Husband leaves pregnant wife; says, 'I had to make sure I don't love you anymore.' CONCLUDED
"I ignored my husband so much that he went away without telling me."
An0nymous_stories
I (Carla 30) am 6months pregnant with mine and my husband's (Harry 31) first child. During this pregnancy, I've been very exhausted every day and would usually come home from work and go to bed an hour later, then I'd wake up at midnight and reheat what Harry had made us for dinner.
For context, I've been part of a huge work project that's been going on for months, and I've been extremely overworked. On top of this, my husband doesn't have a job at this moment and isn't looking for one unless I remind him. I've been working overtime to get as much money as I can before maternity leave.
Our anniversary was on the 6th of August and I'd asked him if we could have a romantic dinner at home and then snuggle up to watch TV under a warm blanket. I thought it was a wonderful idea since I was too tired to go out and because I knew that Harry was doing most (if not, all) of the household chores. However, he seemed a little annoyed when he agreed, but I thought nothing of it.
The next morning, Harry seemed quite cold towards me and barely looked me in the eyes. Once I got home from work, he wasn't there, but that was normal since he could have been out with friends or at an interview, and so I went to sleep. I woke up at 11 that night to see that I was still alone in the house so I checked my phone.I had about 8 missed calls from Harry and a long text.
I'm summarising but the text read: 'I understand how tired you are because of this pregnancy and you having to work extra hours most days, but I'm over being ignored every day and having a five minute conversation with you every so often. You expect me to do all the housework AND plan our boring anniversary ALONE. I'm really annoyed so I'm staying at a friend's tonight, text me when you see this.'
Of course I called him and texted him about being sorry and wanting to talk, but I never got an answer. In the morning, I called my boss about having a day off and spent most of it waiting for Harry and planning my apology.
However, when he came home, he silently handed me a rose and a card saying that he loves me but needs a few days away from me to figure out what he's going to say/do. Then, those days became a week. This part happened on the 13th, 8 days later.
I messaged him every day and he would constantly say that he needed one more day, or just another night at his friends to figure this all out. But, on the 13th, I decided to go to the friend's home he was staying at to confront him.
So I drove over (nearly 30mins away) and banged on the door so hard that I could hear it echo from inside. By this point, I'd realised that I should have put more effort into our relationship, but he also should have talked to me about this instead of running away.
Harry's friend came to the door and was confused but pleased to see me. He seemed a little on edge as I talked to him and he had to break the silence every so often with comments about my pregnancy and how he couldn't wait to meet the baby.
Finally, we stopped talking and I practically demanded to see Harry, saying that I wanted to apologise but also explain how childish he was being by hiding from me.
The thing that I found absolutely hilarious (but actually not at all) was that his friend said that Harry wasn't there and had left for Ireland on the 9th. IRELAND! To say I was absolutely beyond furious and extremely confused would be such an understatement. His friend invited me in and sat me down to talk.
Turns out that Harry had told his friend of our problems and that he had come up with the solution of going on a holiday as a couple to sort everything out and 'learn to love each other again' (in Harry's words).
So, of course, his friend thought that is was a lovely idea and helped him to book the flight on the evening of the 5th (the first time he had stayed at his friend's house). Since it was a last-minute booking, Harry's friend had stayed up with him for quite a while before they found a flight that was able to take a few more passengers due to cancelled tickets.
His friend then explained how he'd been confused when I arrived at the door but didn't want to say anything about the holiday in case it had ended early due to us arguing. Harry's return ticket is booked for the 20th of August! I am just so angry and quite heartbroken to be completely honest!
I messaged him the moment his friend had finished talking and Harry only responded an hour ago with nothing more than a 'Had to figure things out. Sorry.' So now I'm home alone, again, and trying to figure out what I'M going to do/say when he gets home.
Side note: I'm from the UK, so Ireland isn't as far as people think it is since I'm not American. But it is still. SO. FAR.
Other side note: A question that keep repeating is 'where did he get the money from without you noticing' so I'll leave my explanation from the comments here.
He has a bank account with his money from when he worked as a teenager and a little into his 20s (before we met), and a few years ago, we agreed not to touch that money and add to it every so often. It was a backup backup savings account- so I'm assuming that he took the money from there since it wasn't from the joint account. Anyway, thanks for reading about how my life is going.
'Here's another note, 6 hours later.'
An0nymous_stories
I knew this post would get attention but I assumed it would only be a little. I've never used Reddit before but I've seen it on TikTok a few times so I thought posts only became popular on there, and maybe this one would get as popular as my AITA post (not very). I was upset when I posted this and didn't think about how I'd handle all of the judgements and conspiracies once I'd calmed down.
