Man ends engagement when he learns fiancé’s history of 'life-ruining/false SA allegations.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man is shocked when his fiancé's friend reveals his future wife's "secret" past, he asks Reddit:
"AITAH (28M) for breaking up with my (27F) fiance due to false SA allegations in her past?"
Hello everyone i need to know AITAH. Forgive the throw away but my main is known by everyone from work to family. I know what im diong is right but the people i respect and whose opinion matter to me are saying differently and it's messing with me. Forgive the length of this but i will try and put all the information i can in here.
Me and anna have been together for 5 years and engaged for 1. We where set to be married in October of this year. This woman is the love of my life.
2 weeks back we had a couple of friend over at our house. One of the friend Becky was a high school friend of Anna. As the night went on we obviously got a bit drunk and the conversation went into all the weird stuff. The conversation landed on what is the deepest thing you regret.
We all spoke and Anna said her deepest regret is loosing her virginity to her ex in high school and not to me, i did know this information so that didn't bothered me. Becky who was a bit more tipsy suddenly spoke up and called Anna a lier. A bit taken aback i asked Becky why she would say something like that.
I didn't even finish my sentences before Anna stood up and asked Becky to speak in private but Becky refused. Becky then said Anna's biggest regret is the false SA allegations she made agains her ex.
Apparently in high school her ex dumped her out of the blue one day without a reason, she got angry and made a false SA allegations against him. He was arrested, kicked out of school and his family had to move states because his life was being threatened, he was also put on self deleting watch as he did try to end it.
After Anna found out he tried to delete himself, she confessed the allegations was fake.I actually got angry because Becky was attacking my fiances character. I didn't believe a word untill i looked at Anna with tears rolling down her face. I asked her if it was true and Anna ran into the house and locked herself in our room.
After that the party was over and everyone left as the situation was awkward at best. I took me 4 hours to get Anna to leave our room and talk to me, she basically confirmed that everything Becky said was true, with minor differences.
I didn't know what to do in that moment so i let her cry on my shoulder. She just kept asking me to forgive her. After i got her to bed and started to think about what she actually did i got disgusted and the more i though about it the more disgusted i got.
I couldn't sleep at all that night and just got angrier and angrier the more i though about it, that information shattered my whole image that i had of her. How can someone do something like that, to anyone.
I'm giong to be honest after i heard her confirm what Becky had said to be true. it was like the love i had for her was being replaced with anger the more i thought about what she did.
That morning i just avoided her, every time she tried to talk to me. I couldn't look at her, i didn't want to hear her vioce nothing it was like this the whole day.
After thinking about everything again Saturday night i came to the discussion to break up with her, because what she did is not just despicable but what els has she lied about and is giong to lie about and i refuse to live with that uncertainty in my life.
Sunday morning i sat her down and asked her again to tell me the story and she stated the same story she told me friday night. I told her i can't be in a relationship with her anymore. She broke down completely, all i could make out over her cries is the word sorry over and over again the rest was just mumbling.
I wasn't in the best emotional state in that moment myself, this is the woman i wanted to marry, this is the love of my life. so i called her parents and mine as well i told them we broke up but didn't give a reason. I asked her parents to come and pick her up and asked mine to come because i was loosing it myself.
Her parents got to my house first her mom when directly to her to comfort her and her dad asked me what happend. As soon as i said the words she made false accusations he stopped me and said he understood.
He asked me if it was alright to grab a couple of her things. He went into our room and got some of her things. While he was packing her things Anna just kept asking me to forgive her.
On their way out her father said he will be in touch to come get her other things at a later time. I know i make it sound quick and easy but all of this took about 30 minutes.
An hour later my parents arrived at our house. As soon as i saw my father i completely broke down, i couldn't even stand in my own feet he had to keep ahold of me. I literally cried myself to sleep while my father was holding me. This was the first time i was able to sleep since friday night. I woke up to my mom cooking dinner for us.
The first question was from my father that asked if i was okay and i couldn't answer him. My mother then asked what happend and i just started to cry again. It took me 10 minutes to get myself together enough to talk to them.
I told them everything, they sat in silence with a look of complete shock on their faces. My mother asked if it was really true and i told her Anna herself confirmed it. After that we just sat in silence the whole night. Just my dad constantly checking in on me.
Monday i woke up to my dad missing and just my mom in the house, i asked her where my dad went and she told me he left to their house but will be back soon. Luckily my mom answered my phone that morning when my manager called because i was a no show at work, i got 2 weeks of at least.
My dad came back later that day, with his and my moms clothes and a couple of other things. Because they will be staying with me for a while. When i wanted to object my father told me he doesn't want to hear it.
About 16:00 the same day Anna mother came to my house and wanted to speak to me. My mother didn't want her to even come into the house but i agreed to talk to her.
Apparently anna is in a bad way she refuses to eat and is constantly crying. Her mother asked me if i could forgive her and possibly get back together with her, they will even pay for couples counseling if that is what i needed.
