Man tells pregnant SAHW that household chores are still her job. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for reufusing to take over my wife's household chores?"
I (34M) recently had a heated argument with my pregnant wife (30F), and I'm wondering if I'm the a$#@ole here. After a year of trying, my wife is currently seven months pregnant with our first child, but it hasn't been smooth sailing.
She's been dealing with morning sickness, fatigue, and other pregnancy-related challenges. I've been supportive, buying her craving foods and attending all OB-GYN appointments. However, things changed when she started expecting me to do more around the house.
I want to clarify that I'm not a misog$#@st. I understand that household chores can be shared, but in our household, it's been our arrangement that she handles most of them. I work a demanding full-time job, and I often come home exhausted.
However, my wife believes that since she's pregnant, I should take on the majority of the household chores. She insists she needs more rest and less stress 'for the sake of the baby.'
I provide for us financially, and I believe that should be enough. The baby would be more affected by growing up in a poverty-stricken home, right? I think it's fair for her to handle most of the chores since she's not working, and she's not physically incapable of doing them.
I understand she may need naps or breaks due to pregnancy discomfort, but not doing ANY chores AT ALL seems excessive.
We had a huge fight the other day when she asked me to do the laundry. I was tired after work and told her it was her responsibility if she wanted it done that night. I explained that I would be willing to help on weekends, but it's not my agreed-upon role.
She got upset, accusing me of not caring about her or the baby. I tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen. She claims the baby will suffer if she does housework, which I don't understand.
She called me selfish, saying I shirk my responsibilities as a husband and a father. I argued that she was being lazy and expecting too much. We didn't speak for the rest of the evening.
The next day, seeking advice, I talked to friends and family who all sided with me. They said my wife was being unreasonable and taking advantage. They agreed I was already doing enough by providing financially.
Feeling validated, I confronted my wife and shared what others had said. She got angrier, accusing me of twisting the situation to make myself look good. She claimed I was surrounded by biased people who didn't understand her challenges as women.
I'm frustrated and hurt. I genuinely believe I'm not in the wrong. I work hard to support our family, and we had agreed-upon household roles. She never mentioned her pregnancy involving me taking over chores. I fear this will escalate when the baby is born, and I don't have time for that. I think she's being unreasonable and expecting too much. Am I the a**@ole?
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
Dude, there wasn't a lack of communication.
She communicated clearly she was struggling and needed you to step up, and you decided she must have been exaggerating to, what? Make your life harder for shit and giggles?
I'm glad you're trying to change, but come on.
The OP responded here:
'generous'
i get it might seem like that , but i genuinely assumed she was fine because she never complained about anything to me. it turns out she never did so because she thought i would be dismissicve (which i was), but now that shes voiced it out i definitely understand more clearly.
You don’t “appear” sexist. You ARE sexist. It literally took a man stepping in before you listened to your WIFE. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her communication - entire communities of strangers understood what she was saying even with your snarky, immature, selfish filter on it. Your poor daughter. Do better.
The OP returned with an update the very same day:
So it turns out my brother-in-law is pretty active here ( hi, rob) so my wife confronted me after discovering my previous post, and I want to share the outcome of our conversation.
I made a mistake by assuming she wasn't / was barely struggling with her pregnancy due to a lack of open communication. She rightfully called me out for dismissing her feelings in the past, and it hit me hard.
We had a two-hour conversation where she expressed her experiences and challenges, and I realized how wrong I was for assuming she was okay when she wasn't. ( Thank you to all the moms who commented under the Original Post too, it really shocked me )
We also discussed our vision for parenting, and she made me aware that prioritizing work would mean minimal time with our child.
This resonated with me as I grew up with an absent father and really strongly don't want the same for my child. We talked about tasks she could comfortably do, considering her physical limitations, like washing dishes and folding clothes while sitting.
In return, I agreed to help with everything else such as mopping, gardening, cooking, making the bed, and doing laundry.
I realized that rigid roles in the household were problematic, especially with a baby on the way. We need to be flexible and support each other as needed.
To those who called me out for appearing sexist, it was never my intention. This situation stemmed from a lack of communication and empathy on my part, which I now recognize.
I promised to her, to learn from this experience and be a better partner. ( Also, not an excuse, but I have been so obsessed with work these past few months, as I just got a promotion. and I think that why I've been so blind.
If I proceeded like this, I know for a fact that my children would suffer, and I'd live to regret it. I apologised profusely to my wife because holy sh*t was I an idiot.
We considered hiring a nanny but my wife isn't comfortable with the idea yet. Instead, my sister will help out occasionally. To actively participate in parenting, I will take paternity leave in about a month. It's the bare minimum, but it shows my commitment to being more involved and supportive.
Lastly, we're thrilled to announce that we'll be welcoming a baby girl into our lives! I want to apologize deeply to my wife, the Reddit community, and anyone affected by my previous post. I've learned valuable lessons about communication, empathy, and understanding during this transformative time. Thank you for holding me accountable and offering support and guidance.
Here were the top rated options after this latest update:
also HOLY S$#T I GOT CROSSPOSTED ON r/AMITHEDEVIL?? that. that was a wake-up call man. Welp at least some self awareness! Good on this man - most would double-down or just get incredibly butthurt.
Most people double down when they get cross-posted there. Im shocked this turned out good.
When I read 'I provide for us financially, and I believe that should be enough. The baby would be more affected by growing up in a poverty-stricken home, right?' my immediate thought was 'Well thats your marriage fucked'.
Am very glad it didnt turn out that way and the OOP saw sense. It doesnt happen that often in posts like this. The ability to admit you are wrong seems to be surprisingly rare. You dont have to look past Reddit itself to find endless examples. This has cheered me up regardless. Good luck to them!
She seems perfectly capable of doing all the other chores, and only takes a nap once in the afternoon. Her pregnancy is going pretty well right now, that we have gotten past the morning sickness stage. My point is, she doesnt seem THAT exhausted except for when its time to do the chores,
So… is she doing the chores or not doing them? “You were able to do all those other chores without being tired so clearly you’re lying about being too tired to do these chores!”
Yet another problem gets solved by actually listening to your wife and believing her when she tells you her lived experience. Instead of treating her with suspicion and disdain and accusing her of lying and laziness.
I’m glad he got there in the end, but wow, that was a hideous thing to put his pregnant, ill wife through. Here’s hoping he actually steps up when the baby arrives and doesn’t accuse her of laziness for needing to rest post partum.