I appreciate the hard truths, empathy, and/or advice given to me, but I am not divorcing him, changing the locks, calling a lawyer or anything like that.
SMALL UPDATE
An0nymous_stories
(It’s the 17th now) I’ve had a LONGER think. I’m not deciding anything until our talk, but I DEFINITELY won’t be staying in my home with him after this- I can’t trust him not to run away again. I’ll talk more about this on my actual update, but I’ve gained some self respect and realised he’s being an AH.
I talked to my mum and she’s happy for me to move in with her on the 21st and I’m free to stay for as long as I need to. So, I'm going to post an update just to clear the air when I can (hopefully the day/day after Harry is home. 20th/21st?) and then delete this all a day or two later, or I'll forget to.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Peanutsandcheese2021
How many tickets did he book? Is he alone?
The OP responded here:
An0nymous_stories
2 tickets as far as his friend knows, and I don't know who he took with him, but I'd like to assume it's a different friend or a relative or that it just wasn't used.
ayymahi
That’s weird, that’s suspicious...
ozziejean
Am I missing something? So you, at 6 months pregnant, are busting your arse working long hours to save for your maternity leave, and support your unemployed, unmotivated husband. You are so exhausted you fall asleep an hour after you get home (from exhaustion not from just wanting to ignore him from what you said.)
If response, he takes money from the saving account you both contributed to and goes on a holiday to Irelend.... and you are the one expected to apologise to him?! You are the one that deserves the apology.
erbush1988
Guess I'd be waiting at the airport with a sign with his name on it. Just stand their casually and tell him you are his ride, lol.
z-eldapin
OP - you absolutely need to be at the airport to see who he went to Ireland with.
juliaskig
If I were OP, I would literally not care one iota who he was with. It would be over for me.
Mmoct
This! her husband abandoned her at 6 months pregnant because he wasn’t getting attention and resented that his pregnant wife was exhausted. And he leaves the country without telling her? WTH is he 5? What if she had a medical emergency?
I’m guessing he’s going to be jealous of his kid once they are born because his wife will be busy caring for an infant and not catering to his “needs” and OP is actually blaming herself because of her AH of a husband’s behaviour 🤦🏻♀️
Just around a week later, the OP returned with a long, more informative update.
'(UPDATE) I ignored my husband so much that he went away without telling me'
An0nymous_stories
I want to start this out by saying that a lot of questions have been answered since Harry came home yesterday evening. The main one being that he did use the second ticket, but for his sister.
For the last few days, Harry's friend has been living with me and helping me through this. One way was that he scheduled a couples and individual councillor for Harry and I. I have also been calling my mum everyday since the 13th and with the one counselling session.
Harry's friend, and my mum are giving me the same advice, I scheduled an early maternity leave with a slight bonus to each paycheque because off all my overtime and unpaid help. I officially leave work in 4 days.
Back to yesterday, Harry's friend went to pick Harry up and sent me photos of who he was with as reassurance that it was his sister, Tiff (not her real name).
When they arrived, I'd prepared dinner and cleaned the downstairs of our home so that we could have a civillised conversation without hunger or distractions to stop us. Harry looked extremely tired and he seemed to be on the verge of crying the moment I opened the door to them all.
I was incredibly patient for the sole reason of being able to get through this discussion in one piece, and so when Harry wouldn't speak, I let Tiff explain why she had gone with him.
Tiff is a lovely lady who helped me through the few months before my pregnancy. However, Harry didn't stay in close contact with her and I lost touch when the work project started. Because of this, she had no clue about anything going on until Harry called her and said that he had a spare ticket to Ireland.
At first, she was reluctant since she knew that I was pregnant, and so she tried to ask why he would leave and if I was with someone who could care for me. Eventually, Harry snapped and told her the real reason he was going away, and so she joined him to make sure that he knew it was wrong, but also to help him through all the emotions that he was feeling.
She was the reason that Harry came back to me. If she hadn't of gone with him, then Harry admitted that he might have moved to Central London or a small village in the country side to hide from this. It took everything in me not to cry when she admitted that, and I could clearly see the shame on Harry's face.
"I'm not going to recite everything word for word, and so I'll quickly clear up some things:"
- 1: Harry DID use the backup savings account like I thought to pay for the tickets.
- 2: The reason that Harry's friend didn't see who the other ticket was for was because once they had found the tickets, Harry's friend went to bed.
