Wife leans towards divorce as husband refuses to address his snoring; 'he is slowly killing our marriage.' UPDATED 2X
"My husband (28M) and I's (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?"
marblelotus
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, been living together for 5. He has always snored and has gotten worse. He would wake me up 5-10 times a night. In 2020, he did a sleep study and was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and prescribed a CPAP. He wore the CPAP for less than a week because it was uncomfortable.
Throughout the years, I have spent hundreds of dollars on over the counter sleep meds and ear plugs to try and sleep. I've tried calmly to speak to my husband over the years about this, but it has been met with:
"You're just a light sleeper." "I'm not talking about this/why are we talking about this?" "Married people should sleep in the same bed."
I haven't always handled this the best. I've gotten very frustrated and yelled at him in the middle of the night. I'm working on putting my thoughts out calmly.
Summer of 2022, I was pregnant and my therapist recommended strongly I sleep elsewhere. I was nervous but I moved to our guest room across the hall. A few months ago, I moved to the basement because his snoring was still waking me up. This has provided better sleep but a horrible effect to my mental health.
I have frequently encouraged him to go back to the doctor about his sleep apnea - possibly try another CPAP or explore other options. I'm also concerned on the affects of untreated sleep apnea on his physical and mental health. I tell him I want to sleep in the same bed as much as he does. I know many couples find success in separate bedrooms but he has made it clear that he is not interested in that.
Recently he mentioned "I bet even if I fixed my snoring, you wouldn't sleep in the same bed as me." I was stunned. Me toughing it out for over 3 years shows the opposite, in my opinion. He finally offered to switch and let me sleep in our bed, and 3 days later he's complaining on how he can't do it.
He keeps stringing me along about going to the doctor. I don't think he actually plans to go. His complete disregard for my sleep over the years is incredibly hurtful. He refusal to fix an easily fixable problem is mind boggling.
My question - should I give him an ultimatum to fix his sleep apnea or I'm out? I am considering divorce. Are ultimatums ever healthy? I need advice on how to deal with this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
UsuallyWrite2
Sleep apnea isn’t just inconvenient and noisy, it can cause serious health issues. His brain is literally being starved of oxygen. It can make him more prone to heart disease and stroke as well. Does he not get that? Your sleep is important too! Sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture.
I get that learning to use a CPAP can take time and sometimes you have to try a few different masks before you find one that’s a good fit. But trying for a week isn’t much of a try IMHO. I am not a fan of ultimatums but he needs to know you’re serious.
LazyCity4922
Not only is he hurting himself, he could also kill someone while driving. Where I live, if you have severe sleep apnea and refuse to treat it, your driver's license can be taken away.
trillium61
Lack of restorative sleep can lead to hypertension and/or diabetes. He needs to do something about it. He might be a candidate for the Inspire Implant. Do what’s best for you. You deserve better than a partner who refuses to take care of himself and that is affecting your health.
Jess1ca1467
He is being very selfish and in some parts of the world he would not be allowed to drive with severe unmanaged sleep apnoea. Your own health with seriously suffer He has a very serious medical condition which could dramatically shorten his life.
Seven months later, the OP returned with an update.
marblelotus
Last night, after reading all of your messages I sat down and I gave him an ultimatum - either he wears his CPAP/pursues another solution or I want a divorce. We have a daughter and she deserves her dad. He really didn't say anything other than OK. A few hours later I asked him what the plan was and he said the same as it has been, wear his CPAP.
Today, the machine said he wore it for two hours last night. He had said he wore it all night. Ok the machine might be wrong or may have reset during the night - I asked if we could see on the CPAP app on his phone? He said no.
That started a fight that ended in me realizing he's not going to change. He probably did only wear it for 2 hours last night and is lying. He is not upholding his part which included communicating his progress on the very first day.
I said I was done. I want a divorce. I asked him to leave. He said no. I ended up packing up my daughter and we went to a hotel. I'm not leaving her. I feel guilty about this, but I was worried it was going to escalate and I needed to get away from him.
Moving forward, I'm going to try to find a short term rental until I can buy a house of my own. I don't want to stay with him any longer and he's made it clear he's not leaving. Then we can sell our current house. I'm going to meet with a divorce lawyer this week.
The good thing is, I work from home and I make more than enough to support myself and my daughter. I also just completed my MBA and will hopefully be using that soon.
Thank you for all your perspectives, time and words of support as well as giving it to me straight. My only girl this life is to be a good mom and I'm just trying to set a good example for my daughter.
Everyone saying that he needs a CPAP, I agree. This is what I've told him for five years. Everyone that's saying he should try this… I guarantee you I've presented that as a solution for him.
The inspire implant, BIPAP, mouth guards, surgery etc. He insists that he will only try the CPAP. I've suggested different masks and he's reluctant but he's tried two different ones.
I do appreciate all your support and suggestions, though. ❤️ I guess I made this post just venting. I don't really know why I made it.😂 I sat down with him and I gave an ultimatum. I told him that he needs to treat his sleep apnea or i will divorce him. He didn't say much. We will see what he does with it. End edit.
Update is.... there is no update. I am considering filing for divorce by the end of the year if this doesn't get resolved. For the past five years, my husband's sleep apnea has been a significant challenge in our marriage.
