Guy's GF wants to go on a camping trip alone with a guy she once hooked up with. UPDATED
"My [24 m] girlfriend [21 f] wants to go on an out of state camping trip alone with another guy [24 m]"
Here's the original post:
So I love my girlfriend. And I do trust her, but every girlfriend I've ever had has cheated on me and I'm terribly insecure about her spending alone time with someone in a situation like this.
We have been together for 2 years now. I met her my senior year of college because my college town was her hometown. I moved up to her college town to live with her after I graduated and I found a great job there. For months she's been talking about us going to Maine to camp for a week for vacation with one of her best friends, let's call him Kyle, and his girlfriend.
I've never met Kyle since she lives 2 hours from him now, but she was very open with me when I asked her about him. He's been one of her closest friends since middle school.
They liked each other for a bit throughout the years, and the summer after she graduated high school she slept with him, but it never went anywhere because she was going to school and he ended up meeting his this girl (his current gf, let's call her Anna) soon after. They've been together since.
So I was all down for a couples trip. Well recently I found out the week they had planned I'm being sent out of state for business and can't take off, and now Kyles girlfriend can't go either so it will be just my girlfriend and Kyle, on the coast of Maine, camping and spending alone time together for a week.
I asked her what Anna thinks of this and she said she's only met Anna a few times, that she knows my girlfriend and her boyfriend had a sexual past, but that it's ok because she trusts him and knows how excited my girlfriend and him are to catch up and see a new state.
I want to tell her no, but I can't be that boyfriend. It's the only week she has off between summer and fall semester, and she said her friend Kyle is moving to North Carolina for a new job in September so she will probably not see him for a long long time.
It wouldn't be fair to expect her to stay home her only week off from school because I have to go on a business trip either, but I can't help but feel it's unfair to me to run off with an old flame / current friend.
It just seems really off to me. I've never met this guy, I don't know his motives, and he's going to be sleeping with my girlfriend and our dog in a tent for a week. How do I tell her I don't want to go alone together without being a controlling douche?
What do you think?
This is what top commenters had to say:
montaron87td said:
Tell her you don't feel comfortable with her going alone with a guy. Make it about your feelings, not about her cheating.
"I want to tell her no, but I can't be that boyfriend." Yes you can. I would absolutely be uncomfortable with this. They have a sexual history, and them going on this scenic trip together is a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that she's shrugging off your feelings is the biggest red flag of all. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't even think going alone with my friend would be an option.
[deleted] said:
I'd let her go. If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat. You can try to stop it, but it doesn't change anything. She'd still have feelings for him, and you'd just be the obstacle that stood in her way. Or, she doesn't have feelings and you'll be the jealous bf. Let her go. If she comes back and nothing happened, awesome. If something did happen - as the muggles say, truth will out.
And stillclub said:
Dont lie to her and say it isnt a trust issue, it 100% is and thats fair but to say you trust her to not cheat is a lie so be honest with her and say you dont trust her or him to go alone.
After talking to his girlfriend, OP shared this update:
I decided to talk to her about my feelings and see how she dealt with them, telling her she needed to re expand it to a group trip and not share a tent alone with him. Here's how it went:
So she comes home, and she's so excited to show me the new climbing gear she bought for their trip. Great. I tell her we need to talk about the trip and Kyle, and she looks a little worried.
I prefaced the conversation asking more about her and Kyle's relationship. From what I gathered, they're closer than I thought, yet this actually reassures me. She was his rock when his dad died and he was hers when her best friend committed suicide. He has a place in her heart as a lifelong friend that no one else can fill, and I have one in hers as a lifelong partner that no one else can either.
I have to suck it up and live with that. She seems to really like Anna, and Kyle apparently really likes me from their talks. They're happy the other found a great person and realized they weren't compatible anyways and only tried it out of a loneliness thing after both losing important people. I can live with that.
So I tell her I know it's impractical but I don't want her sharing a tent with him. She says that's fine, completely reasonable of me to ask, and just wants to make me comfortable. She says she can try and pack lighter in other aspects. Cool.
So then I tell her the trip itself makes me uncomfortable, and why doesn't she invite someone else. She mentions that's ok, she can invite her friend "Ally" who just got back from Colorado! They can just bring the 4 person tent again for them three an the dog if Ally wants to go. Oh, but, ally's a very hot, very promiscuous lesbian and was my girlfriends first sexual encounter. Hmm nope. Anyone else?
Oh yeah, her friend Taylor maaaaybe, but she'd be kind of a drag. Oh that's okay, you used to hook up with Taylor too.
At this point I realize it boils down to the fact that I am jealous, and I don't want my girlfriend alone with anyone who is attracted to her. Not because I don't trust her, but because i have this messed up mentality that I have to prove myself and be there to claim her or something. If I want this relationship to work, I have to force myself to get over that. This trip will help.
So I tell her that, and she insists she doesn't have to go if I'm really that insecure. We can take baby steps and work on it together. No, I say, I want you to go. Enjoy your only week off, you earned it.
