Man finds out GF talked to her ex; now he refuses to propose. AITA?
"Talked to ex boyfriend, now my boyfriend is saying he won’t propose anymore."
Me (26)f and boyfriend (28m) have been dating a while and I have never had any inappropriate talk or even bordered the lines of cheating while with him.
I had an ex (30ish) that called today to catch up. He lives hours away, and we haven’t talked in a bit. We dated for 4 months, and then have remained friends only the last 5 years or so. Nothing more.
We talked about him meeting boyfriend as he wanted to hang out with him. He said he was really happy for us and congratulated me. I told him about the dating app we met on and how he should try it out, that they weren’t all bad out there.
He said he was sorry for the loss of my mother (he is the only person in my life other than family who knew her before she got sick) I thanked him for that, but said the usual “we all saw it coming, but it doesn’t ever help much” and then that was basically it.
He talked about a cat he got. We talked about adding me and bf to the communal Nintendo switch online thing him and another friend use so we’d only have to pay $20 instead of $80. I told him I’d see what my bf thinks.
Fast forward 20 mins later my bf calls me on break and I told him the exchange happened and he was not happy.
I explained to him if I would have known it would have made him uncomfortable I wouldn’t have even answered.
He then tells me he now will no longer be proposing to me as he can tell I don’t take the relationship seriously and I’ll have to wait a few more years instead of September.
I told him I would immediately end any friendship I had with this person because I would not do anything to continue to make him uncomfortable and apologized. I even messaged the friend and told him.
“Spoke to bf about switch stuff. I don’t think he was very comfortable with us talking. He didn’t ask me to stop speaking with you, but I’m going to because I don’t want to even jeopardize him feeling like I’m doing anything sneaky or anything like that. He’s a good one. Don’t want to lose him.”
But my bf doesn’t care and is deeply hurt. I’m thinking I am the AH here, but how do I fix it and show him I do care about the relationship?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
He’s using the prospect of proposal as a tool to manipulate your behavior and obviously has trust/ control issues.
Doesn’t sound like “he’s a good one”
The OP responded here:
Yeah, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by that.
NTA, your boyfriend is. I’m not trying to speculate too much, but holding an engagement over your head is a huge red flag. What happens in the future when he doesn’t like someone else you’re speaking to? What happens when he isn’t happy about something else?
And to be blunt, it’s also another huge red flag when someone immediately assumes you can’t be civil/on good terms with your ex.
He's giving you an out. I think you should take it. Even before you're married he's setting up ridiculous conditions for you, and punishing you when you don't magically know what he will want you to do. Married life with him will be a misery for you.