Man insists his niece be co-flower girl with fiancé's niece. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for insisting my niece is co-flower girl with my fiancé’s niece?"
My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. She comes from a large family. She has 5 sisters, most of them have kids. 4 of her sisters are her bridesmaids, one is serving as maid of honor. I come from a smaller family: just my parents, my sister and my niece, Brynn. Brynn is 3 years old and pretty much my best pal. I’m her godfather,I love her to bits.
I didn’t care when my fiancé didn’t choose my sister to be a bridesmaid and likewise my sister was cool with it. I did feel some sort of way because I have all 4 of my fiancé’s brother-in-laws in my wedding party (at fiancé’s request) but ultimately, it’s her side of the party, she can do what she wants.
Then it came time to pick the younger roles in the wedding. Her older nephews are junior groomsmen, the younger is the ring bearer. She only has one niece, Aubrey, who’s 4. My fiancé wants her to be the flower girl. I said that’s fine, but I also want Brynn to be one. They can walk down the aisle together, it’d be super cute. Brynn loves playing with Aubrey, so they get along.
My fiancé says she wants our wedding to be “traditional” so there can only be one flower girl. I suggested Brynn could hold a sign or something while Aubrey threw flowers. My fiancé said no, she can sit with my sister and parents.
At this point, I insisted and said Brynn would be flower girl. I texted my sister and asked, she agreed. My fiancé got pissed and I said it’s my day too, Brynn means a great deal to me and she’ll be in the wedding. My fiancée and Aubrey’s mom are mad at me, saying I’m stealing Aubrey’s spotlight. AITA?
People in the comments asked lots of questions, and encouraged him to dig deeper, thinking something sounds off about this. Here are some of the comments and responses:
jphamlore asks:
INFO: Are you two getting premarital counseling to do a general inventory on how you two agree or disagree on other issues. Because I have a sense that if you two did get such counseling, there would be a lot more issues uncovered.
arturomurphys response from OP:
We don’t have that planned. May be a good idea.
redditjdt asks:
NTA. Can you try to talk to your fiancé about give and take? Does she not like your sister? Something seems off here, and it may go on in your family life.
arturomurphys response from OP:
She likes my sister, and I know my sister likes her. They’re not close but get along.
My fiancé has had some jealously issues with Brynn. I am not as close with Aubrey, mainly because we don’t see her much. My fiancé also feels I’m “too close” with Brynn. My sister is a single mom, her husband passed, and I’m the only male role model in Brynn’s life.
I go to her ballet recitals, taught her how to ride her trike, babysit her overnight. It never interferes with time with my fiancé, but she thinks it’s weird.
FoolMe1nceShameOnU says:
It is deeply problematic when a grown woman has 'jealousy issues' with a 3-year-old AT ALL. It indicates a serious lack of maturity on the part of your fiancé, who SHOULD perceive your closeness with Brynn as an indicator of what a wonderful father you might one day be, and of how reliable and supportive a partner you will be.
That is how a mature, adult woman would see you stepping up for a young niece whose father passed away: as something to be proud of and impressed by.
arturomurphys response from OP:
You raise valid points. She keeps convincing me it’s weird and we’ve had several arguments. This is getting to be too much. I’m not losing Brynn for my fiancé.
Update from OP:
This morning, my fiancé and I sat down to talk about the wedding in general. I brought up Brynn and Aubrey. My fiancé just kept parroting “it’s tradition, let Aubrey have the spotlight”. She shot down compromise after compromise (Aubrey walks first, Brynn blows bubbles or holds a sign, etc).
Finally, my fiancé was honest. She doesn’t want Brynn in our wedding because Brynn has Down Syndrome. She said everyone will be looking at her, taking pity, etc. Turns out it wasn’t about a spotlight on Aubrey, but my fucking fiancé. I told her to fu**k herself, called her ableist and said don’t worry, there won’t be a spotlight to steal anymore because there’s no wedding.
I’ve left our apartment, staying at my sister’s and playing with Brynn. My phone has been blowing up with texts and calls from my fiancé. Magically she’s ready to compromise now. I need time but am likely done. Y’all were right.
And one final, long, heartfelt response to the update:
FoolMe1nceShameOnU says:
u/arturomurphys your update brought me to tears for unexpected reasons. I was glad that my comment had made you think, but as a person with a developmental disability (autism), your deep, abiding love and RESPECT for Brynn as a tiny human with Down Syndrome made me love you a little.
People like us get treated so inhumanely . . . I'm so proud that she gets to have an uncle like you who doesn't just love her unconditionally, but actually SEES HER VALUE in this world.
I am SO GENUINELY SORRY that what was meant to be one of the happiest times of your life has come to this, but so glad that you learned the truth before you tied yourself to someone who did not value your family the way you do. My wish for you is that you find someone who appreciates both you AND your sister and niece for the beautiful people you are.
In the meantime, thank you for giving me hope in humanity again. You are truly a special person.