded her of when we used to clean together. I awkwardly chuckled in response.
Eventually, she found her books and jokingly asked if I had hidden them to make her stay longer. I sarcastically told her she was free to believe that if she wanted to, but since she found her books, our conversation was over.
She then said that she was willing to forgive me and take me back if I apologized. I refused and once again asked her to leave. She started yelling and crying, so I called her friends to come and get her.
Within five minutes, her friends arrived and collected her. They threw insults and nasty comments at me, accusing me of being a monster and so much other stuff, before finally leaving. I'm exhausted, but I think (hope/pray) things are might finally be over.
Here were the top rated comments from readers that followed this story to the end:
OMG she really hit all the spots in the bingo card for an abuser and a gold digger. Were her fancy purses and shoes all made from red flags? I kept wanting to scream “Run!” at him and am so glad he handled everything the way he did. Thank god she did not successfully separate him from his family.
You could tell she really thought she was going to get him back and seduce him at the end. As soon as it’s clear that’s not happening she just breaks character lol. Glad OP dodged the bullet.
The f*&^ed up thing about this is that he sounds like someone who will be a great partner. He clearly has good family values and a close family. He's making sure his siblings will also make good money. If she just kept her mouth shut for a couple years, she might have married into wealth and loyalty. She got too greedy too fast. Good for him to not fall for it.
Wow. What planet is the GF on?
'Ride of the wild ironies'
My favourite bit is this:
Before leaving, she said, 'Call me when you stop thinking like a fucking idiot,' before I could even think I replied, 'I won't be calling.'
I feel that I may have irreparably damaged our relationship.
She must have really had him under her thumb if he thought HE was the one that had irreparably damaged the relationship.