Couple learns daughter isn’t biologically either of theirs after paternity test. Updated 2X
"My (29F) husband (31M) got a paternity test on our daughter (5F) and it came back negative, but I never cheated. Now he thinks our relationship is a lie and wants to divorce. What do I do?"
fullyfaithfulwife
I don't know how it happened and I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I never cheated. I love my husband, we've been together since college and he's the love of my life, he's handsome and kind and while I've slept with two other people, both were before we got together.
There is no other potential father for our daughter. We were married already and actively trying for a baby. I never cheated, I never would cheat, and I don't know why he took that stupid test because I would never, ever cheat, but it came back negative and now he thinks he's not her dad.
I don't know how to convince him it was a faulty test and I'm so scared. These past few months it's like he's become someone completely different from the man I married. He's cold, and suspicious.
He kept demanding to see my phone, and wouldn't tell me why, and I showed him at first but eventually told him I wouldn't anymore unless he explained why. He's been distant with our daughter too. He stays in his office for hours on end, and I don't know what he's doing. I did not cheat.
He accused me this morning, saying he'd done the test after realizing that our daughter's eyes (brown) wouldn't naturally come from ours (both blue) and that he wanted me to get out of the house. I didn't leave and he locked me out of our bedroom and now I'm in my daughter's room. This is terrifying. What should I do?
Edit: The specific advice I want is how I can prove I'm innocent and how to make sure this relationship works. I want to keep my family together at all costs. Also, I just had a conversation with my husband. He's out of his room now, and we discussed some things.
I told him again that I would never cheat and started talking about a list I made of tests I want done, but he told me that he didn't want to hear it right now. We're going to have a longer conversation tomorrow and he said that he still loves our daughter, and he won't try to keep me out of the house or our room for now.
I asked him to hug me and he did. I'm scared that I won't be able to convince him. I just want our family to go back to normal. How can I be a good wife and support his needs while proving my innocence?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
mcmurrml
Get DNA for all three of you in case the hospital switched babies. Make sure she is your as well.that sounds crazy but it could happen. Use a different reputable company. Do not tell them anything.
Ns53
It's also possible that the father could have chimerism. Meaning he could have different DNA in his sperm cells when he does in the rest of his body. Rare but possible.
Mountain_Flow3472
The only way to prove you’re innocent is to have your daughter tested again. Also, you yourself, should DNA test your daughter to make sure she’s yours biologically as well. Seems far fetched, I know, but just rule out all possibilities.
Janeite84
He's lying (and possibly faking the test results, most likely because he's cheating and/or trying to leave you). Or you're lying. Or the test results were mixed up or there was a serious error somewhere.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: My (29F) husband (31M) got a paternity test on our daughter (5F) and it came back negative, but I never cheated. Now he thinks our relationship is a lie and wants to divorce. What do I do?"
fullyfaithfulwife
Hi everyone. First off, I wanted to thank everyone who reached out, my original post got so much attention, it was hard to get to everything, but I ended up making a list of plans, and tests I wanted to get done.
My husband was (understandably) distrustful of me for a while, but he apologized for the way he acted (which I didn't need) and said that he wouldn't try to kick me out of our home. He did say, though, that if every test came back and I'd cheated, then he was going to "go scorched earth."
We did a few tests. Blood paternity tests for him and me, and our daughter, and we had an appointment with a chimerism specialist coming up, but that got canceled because, well, some of you guessed it, but my daughter is not biologically mine either.
I don't know how this happened, but a police officer came to our house and took our statements, and we're suing the hospital where I gave birth. I don't know what happened to my baby, and that is terrifying.
I have my husband back, but my whole world was still upended, and I just wish he'd never taken that stupid test. I've been sleeping in my daughter's room, and I'm so afraid that she's going to be taken away from me, but at the same time I want to know where my biological daughter is, and if she's okay. I pray to god she's okay.
My daughter still doesn't know the details, and we've been trying to keep this quiet. The last thing we need is a big scandal. I don't want people who know us to look at her differently.
She deserves better than that, she's such a good kid, and she's not some spectacle to be gawked at. If we can find her birth family, I have no idea what we'll do. I guess the best case scenario would be to get a bigger house and all live together, but I don't know if we can afford that, or if they'd go for that, or even if we'll be able to locate them, or if I'm just crazy.
This whole situation is crazy. I don't know anyone else who's been in a situation like this. I mean, are there support groups for parents of kids who got mixed up? I googled and nothing came up. Literally all I'm getting are tabloid articles from trashy magazines that slap the faces of innocent kids on the same pages as celebrity scandals, and fiction.
