'My fiancé made me get plastic surgery to get engaged; I want to call off the wedding.' UPDATED
"My fiancé (37M) made me (26F) get plastic surgery just to get engaged. Now I want to call off the wedding."
CartographerFun1535
I want to clarify that NO, this is not a fake post. This is my first ever post, I felt compelled to get some outside perspective bc I don’t confide in anyone in my personal life. No one knows I got this surgery. I’m glad I did post this and I really appreciate everyone’s feedback. I know what I need to do but it’s not easy. I will update in a few weeks.
I (26F) have been engaged to my fiancé (37M) for 6 months now, and we’re getting married next Spring. Our relationship has not been easy and we dated for 2 years before getting engaged and he broke up with me once in between for 5 months. Right now I am so conflicted, there was a time I was so eager to be engaged to him and now I’m lost.
First off, I kind of had to give an ultimatum to get engaged, to which he responded he has not proposed all this time bc of something in my looks that he’s not attracted to. He asked me to get a specific plastic surgery to correct this issue and that he would pay for it, and only then he’s willing to get engaged. So, I went ahead and got the surgery 🤡
Anyway, we get engaged and I can still tell he’s not that attracted to me bc the surgery didn’t really make a big difference . Doesn’t compliment me, doesn’t really touch me or initiate things with me. He doesn’t complain or bash my looks but doesn’t rave about it either.
But this isn’t the worst of it, I am currently in grad school and he works full time and makes over $500k/year. He is paying for the wedding and has rubbed it in my face on 2 occasions how I contribute nothing, and that I basically never have the right to complain about anything ever because he works so hard to pay for things (I complained once that I feel we don’t spend enough quality time).
I just don’t know if I’m making a huge mistake getting married to him, I don’t want to be miserable. I am so anxious. I don’t feel like he loves me, he pushes me away when he’s having a bad day and doesn’t talk to me.
I just feel kind of neglected in the relationship but I also don’t want to be a victim and consider maybe he’s right about some things. Breaking an engagement off is so embarrassing, and this would be his 2nd broken engagement and I don’t want to do that to him. I just feel really lost…how do I go about this?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
HHIOTF
Girl, he is controlling and it will only get worse. Run for the hills. You can do better. There is a reason his first engagement didn't work. The tea leaves are telling you to leave. This isn't embarrassing this is saving yourself.
Specific-Bag7401
Wow. He‘s such a huge liability and it will get so much worse after you are married. Save yourself. He is a control freak. You will never - even for one second - ever be good enough. You will tho - be miserable.
Moist_Confusion
Know what would be even more “embarrassing”? Marrying this guy. Sorry OP but the embarrassment of breaking off an engagement is a million times more preferable to getting married and 6 months, a year, 10 years down the line having to divorce him after going through even more humiliation and beating down your self confidence and self worth.
This isn’t going to end well either way but at least leaving now you can have the rest of your life ahead of you vs wasting time with someone who doesn’t love you as you are.
loveoflegacy19
“I don’t know IF I’m making a huge mistake”??? Girl you should’ve left as soon as he put a condition of plastic surgery on your engagement. This man does not love you. You need to leave and marry someone who does.
The very same day, the OP updated again.
"Edit"
CartographerFun1535
Thank you for all the responses even the mean ones that I needed to hear. The surgery I got was liposuction of my legs from thighs to ankles, I’ve always carried weight in my lower body.
He says financially successful men don’t like thick women and goes on to list all the successful men he knows and uses their women as reference. I figured he was right about this and got the surgery and I’m still trying to lose weight because the lipo didn’t make a huge difference.
Also, to those that ask what good qualities he has. I initially thought he was very kind, helps the poor and goes on medical mission trips (he’s a doctor). He is funny and we actually get along really well when things are good.
And I love his parents so much and I really feel for them. They are older and want grandchildren and want to see their son married. I don’t think they realize how mean he can be. I’m not going to pretend his money is not appealing.
I didn’t grow up with a lot of money and watched my parents struggle as immigrants. I always wanted to make sure my kids will grow up in a financially stable environment. It’s not really gold digging because I’m not a materialistic person, I don’t care for expensive things just don’t want to struggle like my parents did.
To those who think I can get a prenup or divorce, our culture and community is veryyyy strict, I probably should’ve mentioned we are middle eastern (not Muslims). We don’t get divorced, it’s not an option in our church.
HE ended his first engagement, not her. He said she became too obsessed with the wedding planning and felt like a different personality of her had come out after she secured the ring.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
mikuzgrl
Would you rather be embarrassed for a few months or be miserable with this AH for years? Is this how you want your marriage to be? Because it is not going to get better after the wedding. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.
