'WIBTA if I told my wife we do not make enough money for her to be a SAHM?'
"WIBTA if I told my wife we do not make enough money for her to be a stay-at-home mother?"
chemist1928
I (28m) recently finished my PhD and my income rose significantly (from $35,000 to $73,000). My wife (26f) also moved jobs and increased her pay (from $40,000 to $50,000.)
We recently welcomed our third child into our home, and our daycare expenses rose to $1000 a month, which ends up being a little less than half of my wife's take-home pay. Also, for context we share finances completely, so when I say "my pay" or "her paycheck" to us it is really just our money.
My wife told me that she would like to stay home with the children following this school year (she works as a teacher). I told her we could try to make it work and we started budgeting to live on only my income without her check. We still pay daycare with her check, but that is all.
The rest of her check we pay extra on our debt ($40,000 in consumer debt, $110,000 mortgage debt). The last month we have been able to do this, but it is much tighter financially than we would like to have it.
If you notice, our incomes combined a couple years ago totaled $75,000, which is close to my income alone now. So we are essentially living on our old incomes, but with 3 children to care for and with significant inflation.
I am sad that we are struggling so much with this new budget. I want to tell my wife that I'd like her to continue to work so that we can have an easier life with more margin. I am worried, however, that it would be an a**#ole move to tell her to keep working when I know she is a great mother and is really struggling with wanting to stay home with them.
The only other option we have as far as money is to reduce our retirement contributions to give us more margin (I contribute 8% pre-tax, employer matches 8%, then I do an additional 8% in Roth). I don't want to reduce these contributions because I want us to be able to retire comfortably.
WIBTA if I told my wife that I am not comfortable with our budget on only my income, and that I would like her to continue working to give us more financial margin in our lives?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Dry_Sandwich_860
NTA. The numbers just don't add up, unfortunately. That's not your fault or your wife's, but the reality is that you can't afford for her to stay home. Don't say "you can't stay home," but do communicate the message more gently. Maybe "I can't get these numbers to add up."
Is there any way she could get a part-time job that would pay more? Or work where the kids would get daycare (since she is an education professional)? I hope you can make this work eventually, but if you just graduated, that won't be this year. Good luck.
ljhendricks
Yeah my mom basically worked part time at her full time job when me and my siblings were young. Worked half days when we were really young, about 25-30 hours of work a week but would do the equivalent of 40 hours of work in that time when we were kids so she could be home by the time we got off school.
She then went back to regular full time hours know we all had made it to middle school…maybe you wife could talk to her job and see if she could work something out.
PurpleMarsAlien
INFO: OMG how are you only paying $1000/month with three kids in daycare? I mean, back when my 17yo was an infant, the cheapest daycare for infants was $1000/month for him alone.
The OP responded here:
chemist1928
I figured someone would ask that. One of the kids is in school so it's only two in daycare. We live in a fairly rural area, so everything is much cheaper than city folks have to pay.
We also bought a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house that is not a townhouse and has a fenced in backyard, we paid $128,000 for it, and that is during the crazy time when all the home prices were going up. If we had bought it in 2018 it would have been an $80,000 home.
He_Who_Is_Person
NTA. You should not have to impoverish the family because your wife decided she wants to be a SAHM. And if she is a SAHM, the children will not be getting the early socialization that daycare provides and makes proper school easier later.
Moreover, it would endanger the family. If you were laid off, you would have no income. You have a mortgage to pay. You can't become homeless with kids. Etc.
DrunkGoibniu
YWBTA if you told her she cannot be a SAHM. YWNBTA if you discussed this further with her, and explained your concerns about how you'll not be able to adequately make ends meet. You both need to compromise and discuss this.