Man asks for advice about fiancé who 'only wants to party.' UPDATED & CONCLUDED
"My Fiancé Of 11 Years Only Wants To Party..."
I’m (28M) and not too big a fan of posting things online, so let’s see how this goes. I’ve been with my now fiancé (29F) for 11 year. We were high school sweethearts. As of late, all my fiancé wants to do is go to bars and drink with her new friends/coworkers, and it’s really starting to bother me.
I was a football player in high school. She was more of a nerd/loser (not trying to be harsh, just being honest) in high school, so she was more lonely. With me being an ex football player and going to college, I got invited to parties and gatherings.
She’s always been unsure of herself, so she really didn’t want me to go to those gatherings. She insisted that I was going to find someone better than her there, so I shouldn’t go. I’m more of a homebody anyway, so I didn’t mind not going. Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve liked to attend some of the gatherings, but I would rather comfort her more by not going.
Fast forward 2 years and she just started her new RN nursing job. We both have really good jobs and make good money. She started getting invites to hang out with friends after work. I’m not a jealous guy, so I don’t care. We both work over night, so she would go to breakfast with her coworkers in the mornings after work.
Again, I’m not worried about it. The breakfast in the morning slowly progressed to where now she’s going bar hopping with her friends at night and not getting home until 3am. She lost some weight in that time so I attributed it to being more confident.
We’re saving for a house, planning on having kids soon, and I just proposed in December. She wanted to be married by Feb 2023. With all that I mind, I’ve been grinding my butt to save extra money. Picking up OT shifts when I can and making lifestyle sacrifices.
One day she asked me if she can go to a bar with her coworkers for a bday. She had already been out 3 different times for coworkers bdays this month. I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea and she should give it a little break. She got upset with me telling me I’m not letting her live her life the way she wants to live her life.
She says that I shouldn’t hold it over her head that she didn't allow me to go out in the past. I told her that I’m not trying to hold it over head, but we have life goals that require something different than just going out all night and having a good time.
I told her I’m all for her going out, but can she do it in moderation. Maybe instead of going out with friends 4 times in 1 month, maybe she could go with them 2 times in 1 month and pick up 2 OT shifts. She said she doesn’t want to do overtime on her days off( like I do!?!?!).
She now saying I’m too demanding. Like if she wants to get tattoos all over her body, I should allow that. If she wants to smoke and party I should allow that. I told her I’m not trying to stop her from doing what she wants to do, I just won’t be here standing by until a she’s ready to get this family life back on the road. Am I wrong here? I losing my shi*!
Comments:
wehnaje writes:
You grew apart dude. The only thing I see wrong in this relationship is that “allowing” the other to do something is a thing.
You are deciding for different things on life right now, what can you do? What can anyone do? We all should find what makes us happy and follow that path, it just seems like your path is not together with hers anymore. It sucks. That’s it.
No_Performance8733 writes:
Why doesn’t he back off on the house saving a go out and bond with his girlfriend and her new friends? Why are they living separate lives??
I kinda think this sounds more like him being controlling. You’re in your 20’s. Live a little. It gets bananas after a couple has kids. Make some great memories together and invest in the relationship!
Similar_Ad7289 writes:
He probably resents her for losing weight and becoming a prettier more confident version of herself, or I doubt he would have brought that up. And yes it really bothered me that he called her a loser.
Response to comments from OP:
Thank you for all the replies. Most comments seem to agree. For the few that ask why is 4 times too much per month? It’s not about the times per se. Its more about me committing to furthering our future while she only wants to go out and have fun.
If she was going out on average 8 times per month, I would ask her to go out 4 and pick up 4 OT shifts. I know she’s a nurse and we both have trying tough jobs, but drinking 2-4 times per week and bar hopping isn’t the answer.
I also forgot to mention that SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ASKING FOR MORE OF A COMMITMENT PRIOR TO HER STARTING HER NEW JOB! She told me that we had been together too long for her not to at least have a ring on her finger or a child. She wanted all this first.
When we were 22-25 years old, she would want to me have a child with her. I was uncomfortable at the time because I wanted to be settled in my career first. I grew up with a tougher lifestyle, so I wanted to make sure I could take care of my children by myself comfortably if it had come to that.
Update from OP:
This will be my last post. So, I’ve decided to break up with her and get my ring back (spent over 15k on the ring). Now she’s literally on her knees begging, pleading, and asking for forgiveness.
I told her that I’m over this relationship, and now all she’s doing is crying. Sucks it had to come to this for her to truly understand how I was feeling, but it is what it is. Thank you everyone for the advice. I’ll see what happens from here.
Second update from OP:
This will really be my last post. So, I see a lot of people saying that I’m controlling. I’m not one to look past criticism, but I have to say I disagree. When she says “I’m not allowing her to do stuff,” I should have been worded better. What I mean by that is she wants to seemingly be tatted from head to toe.