Various_Beach862
Though it may be uncomfortable and slightly embarrassing to call off a wedding, it would be far more embarrassing for people to see you tolerate his behavior any longer. Plus, it will be far more embarrassing for him, which is the LEAST he deserves. There is not one redeeming quality about this guy in the entire post. Maintain your pride and leave ASAP!
DaxxyDreams
Him having 2 broken engagements would be a reflection on him, not you. You already know what you need to do. It’s time to do it.
estupidopatata27
Break the engagement and leave him You know in your gut that’s the right and only decision. Listen to it and do it.
Two days later, the OP returned with a full update.
"Update"
CartographerFun1535
Hello everyone. I did not think I would post the update so soon but here it is. We broke up, today. 48 hours after my initial post and 1000+ people begging me not to get married. The wedding is off.
This is how it went. He picked me up because we had our engagement photo shoot today. He has been depressed for over a month now over a real estate lawsuit that he started. He has already been putting me on the back burner because of this lawsuit and gives me 0 attention, acts like I am an added stressor in his life. So I’m already fed up with the mopey attitude.
He starts going off about how he’s not in the mood to take pictures today and that it’s hard for him to smile, how drained and unhappy he feels over the house. I literally exploded, with everything that’s happened I couldn’t take it anymore.
I told him I’ve never met such a literal man child in my life, for him to break down over a lawsuit HE STARTED, he is not fit to ever be the man, the sole provider of a family, to face real troubles of life. He has never had any real issues in his life. He is a literal man child.
I told him he never acknowledged how INSANE it is that I went and got surgery just for him to find me more attractive. He never recognized the care and sacrifices I’ve made for him.
I did take ownership for letting this relationship drag out as far as an engagement, after he showed me time after time how unfit he is to be a life partner. It is my fault, I ignored the red flags and I kept having hope he would change one day.
Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me. I am so glad it didn’t last long enough to find out.
We didn’t make it to the shoot obviously, he ended up driving me back home. Sadly we wasted the poor photographers time. His reaction throughout all of this was VERY minimal. So cold, he would look down and look sad but it looked like he was pretending.
He said he was sorry and he thought I deserved better than him. He said his emotional battery had run out. This was the end of it, I gave him the ring back and told him we’re never speaking again.
I want to thank everyone who responded to my original post. I read every single one, I can’t express how much it helped me finally come to this decision today. You guys actually saved my life. I am not even sad, I am so relieved, I feel lighter. Thank you all so much.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
raylverine
On the one hand, I'm sorry it didn't work out. On the other hand, I'm glad you're out and feeling lighter. On a side note, however, it's a mistake to think "Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me".
It's actually the opposite. I'm aware there are exceptions but generally speaking, bringing a child in the world where multiple red flags are present in the current relationship will only give rise to even more red flags, in which the child will be raised in a toxic environment.
peter095837
I feel bad for OP. Her self-esteem is so low that she went to stay with this loser of a person. But I am happy that she was able to come to her senses and leave this person for good. Things could turn out worse if she had not left.
CharlotteLucasOP
Why do men date women a decade or more younger than them and then get mad that they’re not on equal career footing to them? I mean I know why, it’s a built in excuse to always have a means of making them feel shitty about themselves, but logically, like…school and work take TIME, my guy. It’s not magically gonna go faster for her than it did for you. Try dating a 37 year old woman in your field.
But something tells me you won’t, because a doctor the same age as you with the same salary probably wont be nearly as easy to manipulate into GETTING SURGERY with some BS reasoning about whatever “successful men” are apparently attracted to.
The fact that he was with a woman who didn’t meet those “requirements” naturally kinda just shows that he’s not, by his own definition, a successful man. So congrats on failing, doc! He’s a career sociopath who wanted a trophy wife he could control and mold.
necrocatt
I am glad you left him. Please take this as an opportunity to learn how to love and respect yourself. If anyone EVER wants to change who you are, inside OR out, they do not love you. You are worth more than any lawsuit or plastic surgery. I hope this relationship at least served as a wonderful learning opportunity.
BelleMayWest
He was just going to keep moving the goalposts. OP was never going to be good enough for him. Glad she got out. The ex should remain single since no one is going to fit his standards… He just wants someone to mold (This is based off of the plastic surgery requirement and how it didn’t make him happy).
Also, does he not understand how people carry weight differently? He probably wanted OP to be like the wives of the successful men.