'My GF wants to do things alone with her guy friends; this is a deal-breaker for me.' UPDATED
"Girlfriend wants to have guy friends and do things alone with them, I told her this is a deal-breaker for me in a relationship. Am I wrong?"
So I was dating a woman (I broke up with her over this about a month ago) for a bit and fell really deeply in love with her. She was perfect in almost every way, and I really enjoyed and cherished the time we spent together. She told me she has guy friends, which I don't really care about at all.
But then she hits me with this: "We travel and go on vacation together sometimes." I told her I don't care if she has friends who are guys, but going out and doing things alone with them, including things such as vacations, is not something I'm willing to accept with a woman I have a relationship with.
She then freaks out and suggests I'm trying to control her, and that I don't trust her. I explained that I do trust her at the moment, but I don't trust men.
Later on, she texts me that she's in a full-blown PTSD crisis because I'm trying to control her like her ex-husband. I explain I'm not trying to control her, and she has her own choices to make, but I can't accept her going on vacations with other men and stand firm on my boundaries. She then accuses me of crossing HER boundaries.
Then she shifts to explaining that she sometimes goes to tech conferences with other men, a totally different story from what she explained earlier about going on vacations with another woman's husband ("and she's totally okay with it because they trust each other 100%").
Then she says they don't share a hotel or anything, they just meet up at conferences. This is a different story because they apparently DID share the same hotel, even if it wasn't the same room.
I'm not jealous of the vacationing ability - I make a lot more money than both her and her friend combined, so that's something we could do, but she STILL wants to go on those vacations with guy friends.
This stuff all happened before I met her, but at this point I no longer had any trust in her due to mounting red flags, and the value of a relationship with her in my eyes dropped considerably... so I call off the relationship respectfully and leave, and apparently I caused her some serious PTSD trauma, and I'm an asshole. Am I wrong?
UPDATE:
I know a lot of y'all said things like "she's crazy," "she sounds nuts," etc. Honestly, I don't believe she is crazy. Mental health is a serious issue and we shouldn't ostracize those who are sick.
While I do know she had mental health problems, I do as well. We both suffered from PTSD, and I believe that yes, she is telling me the truth about having PTSD. Do I think she's weaponizing it? Maybe, but it didn't seem like a conscious effort.
She did try to manipulate me several times, but I chalk this up to her being very insecure and we actually talked through it maturely.
She is a beautiful and genuine person, both inside and out, but we aren't compatible. I've had enough experience with girls who date guy friends to set this as a boundary for myself to avoid women like that.
I need to be with someone who has enough agency to realize it's not a great idea to be vacationing with other straight men while in a committed relationship if the other partner is not comfortable with it.
Look, everyone has problems and nobody is perfect. She is free to live her life the way she wants, and I am free to do the same with my own life. I wish her the best, and I really hope she finds her other half.
Do you think he's in the wrong here? This is what top commenters had to say:
ricst said:
We all have boundaries and things that are deal breakers. She's allowed to have boundaries, and so are you. You're both adults, and she's free to do as she pleases. She's free to go on trips with other men, and you're free to say you're not ok with It and it's a deal breaker.
I dont understand how one person can have a boundary they don't want crossed, but then to the other person, it's controlling, and you have to be ok with it. Do what you want and I'll do the same, and if that means I'm leaving if you go on trips with other guys so be it.
ThatguyIncognito said:
Are we talking about conferences or vacations? Meeting up with male friends at conferences is normal and acceptable, to me. Going on vacation, on the other hand, is unusual and the sort of thing that inherently is going to cause suspicion. Vacationing alone with another man is intimate. Attending a conference isn't.
johndoe4000 said:
If you think your girlfriend can cheat on you on a vacation, then she can do this when you are not together at anytime.
TimeConstraints said:
"... she's in a full- blown PTSD crisis because I'm trying to control her like her ex-husband." Run away.
iamaweirdguy said:
When I first got with my girl, she had already planned a trip with a small group of her friends. It was one other couple and one guy. I told her I wasn’t exactly comfortable with that if we were gonna be together. Her compromise: invite me on the trip. We all had fun and we’re all friends to this day.
And CapitalG888 said:
I am confident and trust my wife. But, if she wanted to go alone on vacations with dudes? Nah. Why cant I come? There is really no reason to go on vacation with just friends when you are in a relationship unless for some reason one side wants to do a girl's only trip or guy's only trip.