'My best friend's mistress doesn’t know he's broke, and my wife’s reaction bummed me out' UPDATED
"My best friend’s mistress doesn’t know that he's broke and my wife’s reaction bummed me out."
SorryNotSorryD
My (M41) best friend Jack (m41) since kindergarten cheated on his wife Ana (f39) with a girl half his age Max (f25). Ana is one of the best human beings I’ve ever met. She is very beautiful, kind and caring. She is very successful too. When Jack met her, he was so in love that he wrote an iron clad prenup just to be with her. In other words, Jack has nothing to his name.
He met Max on a work trip and it was then that he cheated on Ana. The affair lasted for two months until Max made an ultimatum; to leave his wife for her. Jack refused and tried to end the affair so Max told Ana everything.
This broke Ana beyond repair and she told Jack that she couldn’t forgive him. They’re in the process of divorcing now and Jack lives in a small studio apartment near his work. After Jack lost hope to reconciliation with Ana, he started seeing Max again. Now they’re officially dating.
My wife Pat (f32) knows all these details. She is a more forgiving and understanding person than I am and I love that about her. She is way more tolerant because I am team Ana and there’s nothing Jack can say to make me change my opinion.
Now everything is settled my wife said that she wanted to invite Jack and his new gf to our place. I was very reluctant at first but my wife insisted that my friendship with Jack is important.
We are basically brothers and we should accept people we love even with their flaws. It made sense and I trust my wife to always make sense. The dinner was awkward. I couldn’t see past these two cheaters.
Jack pretending to be happy and Max overexcited over the fact that she “won” this prize named Jack. I understood then that things won’t be the same. But my wife was right, I love Jack and that’s the most important thing now. Max talked about her upbringing and the hard life she had growing up.
She talked about her future with Jack and all the fun they would have. It dawned on me that she didn’t know that they couldn’t do half of what she is dreaming of with Jack’s salary. It dawned on me why she chose him and why she was so willing to hurt an innocent woman that way.
She had learned to know the jack who lived in fancy hotels and drove a fancy car. When I asked her about their living arrangements Max said that Jack temporarily is living in a studio apartment until the divorce is settled. Max talked about what she would do to “their” place, renovation and redecorating.
The apartment that Ana bought for her family with her hard earned money. The one she decorated with her husband from scratch to make it their home. I remember how happy and full of dreams she was when she found her dream home.
To hear Max sitting there, talking about how she would use money she never earned to redecorate a home she wasn’t entitled to. Making fun of another woman’s taste and style. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes men can get emotional too. Jack has not told Max the truth.
When they left Pat and I started discussing our dear friends. I was very surprised when Pat angrily told me that I was cruel and callous for not wanting to enlighten Max about her new situation. My wife thought that Max had a tough life and she deserved to have a good life now.
I was taken aback by my wife’s logic. I told my wife that I will not tell Max anything but that if she wanted to tell them, be my guest. But now I don’t understand my wife and I’m turned off by her morals.
Ana was a great friend to my wife but my wife doesn’t seem to give a rat’s bottom about her. My wife then got very angry and accused me of caring too much about Ana. That’s when I ended the discussion because I realized that this was going below the belt.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Purple_Syllabub_3417
Max will discover Jack is not wealthy. If she cares for him as a person she will accept it. If she is a gold digger he will be left in a ditch. I think turnabout is fair play. Invite Ana over for an evening.
Afraid_Sense5363
Oh, she's not gonna stick around. She's already counting the money she thinks she's gonna get and planning to redecorate the ex's house. It will be funny to see what happens when it dawns on her.
Trick_Chef_7209
Is your wife maybe afraid to lose you to Ana? She could have misinterpreted your sympathy with Ana as feelings for her.
Blade_982
Or he could genuinely be upset that his wife is so easily discarding a friend that has been wronged. Jack's an ahole. Max is an idiot and now his wife is behaving in a way that doesn't align with his morals. I feel so sorry for OP. Neither his best friend or his wife are who he thought they were.
CarmenCage
I want an update when all that happens.
Well, an update did indeed come five months later.
"Update: I have fallen in love with my best friend’s ex wife. My previous post here opened up my eyes. Thank you"
SorryNotSorryD
This is so convoluted but I will try my best to make it make sense. Be patient with me.
About my wife Pat:
Sometimes you think that you know the person you fell in love with married. But then something serious happens and your relationship stands in a trial, something divisive and you find yourself standing on the opposite sides.