- 3: Tiff was by Harry's side the entire holiday in Ireland and confirmed without a doubt, that this wasn't to find a fling. They spent most of the days in the cheapest hotel room possible in silence before Harry started talking about everything.
- 4: When we met and married- Harry was a loving, hardworking, job-having man whose only dream was to have a wonderful family, and then retire to one of those cute stone villages in the South of England.
After an hour, Harry finally spoke up. Tiff and Harry's friend went into the living room but I never realised how strange it would feel to be with Harry again.
He confessed that he'd stopped loving me a month into my pregnancy. It wasn't to do with the fact that I was sick all the time, dirty as a mole, or wouldn't stop talking about the baby. He just didn't have a reason.
Since he couldn't think of why he stopped loving me, he assumed that the love would come back in no time, that maybe it was some delusion caused by the stress of a baby on the way.
Over time, that love didn't come back and he started feeling incredibly guilty and alone in it all, which is when he got fired from his job. He told me it was because his work performance was belittled by new management, but it was really because he was too trapped in his feelings to think of anything but how much he still didn't love me.
Then, he never tried to get a job, because sitting at home without me (since I had to work more) was much better than sitting at work and possibly getting fired again. He came to love how he had alone time until the moment that he FELT alone.
That was when he refused to work, just so he wouldn't have to see me. He wanted to sit and wait and see how long it would be before I CAME TO HIM! The trip was to 'test the waters'. It was to see if life would be better without me. He still hasn't decided.
In his whole explanation, he kept emphasising how he didn't love me and said it like I was a child who needed to hear something a thousand times just to understand it. He never apologised. In a rough way, I was shocked, distraught. If you have a word to describe that awful emotion, then I felt it. I cried, I shouted, I cried again and we sat in silence until I could talk.
Then I told him how I could NEVER trust him again. HOW could I possibly trust him not to walk out on me or the baby? How could I trust him to tell me these things or explain his emotions or to see the story from both sides? How could I possibly work myself to the bone again for an unloving husband?
And so I made the decision for him. We would go to couples counselling, not to be a better couple, but just to understand each other and learn to communicate properly while together and to other people. No matter what, our lives would always involve each other because of the marriage and baby, and so we need to be able to TALK.
I've moved into my mum's home and I'm free to stay for as long as I need to. My mum is helping me to make the spare room into a nursery and is being the most amazing, supportive, incredible mum anybody could be.
Tiff and I are going to stay in closer contact and Harry's ex-friend said that he can be the appointment driver and is going to be my second emergency contact. As for when I'm in labour, my mum will be with me, and Tiff and Harry's ex-friend will be waiting to meet the baby and to stop Harry from even seeing the delivery room.
Finally, I made it clear to Harry that we will separate for now but WILL divorce/remain separated after the baby is born. I will make sure that he is NOT mentioned on my emergency contacts. He cant be trusted to show up or even be where he says he is.
I'm not going to update this anymore since I have things to do and a baby to prepare for. Thank you for sticking around and reading this all, I'll respond to whatever comments I see/want to, but those are all I'll say after this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this final update:
sapphire611
Harry sucks. Point blank. Even if he fell out of love, he chose about the most self-centered way he could possibly conceive to handle it and his ‘apology’ sounds like a traumatizing event to sit through. I honestly doubt he has enough empathy for other people to have understood what love really is in the first place. A lack of love would never be an excuse to be this uncaring to anyone, especially your pregnant wife.
I feel so bad for OP. This is going to be so hard for her to get through, but I really hope she does and she later finds someone who genuinely loves her, is reliable, and lets her feel taken care of as well.
Harry is so immature, I honestly don’t know how much any of that therapy will result in him growing into someone who can be a good romantic partner. I just hope he does better as a coparent somehow as a result.
I lean more towards hoping nobody ever dates him seriously/loves him romantically again unless he does a 180 on his empathy and sincerely regrets how awfully he treated OP.
Famous_Tap_3971
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope these days he's been away have helped you realize that you'll be fine without him in your life. Take care!
saltybruise
Sorry babe I didn't love you so much I got fired. I know it's crazy but anyway I'm going to Ireland, bye.
knittedjedi
'he never tried to get a job, because sitting at home without me (since I had to work more) was much better than sitting at work and possibly getting fired again'
nustedbut
I had some sympathy for him in the first post but that disappeared hard in the update. Running away like that was soo stupid even the crayon-eating Kevin on the other post from today, is giving this idiot the side eye.