So we decided we are going to drive down there next weekend to Kyles. Were going to all hang out and properly meet, eat some dinner, drink some beers, play cards against humanity. Then Kyle and I will go out to the bars and get to know each other and her and Anna will do whatever they want to do. If I don't like him, I tell her and we will call it off. I think this will really help and make me comfortable.
In the end my girlfriends sexual past makes me uncomfortable but I'm sure mine from my fraternity days scares the shit out of her too. But just like I only have eyes for her know, I know it's the same. She's still not going to sleep in the same tent as him and said she can probably rent some single tents from the university outdoors club. Way cool!
You guys were all divided on whether to ask her to stay or let her go, but I think we found a good compromise to make us all feel better and still let her go.
And then, months later, he shared this second update:
So we drove the 2 hours to Kyle's place so I could meet him and Anna. I was pretty nervous to meet this guy but he was actually really nice. We all hung out for a bit, pounded back some drinks, talked, played a card game. I payed a lot of attention to the dynamic between those three.
My girl had said she didn't know Anna too well but when she got there she ran up and gave them both a hug and you could swear her and Anna had been friends forever. Her and Kyle reminisced a lot about high school and caught up and Anna didn't look uncomfortable at all about their friendship.
So we're just hanging out for a while all getting to know each other and I had a good time. We get some pizza and our girls are already getting pretty drunk. Kyle and I decide to head out to a bar and our girls are going to go to some party since Anna had no clue where her ID was.
So we go and this kid is buying me drinks the whole night. Turns out we have a lot in common, and he felt like quite a kindred spirit. We talked about music and skating and had a pretty good talk. He told me he's proposing to Anna once him and my gf get back from Maine, and how excited he is to start a new life with her in another state and yadda yadda.
The drunker her got, the more he went on about how wonderful she was which was pretty nice I guess? He also talked a lot about how he's so sad we couldn't go anymore because he was looking forward to backpacking with us all and it just won't be the same without Anna there and how my gf says it won't be the same without me there.
At one point there was a group of these really drunk girls trying to talk to us and invite them to their place to hang out he pretty much told them to F off. When they left he went on about he hates sluts and the bar scene and how on earth could people possibly find a connection with someone in one night.
He tried to reassure me him and my girlfriend had no feelings for each other, and them hooking up was a really messed up point in their life and he's upset he even jeopardized a childhood friendship to mix something like that in the picture at the time.
That his dad had just died and that she had just lost her best friend to suicide and was self-harming, that they were screwed up, lost, lonely, and desperately trying to fill a void that really couldn't be filled at that point.
He also told me he's really glad she found me and that I make her so happy and that he hasn't seen her so happy in his life. That he really cares about her so he's glad she's got someone who makes her light up the way I do.
So we go to another bar, both run into some friends and play some pool. This kid just kept buying shots against my request and I don't really remember too much after this. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night on Kyle's futon alone, rolling balls.
It's like 4 am. I get up to use the bathroom, and to see where my girlfriend and Kyle and Anna are. His bedroom light's on and I hear these really weird noises? Like gasping noises? I'm starting to worry.
Get off the futon, almost trip over Kyle who is passed out on the floor. Okay. Go into his bedroom, and there's my girl and his girl, in his bed..... You know where this is going right?
Yeah they're watching A WALK TO REMEMBER and crying and holding each other and wiping tears from each others faces. I can't make this sh!t up. Apparently we ended up going to this party after and meeting up with the girls and I think everything went better than expected?
When we got back home Anna and my girl were texting constantly about how they wished they live closer and it's so rare to find girls they get along with and all that sh!t. So I decide, yeah, I'm definitely going to let her go on this trip. And I did.
She ended up borrowing 2 single person backpacker tents from people in her university outing club she's friends with and off she went. I had a great time on my work trip. They stopped at an e-cafe once they got out of the woods to send us a big album of pictures and they looked like they had a lot of fun.
They found this place on the coast where the sand was all black and my girlfriend brought some home for me as well as a really nice hand-made hunting knife she bought from some old biker dude they met. They even took the time to draw this big picture in the sand that said "We miss you "OP" and "Anna"!" which I thought was sweet.
I can say, I truly, honestly believe no form of betrayal happened from either party on that trip. This guy seemed like a really genuine guy when I visited. He posted pictures a few days ago of him proposing to his girlfriend, and even texted me that he can't wait to see me and my girl at the wedding next summer.
Anna and my girl still text all the time and I really just find it hard to believe that a) my girl would do that to Anna and still be her friend now, b) Kyle would cheat on someone he wants to marry, c) that my girlfriend and Kyle did actually have feelings for each other still/real feelings ever, and d) that Kyle was lying to me.
I know for certain that she would have told me if anything happened and I really just didn't get that vibe from these people. I could see why he was her best guy friend, he was a really genuine, giving soul.
I'm really happy that I got over my insecurities and trusted her. I think this has made me a lot more secure in our relationship and don't think this was an emotional betrayal at all. I've learned to let her have her own life a bit more and letting go has lifted a big weight off my shoulders.
We're currently planning for a short winter trip to the Smokey Mountains over her Christmas break (just us), and I got my promotion and am taking over the office in October. Life is good!