You start wondering about the person you chose to create a life with and wonder why you love them when they’re so different from you. You realize that you probably love the version of them that you created in your head. We had a lot of discussions Pat and I about how I felt about her new friendship with Jack and Max and she ignored my disdain for what they done.
I understand that people fall in and out of love and they move on. But then other people in their surroundings also should have feelings or opinions about these decisions. Nobody is right or wrong.
Pat’s approach was very non judgmental which is obviously a very admirable thing but I found myself on the opposite side. While Pat insisted on inviting Jack and Max, forming new friendships with them.
The more I hung out with my former(?) best friend and his mistress the more I disliked them and realized they are not the kind of people I want in my life and by extension the more I disliked Pat. Our disagreements got more intense and more frequent.
I told Pat that this wasn’t working for me anymore and she accused me of choosing (a pathetic loser) over our marriage. Of course she is entitled to believe whatever she wants. That was not my reason according to me and the truth is probably something in between.
About Jack and Max:
Pat told Max that Jack is actually not the one with the money like he had been pretending, and while he is probably not going to be totally empty handed in this divorce settlement, it won’t be the amount that would allow all the dreams and plans she’s made especially when Ana is getting full custody.
This put a big wedge between Jack and Max and they have been off again on again since the revelation. Jack has expressed a lot of disgust and repulsion towards Max so I really don’t understand this relationship and why these two miserable people stay together nor do I want to understand. They disgust me and I am done with them.
About Ana:
When she heard about my separation from my wife she reached out to both of us. She said that since she’s gone through something similar, she wanted to offer support and love. She said that she knew what we were going through. We started talking on the phone and texting.
Now almost daily and I have met up with her on few occasions for dinners. I find myself thinking about her all the time and when I wake up in the morning, I go directly to my phone to see if she has sent me a good morning text and I know my day will be just fine when I find one.
Not sure if this is love or if I’m falling for her. Not sure if pursuing anything with her is wise. I have not told anyone about these feelings and I’m not sure I ever will. I just know that I love having her in my life. She is a great friend and maybe I shouldn’t ruin this beautiful friendship with this beautiful woman because of some desires.
ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP REGARDING HIS WIFE:
The thing is, jack changed a whole lot too, it wasn’t only the questionable morality of having an affair and I don’t know if he always been this way but never needed to show his true colors because he was married to a brilliant woman who made him a better man or that in fact his affair did change him.
He is moronic, bitter, angry all the time. So very disrespectful of everything and everyone. He called Ana, the mother of his children, a wh*re and even his new GF, he calls her a disgusting gold digger, home wrecker loser and ugly, sometimes to her face, in front of us, making me nauseated and very uncomfortable.
He hasn’t seen his children since Ana made it clear that they would never go back together, like their purpose is done. Never once did he say he misses his children, hell, even I missed them greatly.
Pat has seen all these changes and it doesn’t bother her, not even a little. What she told me was that he will have more children with his new gf. I remember the fight we had after this conversation. I never really recovered from it. It is true what they say that people show their true colors when times are bad.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
ayymahi
From the way you spoke about Ana in your last post, kind of seen this coming.
busan_blues
Always amazes me how the husband paints his wife as unreasonable, callous, and jealous - then it turns out the wife had very solid reasons for not encouraging this friendship and she probably caught on what was actually going on behind the “woe is me” act. I am yet to meet a woman labeled as crazy or insecure by their partner who actually is any of those things.
It’s also very telling that your friend’s ex has jumped on your arms immediately after your separation and now is openly flirting with all the texting (good morning texts, seriously?) and constantly hanging out. Your soon to be ex dodged a bullet, good for her. You and Ana truly deserve each other.
JiminyBell
4 lines into this and I was like "this dude is in love with his friends ex." I'm getting serious unreliable narrator vibes here. I'm curious about how much the wife pushing for him and his friend to become friends again had to do with not wanting to hear any more about "amazing Ana."
riobhcas
You see the irony, right? You can’t be that oblivious.
Sera0Sparrow
Unpopular Opinion Alert: I kind of feel that he started having feelings for his ex best friend's wife first and then he did not feel like putting effort into saving his marriage. He gave up on his marriage quite easily and that's a bummer for me.
Moreover, I think Pat saw his feelings change for Ana right in front of her eyes and somehow started resenting her and distancing herself from Ana's situation. I have seen a few marriages break because of a similar situation like this.