'AITA for not supporting my fiancé's kid brother after their parents died?' UPDATED

"AITA for not supporting my fiancé's kid brother after their parents died?"

This is really something I never thought I'd be posting about but I don't know how to deal with this.

My fiancé Derek and I are both in our late 20's, and we're child-free. No kids, no plans on kids. He supported me through getting my bachelors and nursing school, and now I'm supporting him through college. We live in a moderately cramped studio apartment, and are saving for a down payment on a nice house outside of the city.

Derek's dad and stepmother, his half-brothers mother, both died in a pretty horrific accident that I don't want to name or specify on for privacy reasons. I'm trying to do my best to support Derek through this, and I've taken over funeral planning.

His dad and step mother were both broke, and I'm currently paying for the funeral out of pocket, no one else in his family can contribute.

Since the accident his brother, (12), has been at their aunt's house. He hates it there. Apparently he has to sleep on the floor and she has five young kids that she makes him babysit. I really feel for the kid, I'm sure it's absolutely awful.

Derek want's to have his brother move in with us, but I'm not comfortable sharing a room with this 12 year old boy I've met twice. I also don't want to support him, that's at least a six year commitment that I never signed up for. I don't even want kids. Derek has suggested we move into a bigger apartment, but our studio is about as cheap as it gets in this city.

We lucked out and have been here for five years and the landlord has never raised the rent. If we move it'll probably cost around $3k to move, and an extra $1k per month at least. Not to mention an extra mouth to feed, school clothes and supplies to buy, etc. It doesn't feel fair to me at all, and I feel like Derek is using the fact that he supported me for four years against me.

Yes he supported me, but it was a lot cheaper to pay for two people in a studio apartment rather than supporting 3 in a bigger and more expensive place. The deal was for him to support me, and for me to support him. Not him and his brother.

He just started school this semester, he has essentially four more years to go. That's four years of me having to support a household, and what if we break up? I'll have spent four years supporting a kid I don't want for nothing.

I suggested Derek drop out of school and get a job so he can contribute if he wants to support his brother, and said that I would pay for him to go back to school after his brother graduates high school. Derek doesn't want to put off college for another six years, which I don't necessarily blame him.

But his brother will be safe and fed at his aunts house. According to both of them that isn't good enough. I grew up in foster care and I didn't always have somewhere safe to stay, so I guess I'm biased. AITA for not wanting to support my fiances younger brother?

Notes:

People asked, so I did the math on what it cost him to support me vs. what it would cost me to support him and his brother. He was paying roughly $300 additional a month to provide for me, whereas in the future id be paying at least $1500 a month to provide for for him and his brother. Its just not even comparable.

Comments:

Agreeable-Celery811 says:

I think I’m leaning towards YTA as well. I know OP never signed up to parent a kid. I really get that. I was thinking maybe NAH. But sometimes life has other plans for you. The kid is 12 and it’s not like he killed his parents on purpose so he could move in with you. He’s an orphan, and his brother loves him.

It looks like your partner supported you all through school with the idea that you would do the same. Now it’s his turn… and unexpectedly, he now also comes with a teenage brother. I know you didn’t sign up to be a parent but there’s something about reneging on your part of the college deal that seems extra shitty. I don’t know what else to say.

AITAfianceskidbro OP replies:

The deal was that I would support him through college, and I'm still willing to do that. I am in no way reengaging on the deal, just stating that im not willing to support anyone else.

OneRespect11 says:

Committed relationships work as a team and they don’t generally keep score. For example: you did this, so now I have to do that or I spent this much so you have to spend this much etc. From your description of the situation it seems as if you are more concerned about doing more for you fiancé than he will ever do for you.

AITAfianceskidbro says:

To be honest, I grew up in foster care. Really awful foster care homes. I lost both of my parents at a younger age than he did. He's safe and fed at his aunts home, and he's with family. At least he doesn't have to worry about getting touched or getting beat.

So me putting myself in his shoes? Honestly I can only see him as ungrateful, at that age I would've done anything to just have somewhere safe to live, but that isn't good enough for him.

gcot802 says:

NTA. Your reasoning is fair. You didn’t want kids, didn’t sign up for kids, your life is not set up for kids. But that is his brother, and he feels responsible to care for his family. If you are going to marry this man, his burdens become yours and vice versa. Tbh this whole situation sucks, im not sure what I would do

Update:

Derek came home and we had a long two hour ish chat about what taking on this child would entail. He put his foot down, and said that since I didn't have to work while I went to school he shouldn't have to either. He thinks that since we're engaged my money is his money.

Ultimately, I don't want a child. I've been child-free for a reason, its because I care about my free time and money. I told him the only way I'd agree to take in his brother and move would be if he at least got a part time job the cover the roughly $1100 difference between what I'm spending to support both of us right now and the costs of a larger apartment and an extra person to be responsible for.

As well as him agreeing to take sole responsibility for parenting him. I don't want to take him back and forth to school everyday, be responsible for making sure he eats, etc.

Derek gave me an ultimatum, support him and his brother or we split. It was pretty clear he was bluffing, but I agreed. I'm currently packing my stuff to stay with a friend, but I should be able to find a place pretty soon. Derek has been begging me to stay, he has no job or way to pay for rent next month.

The fact that he gave me an ultimatum like that feels gross. He wasn't willing to work at all, and I honestly think he would've pushed all the responsibilities of raising his brother off on me. Never thought I'd be in this position but I'll be fine. At least I can finally adopt a cat after wanting one my whole life, Derek hates cats.