'AITA for hiring a nanny even though my wife doesn't work? This situation is toxic.'
"AITA for giving up and hiring a nanny even though my wife doesn't work?"
ThrowawyTri
My (45M) current wife "Alicia" (29F) is the stepmother of my two kids (10F, 8F). My kids' biological mom died 2 years ago from a rare form of cancer called mesothelioma. From diagnosis to losing her it was just over 4 months.
The hospital that had treated my late wife offered grief support groups that specialized in helping kids deal with their grief. I decided to take my kids to the support groups. Alicia was working in the gift shop of the hospital, so we'd pass each other regularly.
My kids were also getting private sessions with a social worker. So, I'd sit in the coffee shop and could see Alicia from there. One day I struck up a conversation. One thing led to another and we married 6 months ago.
When I was married to my late wife, I never imagined that my kids would need a nanny, but we started off poor. Things have changed financially. Alicia is a great person who helped me get out of my shell and socialize. Always getting me thoughtful gifts.
However, she admitted she didn't anticipate the thankless, backbreaking tasks that come with raising kids. Her mom did everything for her growing up, so she doesn't know how to cook. But, neither do I. She didn't drive much so the thought of carpool lanes makes her want to tear her hair out.
Kids can also be fickle. Alicia ordered pasta for them once and my older daughter asked if she could make it like her mom did and that really set everything off on the wrong foot.
The final straw was when my younger daughter got sick. My wife and I were scrambling because neither of us knew how to make the special soup my daughter wanted and Alicia had never cared for a sick person other than me and I just grin and bear it.
I ended up sending Alicia to a hotel because, if she got sick, I probably would too and I also didn't want her getting sick, period.
I realized this was a toxic situation and that I did not marry my wife because I needed a cook or a maid- I did not need her to be what my first wife was to love her. After that, I told the girls we would be hiring a nanny. We were already outsourcing cleaning so the nanny agreed to take care of the kids and cook meals.
My daughters were upset and, even though the nanny we hired was the sweetest older woman, they asked why Alicia wasn't taking them shopping or watching TV with them.
School just started and both kids are already sick. The nanny was supposed to be off but my older daughter heard Alicia saying she was calling the nanny because this was her area of expertise. She got upset and said she didn't need a nanny.
I asked if the nanny was mean and she said no. Alicia got upset and told her to show all the adults some respect. Then my younger daughter started crying.
AITA for hiring a nanny? I think my daughters need to be kinder to the situation. I watch the nanny cams- the nanny is not being abusive. Since she came, I am less stressed, Alicia is less stressed and she doesn't feel like she's being forced into a home economics class where it's all about what she's doing wrong.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
ggrandmaleo
Info: What have you done to help your kids deal with the loss of their mother? It doesn't sound like you're doing any parenting at all.
SnooWords4839
He put them in therapy and had coffee with his future bedwarmer.
ggrandmaleo
So he outsourced that, too.
HedyHarlowe
You met your new wife accessing grief support services at the hospital your first wife died at. You married quickly, and didn’t stop to think if the new, younger wife was a good fit for your children. You can’t outsource emotional intelligence and sound decision making. YTA.
Potential_Shelter624
YTA for not giving your kids a chance to bond with your wife before getting married. The nanny is the only good idea you’ve had so far.
Driftwood256
N T A for hiring a nanny...But YTA for just about everything else... and so is your new wife...
First, seems pretty clear you married too soon, if you're discovering all this after you're married... unless forming a family with the 4 of you is unimportant? which is the sense I'm getting... ie: you want a wife, but don't really care if she's a mother for your kids...
Second, YTA for blaming your kids in any of this...Your wife is the AH for how she treats your kids, and her general incompetence at life... she appears to lack maternal instincts as well, so... good choice there by you, what with your 2 preteen daughters, looking for a mother figure.
Also, sounds like the daughters simply don't like this nanny... so that sounds like its going to go great. That might be because they want more from Alicia... or it might just be a bad fit with this nanny, in which case, its probably worth considering trying a different nanny...
DragonCelica
NTA Wanting kids is not the default setting for a woman. He assumed that wanting kids was automatically part of your relationship, without ever telling you that. You addressed it in your profile specifically to avoid that mindset.