Man leaves vacation after GF invites friends; 'I wanted to propose.' UPDATED 3X

"AITA For Leaving a Vacation I Planned for my GF After Her Friends Came Along?"

My GF (Sarah, 29) and I (M, 28) have been dating for 5 years, and I wanted to go on a vacation with her to celebrate. I planned the trip for several months (of course I shared my plans with her), and decided on skiing/snowboarding/other winter activities in CO.

The activities seemed perfect, and I was looking forward to this for months because I wanted to propose to her at the end of the trip.

5 days before the trip, Sarah dropped the ball on me that she invited 2 of her friends to meet her there. I was upset because I wanted to spend 1:1 time with Sarah for our anniversary. I feel like it was plain and clear that this was a trip for just us. Even though I expressed my concerns, Sarah insisted that her friends already made plans to come and won't back out.

I decided to accept this because there was no way for me to force her friends to not come (I wish I fought more on this). I figured we could make some changes to our plans, and I would still be able to propose to her privately. Sarah essentially blew me off for her friends and we didn't get any private time.

After 3 days of being in second place, I decided to leave the trip and head home. I told Sarah why I was leaving, and she was upset. She told her friends about my decision, and I was ganged up on. They said we were all having a great time.

She thinks I'm being a jerk for making her pick between her friends and me (even though her friends weren't invited in the first place). I never had personal issues with her friends prior to this trip. I never made Sarah pick between me or her friends because everyone needs friends outside of a relationship.

I'm at home now and thinking about everything. I have a day to myself before Sarah comes home, so at least I get to relax a bit. Sarah and her friends think I'm overreacting and think I ruined the trip. I think Sarah was disrespectful and rude to me by ruining the purpose of this trip and having her friends gang up on me.

AITA For Leaving a Vacation I Planned for my GF After Her Friends Came Along?

Info from OP:

This was a planned *anniversary/romantic* trip. I was clear that we have plans for just us two. We've been on other anniversary trips together without her friends there. We did discuss marriage beforehand, so it's not like a proposal wouldn't been out of the blue.

I took on most of the planning (about 66%), and the other 33% was done together. I made a trip filled with activities that we both enjoy doing together. I wouldn't have planned everything just to do the things I only want (if that makes sense).

With our 5th year coming up, we brought up marriage more seriously to see if we were on the same page and how a proposal would be. We wanted a private proposal. We know some people love big proposals in front of family/friends, but we thought it would take away from our intimacy.

I paid for myself and Sarah. Her friends paid for themselves. I would have been more pissed if I was forced to pay for them

Minor Update:

My friends are here at the house and they have been running potential interference, just in case her friends try to bombard and harass me. They've been great and I'm so glad to have them!

Minor Update 2:

None of Sarah's friends came by the house or harassed me yesterday/last night, which is good! Sarah hasn't come home yet. I figured out what I want to say and have it written out.

Here's what people had to say:

phenomstar writes:

NTA You sure you still wanna propose?

Heavy_Sand5228 writes:

Even if it wasn’t a proposal trip, it was so disrespectful of Sarah to basically pull the rug out from under him and get her friends to gang up. To do that to someone you’ve dated for 5 years…geez

Smilesunshine57 writes:

I would sit her down and go through the plans you had including the proposal. Watch the Pikachu face, and then tell her you need time apart to evaluate the relationship.

Apart_Foundation1702 writes:

I just can't understand why she would think that it was appropriate to invite her friends to a romantic trip firstly and secondly why she didn't run it pass OP before doing it! What a selfish, inconsiderate, rude and ungrateful act!

Then once she forced him to accept it, she leaves him out of things in favour for her friends, who then all gang up and gaslight him accusing him of ruining the holiday. How dare they?!! I'm glad that he has he's friends with him for support to deal with these rude, selfish, ungrateful gaslighting girls.

Then maybe it's best to put the engagement on hold for now and then review the relationship in peace away from her, so you can get a better prospective.

Questions and answers with OP:

relken0716 asks:

Have you talked to her at all since you been home?

Gradtattoo_9009 OP responded:

She has tried to call me twice, but I rejected her call. The only said I told her before I left was 'We will we talk about this when you return'. These types of conversations need to happen in person.

Due-Compote-4723 asks:

Maybe she does not want to marry you and is too much of a coward to tell you ?