My mother kicked her out of my house after that, i didn't even get a chance to respond. My phone from that sunday has been blowing up from her, our friend, her mother even some family member on bought sides wanting me to reconsider our breakup as she did nothing to me and this was in her past.
Although true i can't forgive something like that, she caused her ex to loose his life and nearly caused his death.
If she can lie about something like that what else can she lie about. What else has she lied about?
Almost everyone i know has been harassing me and calling me heartless for not seeing her pain, calling me an ahole and that I'm a piece of sh& for holding something she did in her past over her head. That i never truly loved her is i can end thing just like this, and it's starting to get to me.
My parents are still at my house so i asked my dad what he will do. He responded with one question. Do you think you can forgive her. When i said no. His response was then that is the end of it, everyone els can go screw themselves. So AITAH?
Then, OP provides a couple updates:
UPDATE 1:
From the day i got to know her, she was honestly an awesome person very loving amazing actually. Now im lef wondering if it was all an act. I haven't responded to anyone yet. I don't want to.
Untangle our lives is my top priority at the moment and still busy with that. Will sort out the rest and found out what everyone els knows later on. I have the proof from Anna in forms of screenshots so if im made out to be the bad guy i will just send them the screenshots.
UPDATE 2:
After the ex and his family moved they basically disappeared. I know the guys name but can't find him or his parents on any social media anywhere. I do love her, i still do and it's taking everything i have to stick to my decision.
The thought running through my head is will she do it to me. If she is capable of making up such a story and lying about something that seriously at 18 what els is she not capable of.
The only reason she retracted is because her ex tried to delete himself that tells me she had no intention of retracting.
Let's take a look at some of the top responses:
beautifulfly6 writes:
You are NTA in this matter. Aside form the fact it was a despicable thing to do, and aside from the fact that she hasn't apologised or ever tried to tell you how remorseful she is, she literally ruined a young man's life - destroyed it, destroyed his parent's lives as collateral damage, and cost him who knows how many friends.
And now she's sending her friends to harangue you into forgiving her, like a victim. She drove him to nearly end himself. He will never recover fully from what she did to him...
he will always be suspicious of women now, will never have complete trust in a partner, and will miss all of that in his life - he will have lost most if not all of his friends, plus we don't know how it's affected his future employment, or his parent's employment for that matter, if his name ever comes up as a rapist without a follow-up clearing him on searches.
You are absolutely NTA. This is beyond unforgivable. And all of her guilt aside, I could not align myself with a person who would do something like this, even just as a friend. I have a standard of ethics and morals, and I could never condone this kind of act by being friends or ignoring it as if they had never commited that monstrous act.
silencelikelasagna writes:
ESH. What your girlfriend did was deplorable, but then again she was probably like 16-18 at the time, and what her ex did was pretty s&y. She was clearly hurt and vindictive, and while yes she massively overreacted and did something terrible, she realised she messed up once it got serious.
Yeah she ruined that guy’s life, but teenagers are shitheads with poor concept of consequences. It’s been almost a decade now and I’d imagine she’s changed a lot since then.
You can opt out of the marriage, but 5 years down the drain because you found out she’s made big mistakes? I would really think hard about this one.
ruknight7 writes:
I am here to tell you, as someone whose career is in law, that it takes a very VERY special type of evil to manufacture, plead, and maintain a lie like that. It’s not “youthful indiscretion”.
It is the type of person that snaps and kills someone in a fit of rage. It’s the type of person that responds to insults with violence and scorched earth. It is a character flaw in their very being. It cannot be fixed. She cannot grow out of that.
You are so incredibly indebted to the person who exposed this to you. But for her, you wouldn’t have known until it was too late.
PS - the fact that her dad impliedly approved your decision is all the validation you need. He doesn’t blame you bc he knows her actions make her unworthy of companionship. She’s irredeemable according to her own dad.
charlisti writes:
NTA she kept such a huge thing hidden from you throughout all of your relationship and she didn't even man up to tell you herself if Becky hadn't spilled the beans. Keeping such a huge secret is unforgivable and speaks loudly about her true character imo.
I'm sure she regrets what happened deeply and has tried to forget and move on, but such a thing isn't something u hide from a serious partner! It would've been something completely...
...different if she had taken the talk with you when it became clear the relationship was serious, but she didn't do that exactly cause she knows what she did was the actions of a monster.
You dodged a bullet here, don't listen to the ones what say it's the wrong choice. If people don't get it's the act of hiding such a huge secret for so long that's unforgivable then they're too dumb to understand even the basics.
jadiejang7 writes:
Why is everyone (including you, OP) talking about "forgiveness"? She didn't do anything to YOU. Your reaction is not about being wronged by her.
Your reaction is about discovering what she's capable of, and what kind of morals she has, and being concerned that she might do it again in the future, even to you. Or simply being concerned that you don't share the same values.
You don't have the right to "forgive" or even "not forgive" her. But you have the responsibility to match yourself to someone who shares your values and will help you become the best version of yourself.
She is CLEARLY not that person. Did she even apologize to the guy? Did she publicly avow her deceit? Make ANY amends at ALL? Ugh. NTA.