How do we tell our daughter? I mean we can't tell her now, she'll tell the kids at school and then it'll be everywhere, but we have to say something. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Azerate2016
Terrible situation but at least your husband no longer thinks you cheated on him. Remember that regardless of blood ties, your daughter has been with you for 5 years and the test results don't make her any less 'yours'. All the best!
The OP responded here:
fullyfaithfulwife
She's mine. I'm never letting her go. I'm just so, so scared someone's going to try and take her away from us.
hariseldon2
Usually in these situations the children don't switch families but the families come together with frequent visits. Sounds like a nightmare all the best for you.
A little under a week later, the OP returned with a surprising contribution from her husband.
"My Husband Saw My Post"
fullyfaithfulwife
Hello, everyone. So, apparently a Youtuber my husband watches called Mark Narrations decided that it would be a fun idea to read my post on his channel. My husband recognized the story, because, well of course he recognized the story, how could he not?
This doesn't happen every day. Then he went on my account page. Then he found quite a few comments about him that were not exactly... nice. And now, he has asked me for a chance to post his side of the story on this account, so that people stop trashing him. Please be nice.
So, I don't know how many of you have been down a self doubt rabbit hole before, but it's not the most logical place to be. It's even less logical when you have the whole internet telling you that your wife is cheating, and that she's planning to take the house, and take you for all you're worth, and never really loved you, and you always sorta thought she was too good for you anyway.
So you end up seeing everything as a sign of infidelity, and then you get not one, but two failed paternity tests on your daughter. When Covid happened, I got fat. I got depressed. I stopped feeling like a person. My wife stayed beautiful. She stayed herself. I was sure that she'd made a mistake. That she'd regret being with me.
I started getting into some online groups, especially on reddit, that were full of guys who'd been cheated on, lost custody, lost everything, and when someone said that his tip off was that he and his wife both had blue eyes and their son had brown, I felt stupid.
I did not want to jump to conclusions, but when I made a post about my fears, everyone said that she was cheating. People said not to say anything, because she'd use it to hide her cheating and get ahead of me on the divorce.
I got the test and I didn't really think it'd come back negative. Then it did. I didn't want to believe it, but yeah, I pulled back. I felt betrayed. I wanted to be a good husband but I couldn't shake this.
I tried to find evidence of an affair, and failed. I got another test. When that one was also negative, I snapped. If you've ever been cheated on, you know what it feels like.
When my wife denied it, I got angrier. I just wanted her to leave. I didn't want to go through what everyone seemed to think was going to happen. I didn't want to lose custody of my kid.
I didn't want to lose my house. I was scared, and angry, and I wanted the truth. I felt like if she couldn't even be honest there was no getting past this. I took a few hours to calm down.
When she came back with a list of tests to take, I tried to keep my cool. I tried to keep my cool for so long. I know I was wrong about the affair, but so was everyone else in my ear.
My kid is genuinely not biologically mine. I didn't immediately consider that switched at birth was an option. I've been through a messed up time, and I don't think getting angry one time because I thought my wife cheated and was lying about it makes me a monster.
Hi, it's Fullyfaithfulwife here again! I just want to say that 1. I agree that he's not a monster or anything of the sort. 2. I do not agree that he's fat. I love this man very much and have for ages, and we are not going to let this situation break our marriage. Thank you to everyone for all your help.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
swankycelery
This is not the update I expected, not in a million years.
4MuddyPaws
Omg…can’t they get a lawyer to petition the court to get the hospital get all records of babies born that day that are female, have the hospital eat the expense of the testing? This is a class action suit against the hospital, as they are 100% at fault.
gigantesghastly
Nightmare. OP is now on legal advice asking for help but I feel so bad for her. The only useful advice she’s got from there so far is get off this forum and keep looking for a lawyer that will respect your wish for privacy.
red_earaches
What a nightmare! How on earth can this happen in this day and age?!
runningpuppies
This is a generally horrifying situation, but I also wish people understood that genetics are way more complicated than the Punnett squares you learn in high school and that it is, in fact, possible for two blue-eyed parents to have a brown-eyed child.
jdro120
This is why when my daughter was born four months ago, me, my wife, and the baby each had matching bracelets put on by the hospital immediately. The baby actually had 3. One tied to her medical records for medication, and 2 identifying ones, one on the wrist and one on the leg. She also never left the room without one of us. Hospital took this VERY seriously.
thundaga0
I thought it was gonna be a medical thing like Chimerism or something. This is much worse.