Gradtattoo_9009 OP responded:

I understand cold feet. But the least she could've done was talk to me. I would hate to make other big decisions with her and her being too much of a coward to talk to me like an adult, and later change her mind. I can't force her to marry me. I just wish she actually talked to me about her fears (if she had any)

Rare-Explanation7938 asks:

Do you think it’s possible that she orchestrated this as a way to break up but make you look like the bad guy?

Gradtattoo_9009 OP responded:

That is unfortunately a possibility. Trust me, I've been thinking about 'Why bring her friends on this trip' for over a week and it's been driving me crazy. I thought of a million reasons why she did this to me. I will find out soon.

I know I deserve so much more. That's why I'm actually happy to have some private time to myself to sort out my thoughts and figure out what I want to do/say

Update from OP 24 hours later:

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words and encouraging private messages.

I decided that I wanted to end this entire relationship. I packed my important belongings (Ex. Passport, clothes) and arranged with my best friend to crash at his apartment until I can find my own. Usually when small issues happen in a relationship, it ties into a bigger issue of that relationship.

The main reason why I decided to break up is because I realized that her friends will always be closer to her than me. Sarah has favored her friends over me and blown off some of our plans for her friends more than once. I was lying to myself for years because I didn’t want to face reality yet.

I had hoped she would change, but this trip really opened my eyes that I will always be in 3rd place to her.I expressed my feelings multiple times, and Sarah promised she would change, and she didn’t.

Sarah came home late yesterday. I said I have a lot to get off my chest and I want to get through my notes before she talks or tries to interrupt me. The first question I asked Sarah was “How she thought the trip went”. She said we all had fun and it was memorable. I shouldn’t have to feel like the 3rd wheel in my own relationship, especially on a trip that I planned.

My next question was “Why did you invite your friends in the first place? You knew this was an anniversary trip for US”. She talked about the trip with her friends since the beginning, and they never been to CO. She thought it would be a good idea to allow them to come just so they can have fun in CO with us.

I followed up with my lack of knowledge of her friends coming along until days before. It’s one thing if they came and did their OWN activities. But it’s another thing that every activity became a group activity. I signed up for a monogamous, not poly relationship.

My last question was “Did you know that I was going to propose to you?”. Sarah said she didn’t know at all. The thought never occurred to Sarah that I was going to ask. She claimed that she wouldn’t have invited her friends to come along if she knew, but I responded that “it would ruin the surprise if I told you”.

Sarah begged me to stay with her and believes we can work everything out. She didn’t want me to throw 5 years away after this one bad trip. I listened to her promises to change for years regarding her friends, but nothing happened. I ultimately left Sarah with this: it’s clear that there isn’t enough room in your heart for your BF and your friends.

As much as I love Sarah, I can’t stay in a relationship where I’m not respected enough. I left Sarah in the house by herself and I drove off to my friend’s place. I’ll figure out how to get my name off the lease and I’ll plan to get the rest of my belongings. As for the ring, I will return it this weekend.

Here's what people had to say after the update:

Viligans writes:

Aside from the obvious issues of her behavior, the thing that throws me for the biggest loop is that she didn't *immediately* follow you home.

Gradtattoo_9009 OP responded:

Part of the reason why she stayed back was because I said I wanted to go home alone and think. I know that couples shouldn't storm off after a fight, but it was kinda important to separate for a bit to gather my thoughts. Maybe things would've turned out differently if we left together?

reluctantseahorse writes:

Even if she stayed to give you the space you asked for, there’s no way I would be able to enjoy the trip after my unhappy partner left. Yet she said “we all had fun and it was memorable.” I think someone commented on your last post that it’s clear “we” didn’t include you. 5 years into a relationship, you deserved more consideration. Thanks for the update! I’m sorry things ended that way.

Gradtattoo_9009 OP added:

I'm not opposed to getting back together down the road. But I'm not a fan of being on-and-off with Sarah. People that do get back together need to spend months/even years apart to actually grow and change. I won't make an empty promise to wait and see if we still want to date. If fate brings us back together, then so be it. If it doesn't, then so be it.

You can love someone, but it doesn't mean the relationship will work out. Sure a part of you will always love him, but it's not worth it to continue this lie.

BanVegans writes:

Can you imagine the honey honeymoon??? 'Wow, this place is beau--'

'JESSICA!' 'BRITNEY! PAIGE! YOU MADE IT!'

Gradtattoo_9009 OP responded:

I literally thought of this scenario!

taketheredleaf asked:

Did she cry? Or was she indifferent

Gradtattoo_9009 OP responded:

She unfortunately cried. As much as I wanted to hug and comfort her, I didn't. You don't do that after a breakup.