Initially, I slept next to him, but his snoring made it difficult for me to get restful sleep. Despite trying different solutions like earplugs, my sleep continued to suffer. When I became pregnant, I reached a point where I couldn't handle the lack of sleep anymore.
On my therapist's recommendation, I decided to move to the spare room across the hall, and we've been sleeping separately for the last two years. A year ago, his snoring became so loud that it started waking me up from across the hall, forcing me to move to the basement to get some rest. Unfortunately, sleeping in the basement took a toll on my mental health.
After several conversations with him about my concerns, I expressed that I didn't want to sleep in the basement anymore and asked him to see a doctor for his sleep apnea. Instead, he started sleeping in the basement himself, which felt like a temporary fix rather than a long-term solution.
The issue persists, especially when we travel, as our daughter and I end up sharing a room with him, and his snoring makes it difficult for us to sleep. I'm increasingly concerned about how this might affect our daughter's sleep as well.
I recently sat down with him to express my concerns about his health and the impact this situation is having on our marriage. I shared that I was worried about the potential long-term consequences, both for him and for our relationship because I have read studies that state that people die in their early 30's with untreated severe sleep apnea.
In response, he made a comment that deeply upset me. He laughed and said "At least I have 10 more years." Though I’ve tried to stay calm throughout this, I couldn't hold back my frustration in that moment.
After I lost it, he did go to the doctor and got a new CPAP machine, but wearing it consistently has been a challenge for him. There have been various excuses about its discomfort, and despite his insistence that the CPAP is the only option, he hasn't been able to wear it through the night.
We tried sleeping in the same bed again, but I found myself waking up multiple times to remind him to put the CPAP back on. After two weeks of disrupted sleep, I realized that he was taking the CPAP off as soon as I fell asleep, and I had to return to the basement.
Lately, I've noticed through reports on the CPAP machine that he hasn't been wearing the CPAP at all, which has left me feeling incredibly frustrated and helpless. I feel like its creating a huge wedge in our relationship and making me feel unattracted to him.
This has been an ongoing issue for five years, and I’m struggling to see how I can continue living like this for another five. I'm trying to stay calm and find the right words to express my feelings, but if we can't resolve this, I may need to consider other options for my own well-being.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
UsuallyWrite2
If he finds the mask uncomfortable, there are other mask options. It’s odd to me that he doesn’t see how this isn’t just about your discomfort but his own health. Sleep apnea isn’t “just” snoring. It’s literally starving his brain of oxygen.
trumpeter84
Yep. And it also takes time to get used to both the feeling of the mask and also getting used to breathing differently with the device. My masks fits me properly and is right now me, but it still took me 2-3 weeks of training myself to keep it on all night long.
I would initially have trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep, or even pushing my mask off while asleep. Eventually I got used to it and now I get excellent sleep, but it took time and practice.
RubyJuneRocket
He is actively and repeatedly choosing not to address the issues, going so far as to lie to you. He sounds like he doesn’t think you will actually leave so he isn’t going to actually bother changing.
The fact that he would joke about only being around for 10 more years… don’t you want to be with someone who looks forward to the future with you? This guy isn’t even imagining one, he’s certainly not working towards it.
Four days later, the OP returned with another update.
marblelotus
I put down a retainer for an attorney, filled out the paper and I will be officially filing for divorce next week. I finally came to the realization, thanks to almost 900 comments on that post, some wise advice from family and friends, and a lot of introspection, that he will never change.
He has a severe lack of empathy for others. I have proof (through many texts) that I have told him his snoring has been impacting my sleep for years and he simply does not care.
This is on top of him in the past secretly opening up a credit card (spending thousand dollars on playing cards) and catching him talking to other women behind my back. I know it takes two for marriage to fail. So I am definitely reflecting on my own mistakes and contributions.
My goal going forward is giving my daughter the most calm, stable, loving environment, which I've realized is impossible while in this marriage. If you have any advice on divorce, please give it to me straight. I've been reading up on divorce and consulting with my divorce attorney.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
floridaeng
OP I have only read this post, but I totally disagree with the part of your comment about needed 2 people to fail. The only part that you probably failed at was staying so long before you realized how selfish he is and starting the divorce.
Edit to add - In my opinion it takes 2 to have a successful marriage, but it only takes 1 to make a marriage fail, even though there are a few where both contributed to the failure.
whatsmypassword73
Enough with the idea that it takes two to fail, you couldn’t be more mistaken. All it takes is for one of the partners to not give a f@ck and you’re sunk.
He’s earned the divorce, he takes from your life, why stay?
marblelotus (OP)
Exactly. I just don't want to present myself as this perfect wife or person. But I've really tried despite everything.
SmartQuokka
I wish OP did not have a child with him.
carollois
Wait…he was gambling and CHEATING but that wasn’t enough reason to leave his ass? Women need higher standards. Seriously.
HomelyHobbit
Advice for parenting plan - lay EVERYTHING out in writing. Not just days and hours, holiday division, etc. Also who will drop the child off, who will pick the child up, right of first refusal for both of you so he doesn't pick her up and just drop her off with his mom or a babysitter, when the other parent will be called in the case of medical issues, how things like medication will be communicated.