She wants to be out experimenting with drugsm because that’s what her friends are doing. I’m sorry I would rather not have a GF/fiancé with tattoos everywhere and who does hardcore drugs. In addition to that, she already has (3 BIG tattoos on her person now from the top of her shoulder to her elbow type tats)
I like what I like, and nothing can change that. When I say “allow” what I’m actually saying is, she can do whatever she wants to do; however, if I don’t like what she does, I have every right to leave, right? Am I wrong for not wanting a wife that’s tattooed from head to toe and does mushrooms?
As for the people saying I should just talk to her more, this same attitude has been going on for 7 months now. I talked to her when I first began to notice the change, but nothing has changed. Today was my breaking point. I hope I addressed most concerns.
Lastly, for the people saying 4 times a month is not that much: I’m not saying 4 times is too much. I simply saying could she at least implement some OT in there somewhere. That way, she could live her best life while also showing me that she’s still working towards our “life goals.”
Last thing is some of you guys are d*cks lol. I’m literally asking for advice. There’s no need to be harsh to either me or her. Just give advice. That would be greatly appreciated.
Update from OP 10 months later:
I stayed with my fiancé, and it bit me in the a**. Long story short, I found out she was cheating me today. The crazy thing is, I was truly getting ready to leave her around the time of my last post. I was DONE, but she got pregnant. I stayed with her trying to make it work, and she was cheating the entire time.
Basically, I’ve been working overtime a lot because she doesn’t get paid for her baby bonding time. Since she doesn’t get paid, I picked up the slack and worked. We have ring cameras throughout the house that consistently pick up motion. While I was at work, I repeatedly would get a notification of motion detected.
It’s not uncommon for her to be up this late due to us having a newborn and the baby consistently being hungry. I go and check the camera and I hear she’s on the phone. On the camera it sounds like she’s on the phone with a guy. I’m thinking to myself, that’s strange. Let me call her and see who she’s on the phone with
She says “oh I was on the phone with my friend”( the friend she was referring to is a female). I tell her to go watch the video because it sounds like she’s on the phone with a guy. She says no, she wasn’t on the phone with a guy, she was listening to a video of a guy talking while talking to her friend🤔.
At this point, I’m on high alert. I’m trying to figure out how to catch her lie blatantly because she adamant that it was the video of a guy talking that I was hearing.
So, here’s what I do. I didn’t want to tell her to send me the contact info of her friend because her friend would obviously lie for her, and she would delete the guy's number (spoiler alert she had the guy's number under her friend's number). So I facetime her. Have her screenshare with me.
I then have her go to her friend's contact, and strange why is there 2 numbers listed? She says oh her friend has 2 phones so she has both numbers. I say hm okay. I call the first number on my work phone and a guy picks up the phone smh.
She finally admitted to talking to the guy for a year, (but she claims she hadn’t cheated with him). She started talking to him when we were going through a rough patch in our relationship. I’ve always told her that if she wanted to be with someone else, she could just leave. I’m not a cry for you type of guy, and I would respect her a lot more for just being honest about her wanting to be with someone else.
S@*t sucks. I’ve been with this girl for 11 going on 12 years ( high school sweethearts). I’m not a bad looking guy and I’ve turned down A LOT of women to be faithful to her. She literally wasted a TON of my life that I could never get back. We just had a kid and bought a house together. Now all of that is over with.
So I guess the moral of this story is don’t ignore the signs of cheating. Her phone would always be on do not disturb. She suddenly wanted to be out with her friends. She would do other suspicious things that I just can’t think of right now.
I will be getting a paternity test on the child to see if he’s mine. Just heart broken and torn. I’m also not the kill myself type so don’t worry lol. Just need some time to get over the heart break. Thanks for reading.
Last update from OP:
To add to the heartbreak, I learned that the guy she cheated on me with is 37 years old with 5!!!!!! Kids. For comparison, I’m 29 with no kids (except the one I might share with her). I make 150k a year with a really stable job. She’s also 29. He’s a hospital janitor.
Can’t make this crap up dude. She cheated on me with him after knowing him for 1 month. She did it on their lunch break. You can’t make this sh*t up.
Comments from the whole post:
taketheredleaf writes:
reads title, assumes “oh she’s cheating”
scrolls to end, yep
mbise writes:
He talks about her being insecure when he was in college, which was like a decade ago. Also seems like he didn’t invite her to these parties which is weird?
Dahlia_Dee writes:
OP comes across as a totally arrogant snob pretty frequently in his posts. I think they're just two very different people that should never have had a child.
Alternative_Year_340 writes:
He’s not smart enough to find the moral of the story. It’s not about ignoring the signs of cheating. The moral is: use a condom if you aren’t ready to have kids yet.
The other moral: if something is a dealbreaker in a relationship, you need to let it break the deal. Not buy a house with someone who is out drinking money while you’re working OT to buy the house.